This is in response to Ponder Stibbons's "Theory" thread, but I felt that it deserved it's own thread:
I have a theory that chickens are faster than the speed of light.
Let us start at the beginning, as any decent scientists should, and present the most basic query that we may.
Chickens are our primary concern, specifically the composition, and behavior of your typical rural or fast-food variety. When we consider the composition of chickens, we find that they are, like most earth poultry, composed primarily of hydrogen, oxygen, and carbon compounds. Not at all unusual. But when we consider the more highly evolved fast-food chickens, we discover that due to an exothermic reaction and the application of external mixtures (marinations) the chicken's composition becomes highly unpredictable and we must therefore resort to chaos theory to determine it's true composition. As we shall discover later, the true composition of a chicken cannot be acurately observed at the same time as it's location and velocity (due to the Sanders uncertainty principle), and so we can never be 100% sure that the chicken whose composition we have sampled is the one we intended to sample or some other chicken somewhere else.
When we consider the behavior of the chicken, we find that the chicken is seemingly an animal domesticated to the unique environment of food acquisition. The chicken, from it's fetal egg state until the state of it's demise is held within the confines of a farm-like atmosphere, it's sole purpose in life, to lay eggs, which humans eat, and then to be butchered and devoured (by humans).
In customized situations, the more desirable chickens are allowed to mate with the chicken's male counterpart, the rooster. Under these conditions the chicken will produce fertilized eggs which will, at a later point in time, become chickens. In this way the chicken population may be maintained, expanded, or contracted. The chicken is, for the most part, native to all areas of the earth, even that chaotic pool of mutated genes we call Australia.
So the question that arises is: How can the chicken, which is a wild animal native to areas all over the world, only be found in the domesticated rural environment? When is the last time you saw a chicken flying wildly over the mid-western frontier skies of America? Does the wild chicken soar gracefully over the burning sands and oil fields of the Middle East? Of course not! The chicken, an animal found abundantly in the rural environment does not appear in the wilds.
For that matter, when is the last time you saw a chicken fly? (More than a few feet anyway.) We know that the chicken is biologically classified, as is other poultry, as a flying bird. We may see the duck, the goose, the swan, or turkey, flying in a wild environment, but the chicken is never seen flying or in the wild, even though we know that it must exist there.
The only scientific answer must be that the chicken does fly, and furthermore, it must fly in the wild, but we, the normal human observers, never see it.
The Chicken Theory's primary goal is to answer that question. But in answering that question we find that we must search elsewhere for new questions which may arise. As responsible scientists we must go about these duties according to scientific theory. The next step, after establishing the problem, is to form a hypothesis. The hypothesis of the chicken theory is this: The chicken can not be seen flying by the common observer because the chicken moves at a speed which exceeds that of light.
If we accept that hypothesis, we understand why the chicken cannot be seen flying in the wild, or even in a rural environment for more than a few feet. The chicken, as it approaches the speed of light, accelerates to a velocity which can not be observed because it transcends the movement of light, itself. This hypothesis fits perfectly the facts that are presented to us. The chicken, when in the wild flies only at FTL speeds, and lands only in rural farm areas, where it is treated with the kind of respect that it has been bred to appreciate.
Why chickens do not flee from certain death when holiday seasons come around is unknown at this point, but it is commonly believed that chickens are either willing to die for religious reasons, or they do in fact flee, but their extreme speed creates a time paradox and thus the time-line is split into two alternate realities, one in which they have fled, and one in which they have not fled.
Much like electrons, chickens come and go from area to area, zipping in and out at the speed of light (or the speed of chickens in this case). One might ask how it is that a farmer is able to keep the chickens that he owns. Again, much like electrons, chickens are attracted to a farm-like environment. While electrons rotate around a central proton, occasionally escaping to another atom, the same is true for chickens. Chickens and electrons are subject to a probability cloud. While the number of chickens at a given farm may fluctuate, it always remains relatively close to a standard number. The exact mathematics which can be used to approximate this chicken population belongs to a special theory of trigonometric mathematics developed by Father Eghed of the Episcopal Churches of Fried Chicken. This special mathematical theory, based on the earlier works of Sir Issac Newton, is known as Cluculas.
This brings us to the ground breaking experimental work of Colonel Finneus T. Sanders of the U.S. Department of Advanced Research of Poultry Agency (DARPA). His use of the underground super conducting super collider facilities in Kentucky resulted in the formulation of his Spice/Thyme theory as well as the release of nearly 40,000 rads of radioactive coolant into the Kentucky ground water supply. Col. Sanders was awarded the Noble Peace Prize for his humanitarian endeavors in the field of chicken acceleration and collision.
The Spice/Thyme theory is best explained as the proposition that there exist eleven original HERBS (Hyper-Extensive Regional Boundaries in Space), or dimensions, in the spice/thyme discontinuum. The first three have often been misconstrued by adherents to Einsteins "Space/Time" theory as Length, Width, Depth, and Time. It has, in fact been discovered by Col. Sanders that they are actually Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. The other seven dimensions, being utterly alien to our limited human perception, have no official names. However, many scientists have decided to arbitrarily, and unconventionally name them: Up, Down, Left, Timothy Leary, Dopey, Sneezy, and Doc.
Given these new discoveries we can modify Einstien's equation for energy: E=mc^2. In the past this has been interpreted as meaning Energy is equal to Mass times the Speed of Light Squared. We now know that there is a speed which exceeds that of light. Therefore, we will replace the speed of light with the more appropriate "c": the Speed of Chicken.
The practical uses of this theory may not seem abundant now, but I believe that in the near future they will be necessary for the continued existence of mankind. Whether or not man can escape the humble fate of this planet, and reach the stars will depend on his ability to travel faster than the speed of light. At the current time only chickens are capable of this sort of travel, but through sincere research man should be to engage in the noble pursuit of mimicking the behavior of the chicken, and in doing so we will "chicken out" to other worlds.
This theory also provides supporting evidence for the existence of other parallel worlds. What would these worlds be like? Would there be a world where Hitler never existed? This is unlikely. After all, the only cause for these alterations in probabilistic reality are the results of chickens. Most likely these other worlds would vary only slightly in human respects. However, the world of chickens would be infinitely diverse.
Imaging the results: Worlds with chickens of exotic plumage, Chickens which clack instead of clucking, chickens which taste like something other than chicken, or perhaps even a world ruled entirely by chickens. As scientists, we must dedicate ourselves to discovering these brave new worlds and reaping the benefits they have to offer.
Opponents of the Chicken Theory would have us believe that the Chicken Theory is nothing but nonsense, and the ramblings of insane men. This is just not true. It may be true that the Chicken Theory challenges our own common sense. But these paradoxes of logic can be quickly resolved if we just take the time to understand the forces at work. For instance, the age old question: What came first: The Chicken or the Egg?
Aristotelian logic might demand that an active force is only possible given the pre-existence of a potential force. Some would claim the Egg comes first. On the other hand, an existential outlook might be that objects only exist through expressing action on the exterior world. By this ideology, the chicken must come first.
However, with understanding of the Chicken Theory, we know that both explanations are incorrect. The chicken, traveling faster than the speed of light, enters a hyper-spacial dimension in which time travels backwards. The chicken arrives at his destination before it left. Due to this unusual type of travel, time, as we know it, does not apply to the chicken. Earlier we explained how the Sanders uncertainty principle applies to a chicken.
As it turns out, it is impossible to know the given location and velocity of a chicken at any given time. Likewise, we cannot know the age of any chicken given its location. By this logic we must deduce that the chicken ages backwards at a speed greater than the world around him. The egg is layed before the chicken which layed it is born. Likewise the chicken exists in a time frame before the laying of the egg.
This is what is known as the Chicken Paradox. From the egg's own point of view, the egg came before the chicken. Likewise the chicken came before the egg from it's point of view. This has caused some radical scientists to speculate that there is actually only one chicken, and that it is continually laying eggs which turn out to be itself, and so on. Few chicken theory specialists take the Unified Chicken Theory seriously, but it has not yet been adequately refuted.
This isn't mine, but I like it.