Ankh-Morpork Times (Editor's Desk)

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Postby chris.ph » Wed Jul 01, 2009 5:31 pm

poor people arent assasinated they are murdered
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Postby Tonyblack » Tue Feb 23, 2010 11:35 pm

Dear Editor,

I thought I'd share this iconograph that I recently took of some carrots that I grew in my allotment garden.

Image

I really must stop making fertiliser with kitchen waste from the Steamstress's Guild.

Your faithfully,

Betty Swollocks (Ms.)
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Postby meerkat » Sat May 29, 2010 10:54 pm

Sir/Madam/Ms.

I wish to complain about the amount of posters being pasted onto the wall of my hovel. This matter has now led to 49 prosecutions and a rather nasty visit to the Patrician from which I emerged very pale and in need of a lavatory at close hand!
Due to the horse glue used, of which I have proof in it having been made at the abbatoir, the removal of said posters is all but impossible. The only positive side of this has resulted in my back wall becoming twice as strong and the glue paper is currently assisting in the securing of the main cross beam. However, I have had enough!
I have complained bitterly to all concerned whose names and addresses and printers addresses appear on the posters to no avail.
My 49th trip to the Watch at Pseudopolis Yard has been a complete leamon (fruitless)! My last response to my complaint was "Der, you gotta wall aint you?"by a troll officer whom I understood to hold the capacity of Sergeant.
This notice is for all perpetrators of the pasting brigade.
Mr Boggis, of the Thieves Guild and Lord Downey, of the Assassins guild, are now overseeing a watch on my property. Anyone found pasting will be pasted upside down, dead, on the wall by Mr Boggis' team. Lord Downey states that if caught by his Assasins, the the paster will be stapled AND glued to the wall. Dead, upside down or not. I hope this over reaction will bring an end to this rediculous event.

Yours
Bill Posters
Whey Way
Ankh-Morpork
Just a meerkat from The Effing Forest
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Postby Tonyblack » Sun May 30, 2010 12:30 am

:lol: I'd forgotten about this thread. :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Postby meerkat » Sun May 30, 2010 8:28 am

Found it by accident, pressed the wrong bit! :lol:
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Postby Quark » Mon May 31, 2010 11:17 am

Thread revival! Bring out the electrodes! :twisted:
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Postby sheilaj » Fri Jun 04, 2010 8:37 am

Apologies and Retractions

"Hermione", aka Mr Aubrey ("Peplums at Dawn") Boggis, fashion and society correspondante for this august institution, is really really sorry for the comments he made about Lady Downey's appearance at the annual Ankh Morpork Guilds Dinner and Dance.
After a vivid and meaningful discussion with Lady Downey's PA (Personal Assistant, NOT NOT in any way Personal Assassin), He now understands that fuchsia pink with sequins and lime green fur accessories is the latest fashion from Quirm and unreservedly retracts any opinions expressed to the contrary. He is also happy to confirm that the trend for larger fashion models is ummm growing as it were.

(Hemione thanks his readership for their kind enquiries and expects to be out of hospital and back seated, well standing at least, at his desk once the parasol with matching evening bag has been removed....look out for an exciting new article on fashion forward crutches - Ed.)
Last edited by sheilaj on Fri Jun 04, 2010 1:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby meerkat » Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:09 am

Sirs/Madam, Dwarf etc,

It appears that, currently in Ephebe, there is a rather odd murder siutuation where the leading Cop was hauled off to the local pokey from where he is heard crying the huis belated facts to those with any interest.

I would like to state that this matter has nothing to do with the Assassins Guild, not are the murders involved anything to do with us.

However, we would like to bring it to Mr Didactylos's atention that, for the right price, we - The Assassins Guild, will sort out the killers and free him from his unfortunate incarceration.

Lord Downey
Assassins Guild
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Postby MongoGutman » Sat Jan 22, 2011 3:43 am

Classifieds

Dragonfire deflector amulet. $3 - 100% effective or money back!
Apply Dibbler Enterprises P.O. Box 536
Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change? ~~ Oddball
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Postby Tonyblack » Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:50 am

:lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Postby MongoGutman » Sun Jan 23, 2011 2:20 am

Seamstresses Guild Charity Auction Raises Impressive Amount

This years auction once again proved the most popular social event in the Ankh Morpork calendar, raising $2,427 for the AM Orphans and Foundlings Institute, though questions were raised by the block sale of tickets to the Ecumenical Council. Guild spokesgirl, Olly Labiana, (23 (36,22,34)) said "They've got the cash, we've got the..." cont. on page 23
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Postby deldaisy » Sun Jan 23, 2011 4:31 pm

:D :D :D :D :D
Brilliant!

How the heck did THIS thread disappear? Never seen it before.
The Collective Brain: The synoptic serendipity that comes when interesting thoughts from interesting and interested people get together. And the whole is always more than the sum of its parts.
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Postby deldaisy » Sun Jan 23, 2011 5:19 pm

chris.ph wrote:i swear its only me and tony reading these otherwise youd have more praise :)

Are you kidding???? Only just seen this thread... having a bloody wonderful time reading these. Oh this is absolutely brilliant!

I read tha last page first .... so I have come back to glance at the first ones to see what was in here and I have been glued ever since :D :D :D

ok let me read the rest here.....these are great. All of them :D
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Re: Ankh-Morpork Times (Editor's Desk)

Postby MongoGutman » Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:09 pm

A STITCH IN THE LAW

The controversial courtcase of the Guild of Seamstresses against the Temple of Nuggan continues to rumble on, with the Seamstresses now threatening to foreclose on the Temple buildings in lieu of the accumulated debt in question. The Nuggan clergy claim that the debt was due to the wear and tear on their ceremonial robes, which, they explain require a lot of stitching. Mr Slant (237), counsel for the High Priest, said “My client is fully prepared to meet the charges in court just as soon as a judge can be found who does not also have an acknowledged debt with the Seamstresses, as this would seem to be a prerequisite for a fair case.” The Guild of Judges, who have thus far failed to supply a suitable candidate to sit the case explained that judges robes also require much maintainence. The search continues.
Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change? ~~ Oddball
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Re: Ankh-Morpork Times (Editor's Desk)

Postby MongoGutman » Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:25 pm

(Classifieds -Lonely Hearts )

Igor wltm thientitht. mutht have GThOH and own laboratory
Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change? ~~ Oddball
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