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Postby meerkat » Tue May 18, 2010 3:40 pm

Rincewind’s brother

Rincewind had known it was going to be a bad day as it had started out so well. The Professor of cruel and unusual Geography had just finished a wonderful breakfast of potatoes with masses of fresh slightly salted melting butter. The tea had been splendid and just the right temperature for swallowing without losing the lining of the throat. The toast had been crunchy and warm and even better with a jacket potato on top. He was suddenly aware that things were starting to go wrong when Modo the Dwarf came in with the letters and there was one for him. It caused no small ripple of amazement through the Hall. Arch chancellor Ridcully choked on his wow-wow sauce covered sausage and the Bursar giggled that Rincewind had a girlfriend.
“Mr. Rincewind”, the envelope said. Dash it, “Wizard!” The man couldn’t even spell!
It read:
Dear Mr. Rincewind,
I am, I believe, your younger brother. I know this must come as a surprise so let me explain.
My mother left me on the door mat of the Guild of Historians. Apparently she had the decency NOT to run away BEFORE I was born! I am sorry, that was a bad pune.
I would very much like to meet my clever and talented elder Brother of whom I hear so much and believe so little!
Why do we not meet up at Mother Borgia’s Pantry and we can talk about our lives!

We’ll never have enough time!” thought Rincewind

RSVP as the Historians expect that sort of thing!

Please reply by return as I have a student waiting outside.
I remain,
Stuart Rincewind.

“You will go!” boomed the Arch chancellor, after ripping the letter from Rincewind’s grip and reading it at speed. Ponder Stibbons looked as if he wished the Arch-chancellor would pay that much attention to all his paperwork.
“Do I HAVE to?”Complained Rincewind.
“YES!” boomed the Arch chancellor which, resulted in the Bursar dropping his wooden spoon, reaching for the dried frog pills and failing. The Doctor of Nice and Cuddly Magic helped him and soon order was restored.

Rincewind entered Mother Borgia’s Pantry and realized that either this was a busy shop or the word had got out. The word had got out! There were more Wizards present than usual for a lunch at the University! He pretended he didn’t see them and sat at the free table that held the sign “Rincewind Terminus”. If the rumours about Mother Borgia were right then the message was not a threat!
The door bell screeched and Rincewind looked over to see a man enter the shop.
“He looks like me! He thought.
The Ankh-Morpork ritual, of checking for poisonous thorns between the fingers was undertaken and hands were shaken. “You look just like me!” stated Rincewind by way of an ice breaker.
“Yes, you look like me!”
“That makes us related then!”
“Possibly!” Rincewind always erred on the side of caution.
“It’s nice to know we are related. I thought I was all alone in the world!”
“Get to know me and you will wish you were! Er, nothing! Just deciding what to eat!”
“This is my local. I suggest we have two coffees and a banana sandwich. They are the safest bets!”
“So-” Rincewind paused. “Your name is?”
“Rincewind! Oh, hahaha!”
He laughs like a maniac, thought Rincewind uneasily, I like him!
“Sorry, Stewart ‘klatch’ Rincewind”
“I have spent some time exploring Klatch and the major parts of the desert.”
“Wasn’t that rather dangerous?”
“Well, I did have fifteen guides, ninety five camels, three donkeys and a hunting dog.”
“Easy then?”
“So, what about you?”
They ignored the spluttering from those around them.
“I am the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography. I’m listing some unusual rocks at the moment. The librarian closes the library sometimes so that he can help me. Logging four rocks at a time is quite good going!”
“He is an ape, an Orangutan actually,”
“Aha!” Stewart pulled a wry face. Oh well, they said the Unseen University was full of weirdoes and It looks like they were right. “Well I don’t get out much, so I suppose I shouldn’t be amazed!”
“Oh be amazed please. But don’t ever call him-.” He looked around him “Don’t ever call him a monkey!”
“Riiight! Listen, the other reason I wanted us to meet is that we have a claim to the lineage of the Royal house of Sto-Lat. You could claim the crown after a short battle that I will - . Rincewind, you’ve gone white! Are you ill? Listen, once we win the battle we could live a life of luxury -. Rincewind?” He was looking at an empty chair.

Had Rincewind been able to make a cloud of dust appear round his scurrying feet as he ran, then he would have done so. He locked himself in his room at the University, penned a short and rather pointed note that he should take no interest in the Sto-Lat Monarchy and that Stewart could do as he wished. As a WiZZard (two z’s note), he should not really liaise with non Wizards!
Rincewind then hid under his bed for the next fortnight until he was certain Stewart had lost interest in him. He was kept fed by the Librarian who shoved slices of cheese under the door.


It was only the Librarian luring Rincewind out with a very large baked jacket-potato smothered in melting chili-cheese, made by Glenda in the Kitchens that finally had Rincewind back to a normal life. Well, normal for him. Cataloguing the rocks and bones in his care and generally not getting in the way of most Wizards: mostly not getting in the way of Arch-chancellor Ridcully! Life returned to a comfortable normality in the University.
“How about a cooling drink? Some mineral water Sam, it’s from an Überwaldian spring?”
“No thanks Mustrum, I’m on business!”
“Really? Here? Surely not? At MY University?” No one threatened his University.
Vimes spoke only to stop Ridcully asking short questions. “This request,” he handed over the piece of official and headed note-paper, “I thought it was a joke but it appears from my watch in Treacle Mine Road that Rincewind was seen lurching all over the street as if he was drunk. He then disappeared down a nearby alley. This morning the Patrician received that note from the Duchess of Sto Lat and that’s why I am here! Some-one, with that description, complete with a few bloodthirsty half crazed non-descript idiots, attempted to storm the castle and take power.
The Patrician and I knew immediately, from the description, just who it was that the Duchess found standing by her bed demanding she handed the title over. And, he even used the name ‘Rincewind’!”
“OUR Rincewind?!” for a few moments a truly amazed Ridcully thought of handing over the annoying Rincewind and end the University’s long-term problem in one fell swoop: but then Rincewind had saved the world, the Necrocommunicon, and the University more than once so he deserved at least one fair trial before he got to the Patrician and the Scorpion pit! “We’ll have to ask him, you know that don’t you?”
“Yes. Let’s keep this as open as possible!”
“Sam, as much as someone who spells Wizard with a double Z is irritating, I doubt he has been outside the walls of the University for weeks now. He’s been stuck in his rooms busy with his rocks and things for a month at least. And he’s always present for meals: all nine a day.”
Vimes felt faintly sick. How could people eat nine meals a day? People were starving in Howonderland or at least some were going hungry on the Disc and these Wizards were putting food away and probably wasting enough to feed thousands! “Go get him then Mustrum?” he prompted.
Rincewind had just finished logging his 19th thousand rock-let and still had an unknown number of rocks to go. He looked up as Ridcully entered without knocking.
“My office, NOW!” And Ridcully left the room. He was waiting when Rincewind cautiously left the room. “Ah, there you are!” He put his arm around the now alarmed Rincewind.
“Now come along with me, my lad, and we’ll have a little talk with Sir Samuel Vimes of the Watch!” Rincewind tried to run. His integral nervous system was already pre-set. It only needed the freedom to move. But Ridcully had him in a tight grip.
Sir Samuel looked in a reasonably good bad mood. Rincewind backed into the pool table.
“Rincewind, I take it. A few questions and we can go! Tell me, where and what have you been doing since your brother was here?”
“How did you know about your – my brother?” stammered Rincewind.
“The Patrician told me and you know he never misses anything!”
“I stayed here! I’ve got rocks to log you know!”
“And who can corroborate that?”
Rincewind looked confused at the word then understood after Ridcully opened a dictionary and pointed to the word. “The Librarian!”
“ALL the time?”
“Sort of!”
“Sort of? What did you do when he wasn’t there?”
“I logged rocks! It’s nice and soothing.”
“I can get one of my Sergeants to check that fact!”
“Please do!”
Vimes nodded, he didn’t need Angua sniff the room over, Rincewind was a coward for the true definition of coward! And he wasn’t brave enough to be stupid. “Have you seen your brother lately?”
“I’ll speak to the Librarian if that’s ok, Mustrum? Thank you, Mr. Rincewind. Two things! Stay in the University until I say otherwise and if your brother tries to contact you, you contact me straight away!”
“No problem!”
No damn it! It wasn’t. So where was Rincewind no. 2? “The Librarian, Mustrum?” He hinted
The Library was deserted except for a mound of blankets heaped under the desk and a distant reverberating “ook” echoed amongst the long rows of books.
Vimes had never been in the library before. He felt uneasy around magic and here the books crackled and sparkled as if they lived. He’d be happy to get out. A shadow passed overhead and then the Librarian swung himself elegantly into his seat! He saluted Vimes in a rather sloppy ape way but smart for the ape brain. Vimes was almost tempted to salute back but stopped himself.
“I need you to tell me where Rincewind has been for the last month?”
“Ook, ook!”
“In his room!” translated Ridcully after a little thought.
“And were you with him all the time?”
“Ook, Eek, ook!” his leathery fist hit the table with some power. The wood, ancient already, creaked in pain. “Ook, ook, ook, ook, ook. OOK!”
“Ok, I get the point!”
“Ook!” the leathery hand slapped a smart ape-salute; the Librarian swung himself up into the top row of books from where he let loose a long-blown raspberry!
“I need to find Rincewind 2, Mustrum!” he stated as they left the Library.
“You mean the Patrician insisted you find him?”
“Politics. The Patrician wants to keep us on good terms with Sto Lat and this Rincewind 2 has threatened the peace. The Duchess has threatened all sorts, not that she can do much mind you! Sto Lat owes much of their wealth to Ankh-Morpork.”
“What will you do now?”
“Put my best officers on tracking him down. I think he’s not far away. He’s safe here. He can hide here with ease. I’d like you to put your best Bledlows on it. The minute he shows up we’ll have him. I’d like to leave one of my men here - .”
“Some of them are old enough to go to better things without a shock of meeting a werewolf or Vampire!”
“Ok, ok, how about a couple of Gargoyles?”


To be continued…
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Postby meerkat » Tue May 18, 2010 10:01 pm


A bedraggled figure lurched and limped in turns toward the Unseen University back entrance. The lightening momentarily lit up a sad figure dressed in torn cloak and what once were, recently, decent britches, half a shoe sat on his left foot and none on his right, whilst his hair stood out in clumps that looked like they were horse-glued into random tufts. He looked like the lowest beggar of the low yet, he belonged to no guild and that, in Ankh Morpork at least, was a dangerous thing!
He stopped to consider his next move. Those rocks in Lancre had been a night-mere; literally! He should never have listened to Throttling Steve and headed towards Lancre. They should have run for Ankh Morpork, as he had planned, before the city had news that there had been trouble. All thanks to ‘Little, but not as little as you’d miss him’, Freddo. Had that idiot not sneezed and woken the old girl up, they would have had time to chloroform her. But they all out-voted him. Damn it!
Stewart had considered hard, thinking he had made careful, well executed, plans for any and every possibility - except for the ones perhaps that included his badly Wizard-ing brother and that mob of no good twits! Had his half brother gone in with him all would have been well and they could have swopped places with ease and the take-over of Sto Lat could begin and once they had Sto Lat, the whole disc. The History books had spoken, been oh so right, so helpful, so intriguing that he just HAD to oblige them and make another try to conquer the Sto Plains. A whole life: reading of, and learning of, history. And now, all for what end? Had he not bothered, he and his half brother could have just continued as they were. What was he saying? His half brother was still living a guilt free life. Bugger! That’s what came from having ambition.
But then, his brother, his very own brother, could look after him until this blew over – if it ever did. The word was that no one quite knew how many people existed in the University. Very helpful bit of news that!
The kitchens smell of cooking made his mouth water. Stewart entered the doorway and breathed in the pastry aroma. It was gloomy in this underground passage system and, with some luck that he was certain he so deserved, he could pass himself as his brother for long enough to find out where his room was. By the time Stewart had illicitly swiped a still warm strawberry pie from the dark end of the table, found a lowly serf of a lad out looking for scrap wood to burn and who was only happy to help when offered part of the pastry, he was pretty much on his way to find Rincewind, his brother, his blood - even if it was only half!
Rincewind knew it was not good when he heard the knock and THEN someone entered the study. HIS study! And there stood his double.
His mind, always one for keeping up with his feet, suggested that the wall should be broken down and see if there was still a way to reach XXXX . The time this would take for a bad wizard to perform the spell ruled it out but, he considered thoughtfully, it was a good choice for a panic filled moment. “What are you doing here?” he finally asked, having run through the entire options and found nothing more obvious.
“I snuck in the back way!”
“You are going to get me into hot water again!”
“Again?!” He asked, nearly standing in the fire in his haste to get warm.
“I have had the Watch question me! In front of the Arch-chancellor too!”
“What did they ask? What did you say? Who said what to whom?”
“That’s all a bit academic! They are going to put some gargoyles on the roof to see if you arrive or leave. So far you beat them to it but, by dawn tomorrow, you are a marked man!”
“You don’t care do you?”
“No, because you are going to go away and leave me alone! I like the idea of that!”
“You are my big brother! You can’t throw me to the Wolves!”
“I’m not, but I’ll put money on you being thrown to the Patrician.” He lowered his voice. “Personally I would rather prefer the Wolves!” He felt just a twinge of brotherly guilt and sighed. “All right, all right, I’ll help. There is only one place you can go where there is little chance of anyone ever finding you. Howonderland!”
“Howonderland!” came back the laughing sneer.
“Howonderland!” Rincewind was amazed at his own coolness. He didn’t know he had it in him!
“Howonderland??” The amazement had suddenly dropped faster than a Morpork penny.
“Is there an echo in here?” Asked Rincewind enjoying the agony being someone else’s bug-bear for the time being, “I can get you to the border and leave you to it! We’ll need to move soon otherwise those gargoyles will spot you! Hurry up with that drink!” The large water jug was nearly empty.
Under the cover of darkness two figures climbed over the brick wall of the University and disappeared into the alleyways of Ankh Morpork. If they thought they had not been noticed then they were wrong. The Bledlow was off like a robber’s dog to the Arch-chancellor.
And another, smaller, squat figure cleared the brick wall with ease. It grumbled as it made its way into the darkness. There was no way the University’s Rincewind would ever get back safely without his help. “Oook!”
The alleys were safe but not as safe as could have been for Rincewind who, after a brief affair with bravado was now rueing the fact Ridcully had ever made him respond to the letter!
Devoid of good shoes Stewart was slow. In fact, for a Rincewind, he lacked the usual family speed and agility. He caught up as the Gate was about to be dropped. It meant the guards had to get out of view to close the gate. Rincewind grabbed Stewart by what remained of his collar, chose his moment and ran. Stewart had no choice! It was run or be caught by the guards. A terrible fate even with Sam Vimes in charge! They used the gate wall to cover themselves as the gate was ceremoniously shut.
“Come on!” Rincewind half lugged half urged his exhausted relation across Chicken and Hen field and on in to a thick line of trees. “We should have borrowed a horse!” but Stewart was asleep. Rincewind looked up at the sound of horses. He couldn’t run. He daren’t run. That left staying where he was and keeping still. The horse came to a halt and what looked like an old sack on the saddle slipped off and the horse followed obediently.
“oook!” came the whisper.
Rincewind just stopped himself from doing something no one had ever trained him not to do but he had done from instinct. “Hor-librarian?”
“ook” a leathery hand handed over the reigns.
Stewart woke and screamed. Fortunately this was covered by a “Bloody Stupid Johnson” Owl which had just decided to hoot backwards for exactly the same length of time that Stewart screamed.
“Shut up! We’ll be found! The Librarian has brought us a horse! It’ll have to carry both of us -. What do you mean, all three of us? You can’t come with us! You are a watch guard!” Rincewind saw Stewarts face blanch and thought, do I look like that when scared?
“Ook, ook, Eek!”
“Oh all right! If you say so! Let’s go!” They climbed aboard. The horse protested but the thought of having a fully grown male Orangutan on its back put it off complaining too hard.
The ground beneath them sped by a lot faster and, as they passed various clacks towers, they were aware of the constantly flashing lights. They did not have to guess what the flashing lights meant. The name Rincewind would be in there somewhere.
“Ook. Ook!”
“Ok, I’ll turn off here!” Rincewind prided himself on his riding ability. It was almost as impressive as his ability to shout for help in several languages. Several days followed where they lived off the land or the sea shore, where the Librarian managed much better than the Rincewind brothers. Finally they reached the far edge of Klatch after missing several close and slightly unfortunate encounters with D’regs along with a short but eventful mis-understanding with a Klatchian woman’s husband which, ended only by the Librarian rolling back his top lip and showing an impressive set of yellowing teeth.
“This is it!” Rincewind pulled the tired horse to a halt. “It’s a jungle, but it’ll supply you with most things and, somewhere in there is a few local tribes. Try to find the ones that have had contact with outsiders! Goodbye Stewart, try not to come back to Ankh-Morpork!”
“Bye Rincewind!” He turned to look at the jungle. The whoops and screams were accompanied by a little plopping noise. He turned back to state he had no intention at staying at this rather frightening place to find he was alone!

To be continued...
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Postby Sjoerd3000 » Wed May 19, 2010 7:25 am

Nice Meerkat :P but isn´t it Howondaland? :wink:
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Postby meerkat » Wed May 19, 2010 8:51 am

Ahem! You have to travel through Klatch to get to the Howonderland border from where Rincewind and team set out!

My story my rules! 8) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby meerkat » Wed May 19, 2010 12:50 pm


Rincewind flop back into his seat as the Librarian emerged sitting on the desk. He casually removed a rock from a particularly sensitive place and “Ooked.” to himself.
“How?” It was the only word Rincewind could think of.
The Librarian grinned in a wide simian smile and opened his hand. In that dark leathery palm lay a small but pulsating sphere of light. “Ook ok eek boo!”
“Call it what you like, but that’s a time shifting celestial orb! Where did you get it? Only the likes of -.” He looked cautiously about him “- Death, carries those!” He listened as the Librarian ook’d a response. “The Broken Drum in a game of Cripple Mr Onion with ‘Hairy shirted Bob? You cheated, didn’t you? Oh my Gods!” but then, he reasoned, who was ever going to argue with a 200lb male Orangutan?
The Librarian shuffled off the desk and carefully opened the door. He closed it and put his figure badly against pursed lips. Someone was coming.
The Arch-chancellor and Sam Vimes entered, or to be more exact, Sam Vimes was carried along in the Arch-chancellor’s wake. Behind them was a red faced heavily breathing and perspiring Bledlow. Rincewind didn’t recognise him but then he tried not to get involved with the Lipwigzers of the human world, if indeed the Bledlows were human! He started to shake. But, in this little world run by the effervescent Arch-chancellor Ridcully, behaving naturally was the best policy. “Er, ye-es?”
“You were seen leaving the University Grounds!” stated Ridcully before Vimes had even taken a breath in.
“No, I’ve been here all the time and so has the Librarian!”
“Then you were seen with another heading over the back entrance and heading for the Hen and Chickens Field!” Continued Ridcully who never heard anything that wasn’t repeated to him forty times and then he’d ask for it to be repeated.
“No, I have been here all the time!”
Vimes put his hand on the Arch-chancellors arm. “Mr Rincewind, there is unfinished business here and the Patrician is NOT repeat not, going to be a happy patrician! Face will be lost here and I mean that of Ankh-Morpork. We need the truth and we need it now!”
And Rincewind told them – except that which they needed to know!
Stewart looked back across the lonely plains that were the end of Klatch and the beginning of Howonderland. “Rincewind you son of a bi-.” He had to stop or he was insulting his mother and incriminating himself.
“Very uncivil, Mr Rincewind! He got you away, didn’t he?”
Stewart spun round. The Gods alone knew who spoke such good Ankh-Morporkian here! He turned back to see a rather fine tall slim girl leaning against a tree with a rather knowing grin on her face. Her teeth were white and sparkling and he thought two of them were just a bit longer than they should be! “Who are you?”
“Sgt Angua, of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch!”
“Well, -well, well - you have no authority here!”
“Maybe not, but I wanted to see if Rincewind would carry it out once he got going. Not known for seeing something through, Rincewind, unless it means running and usually in the opposite direction!”
“And see where he left me!” He threw out his arms.
“Yes, safe!”
“Safe? Gods alone know what’s in there!”
“Nothing that hasn’t been terrifying people for thousands of years!”
“How do I live now?”
“That is up to you!”
“What will you do?”
“Nothing! I’ll report back to the Commander and I expect there will be some huge cock and bull story put about after which you will be forgotten. Totally!”
“No, ‘buts’. Here’s a bag of meat I cau- here’s some food from the jungle to get you started. Mr Rincewind, the Wizard might have only been a half brother but he risked his own cowardly life for you. Don’t EVER forget that!” She threw him the bag and disappeared behind the tree. A few moments later a large hound emerged and bounded off back towards Ankh-Morpork.
Stewart fainted.
The Librarian put the city watch badge round his neck and made as dignified an ape salute as he could.
“Right!” Vimes always hated speaking to the Librarian because he was certain he’d get the most important Ook wrong.” You know the truth don’t you? And you’re going to refuse to offer it up, aren’t you?”
Vimes sighed, “You’re a good friend. You know that don’t you?”
The ape looked at the human and a lot went unspoken but understood.
Rincewind left the Patricians Palace still breathing and alive, grateful for the fact that anything pointed was only spoken. The Patrician had dismissed him with a rather cold demand that if another Rincewind ever entered the gates of Ankh-Morpork then Rincewind would know what ‘blood’ really meant.

The end.
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Postby chuckie » Wed May 19, 2010 3:39 pm

Thanks Meercat, really enjoyed that. :)
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Postby meerkat » Wed May 19, 2010 4:05 pm

:oops: So kind! :D
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Postby poohcarrot » Thu May 20, 2010 7:22 am

:lol: Very clever! :P
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Postby meerkat » Thu May 20, 2010 7:38 am

Pooh, coming from yourself I am honoured! :D
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Postby Ponder Stibbons » Wed May 26, 2010 3:01 pm

Billiant, meerkat!! *applauds* I suppose you got some training from the toot talking thread. The characters are all in character.Good job!
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Postby meerkat » Thu May 27, 2010 9:39 pm

Usual story. Someone says something and I start thinking and, lo!, it goes down on paper!

Thank you for your kind thoughts. Much appreciated!
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Postby Ponder Stibbons » Fri May 28, 2010 2:31 pm

I just had a thought: What if rincewind decided to get plastic surgery and become a girl from the misinterpreted and chauvinist idea that they had life easy and no crazy dangerous world ending destinies :wink:
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Postby meerkat » Fri May 28, 2010 3:14 pm

Poor Rincewind! :shock:

No, that didn't do it!

The comment has to be totally random. You could write it though and see where it comes out!
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