I Wanna Be The Ultimate Dark Lord!

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I Wanna Be The Ultimate Dark Lord!

Postby Penfold » Sat Sep 18, 2010 5:33 pm

Unlike Evil Harry (The Last Hero), I believe that the role of Dark Lord has to move with the times. Therefore, using a Darwinian process of survival and learning from my predecessor's failures, I have devised the following rules for any successful modern day Dark Lord to follow;
    1. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

    2. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

    3. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

    4. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

    5. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

    6. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"

    7. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

    8. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

    9. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

    10. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

    11. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

    12. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

    13. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

    14. If an advisor says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?"
    I will reply, "This." and kill the advisor.

    15. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

    16. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

    17. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

    18. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

    19. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least decapitated before burial; not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

    20. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    21. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

    22. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

    23. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

    24. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

    25. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

    26. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    27. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

    29. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

    30. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

    31. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

    32. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

A bit like the 'How To Get Thrown Out Of Asda Thread', does anyone know of any other rules to add? (some James Bond villain's eventual demise spring to mind)

*BTW, just in case anyone thinks I made these up myself: I didn't - I just feegled them from another website* :twisted:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.


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Postby Tonyblack » Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:15 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

33. Always steal your ideas for World domination by Feegling them from other websites.
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Postby Bickaxe » Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:59 pm

AS a writing exercise, I wrote a 'How to be Evil in the Modern World' guide a few years ago.

I'll post it and you can harvest at your leisure (probably covered most points)

How to be Evil in the Modern World wrote:First of all, you will undoubtedly need financial backing. This is often overlooked but is a key step to being a criminal mastermind intent on taking over the world as doing this from your bedroom is, well frankly, it’s a bit rubbish isn’t it? I would suggest approaching large companies that specialize in world domination (Coca-Cola, Microsoft, The US Government) but have never quite managed it. With a bit of luck, you’ll get to borrow their equipment too.
Secondly, find premises. Building your evil lair under a volcanic island is an old favourite, as is the underwater lair which rises above the sea. I would suggest avoiding moon bases and space stations as records indicate that these are not as successful as you might think. They are also a long way from the supermarket.
Thirdly, staff. Henchmen are a basic requirement when it comes to keeping your complex of evil clean and running efficiently. Laser beam lenses sometimes need to be replaced, the sharks need to be fed and then there are all those spies to be dealt with. They will need to be very powerfully built but if they demonstrate the ability to count to three without help, then their application should be rejected.
Fourth. Wardrobe. All your henchmen will need to look their best, matching uniforms at all times and you will need a very good suit for all those interrupted television broadcasts. A make-up department is an optional extra if you posses an unsightly scar upon your facial features.
Fifth. Words. You must practice your demands. The bad guys ALWAYS get the best lines, so if you stutter or forget what you are supposed to say, you’ll just be laughed at. Practice your retort too. Spies have a really annoying habit of trying to be funny, so a simple put-down is all that’s needed. Don’t try to be clever, it’ll only come back on you.
Sixth. Getaway plans. This is a must. There will always be one spy that ruins your plans and captures you. You are elite. Prisons are not designed for you so don’t get yourself put in one. The getaway vehicle will depend on where you have your lair. A submarine is perfect if you are in the sea, a car is not. Rockets are a bit pointless as you have to come down eventually and spy people can track you.

Now you have a basic guide, work slowly through them. Constructing your lair will take some time, so don’t make demands on the world before this is done because a) it won’t work and b) there is nothing worse than pursuing a spy over scaffolding and rubble.
Some form of healthcare plan is advisable as all the henchmen unions are demanding this now. A pension plan is optional but try to avoid death benefits if you can as this will save money in the long term.

Commit this guide to memory but do not destroy it. A space has been left empty at the back for you to make notes so you can pass it on to your heir.
If you have any suggestions, feel free to contact us at:
Customer Service Dept.
Fiendish Guides Inc.
The Mountain of Doom
PO BOX 616
Somewhere in Indonesia
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Postby The Mad Collector » Sat Sep 18, 2010 7:05 pm

34 - Never rely on slowly tracking laser beams when a simple bullet or knife will make certain without all that tedious hanging around
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Postby Sjoerd3000 » Sat Sep 18, 2010 7:24 pm

35. If the hero is at your mercy don't explain what your plan for world domination is first, just shoot him/her
A poster outside one shop urged people to Dig For Victory, as if it were some kind of turnip.
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Postby The Mad Collector » Sat Sep 18, 2010 7:49 pm

36 - Insist on at least some basic system security for any computer system installed. A password of "Password" is NOT secure, full 128 bit encryption should be regarded as a minimum. It should not be possible to shutdown my main comuter system in 10 seconds of finding any random keyboard.
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Postby Doughnut Jimmy » Sat Sep 18, 2010 7:57 pm

37: Standalone systems to contain secure data are good but guards should be able to see into the room containing them for when the spies penetrate the room through the air vents and overpower the lieutenant accessing the system, see also 26 above.

38: If I get myself preserved in stasis I will ensure a full briefing on the modern world paying particular attention to inflation and advances in weapons technology before developing my new plan for world domination.
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Postby Tonyblack » Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:31 pm

Bickaxe. :lol:

I always enjoyed that episode of The Simpsons where Homer got a job working for the Evil Mastermind. :lol:
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Postby Tonyblack » Sat Sep 18, 2010 8:35 pm

39. If I capture a crack commando unit (who escaped from a military stockade to become soldiers of fortune) I will not lock them in a building with enough equipment for them to construct a tank, complete with nail gus and flame throwers.
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Postby Sjoerd3000 » Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:15 pm

Tonyblack wrote:39. If I capture a crack commando unit (who escaped from a military stockade to become soldiers of fortune) I will not lock them in a building with enough equipment for them to construct a tank, complete with nail gus and flame throwers.


:lol: :lol: That happened in nearly every episode :lol:
A poster outside one shop urged people to Dig For Victory, as if it were some kind of turnip.
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Postby Finomans » Sat Sep 18, 2010 10:53 pm

40. Explosives in the base may not be all be in such a way that it could create an chain-reaction ending in the complete destruction of my base and needs to be in an fireproof vault with a five feet concrete wall and a sprinkler system.

41. Guards need to go around in groups of four or three and need proper training in at least one form of martial arts.
goat who is this goat
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Postby Bickaxe » Sun Sep 19, 2010 12:56 am

42. Self destruct warning should not last for 10 minutes. By all means start a 10minute countdown but have everything blow up after 30 seconds

This was your answer to everything
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Postby Tonyblack » Sun Sep 19, 2010 5:13 am

43. If making a bomb, use wires of all the same colour. That'll really confuse them when they try to disarm it.
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Postby Bickaxe » Sun Sep 19, 2010 7:02 am

44. Using Facebook to inform your friends of your forth-coming world domination plans is a bad idea. Post a bad taste joke instead
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Postby Doughnut Jimmy » Sun Sep 19, 2010 9:28 am

Bickaxe wrote:42. Self destruct warning should not last for 10 minutes. By all means start a 10minute countdown but have everything blow up after 30 seconds

This was your answer to everything


That's very evil :twisted:
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