Ankh-Morpork Times (Editor's Desk)

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Postby chris.ph » Fri Oct 03, 2008 5:27 pm

jesus mspanner how long does it take you to think these out?
as always really good tho :!:
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Postby Tonyblack » Fri Oct 03, 2008 5:39 pm

:lol: Very good indeed!
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Postby mspanners » Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:14 pm

Hi guys and galls,these short tales do not take to long to think up. :)

Sometimes when I am in work and have a quite Minuet or two and am listening to an Audio book I mix real world situations with Discworld ones and people in my mind, and jot them down. I then flesh the idea out a little when I get Home in the Morning.

I Just look at what's going on in the World and apply these situations to the disc............... in most cases...........and I sometime think what has happened to some of the people created by Mr Pratchett that we never hear from again...........where are they now and so on and try to place them in a news report. Plus I have a few favourites to.......... Nobby, Fred, Vimes Death and the Wizzard's , sorry wizards of UU and so on.

May have a go at a news flash using the Witches or Beggers, got to think something up.......possibly Nanny Ogg wining a beauty competition! :shock:
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Postby mspanners » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:19 pm

Society News Report............transcripts from the First Miss Discworld Competition.


Hello this is our coverage from the very First Miss Disc Beauty Competition held at the Opera House Ankh Morpork............Read on................

Firstly Hosting the show this Year was the still well loved and recently recovering Actor and expelled Wizard Victor Tugelbend, the moving Picture star.

Seen dating His old Clicks partner Theda Withel AKA Delores De Syn Victor has made a magical comeback and looked as good as He did during His high days in the Clicks.

We pressed Him as to whether the two of them are to get back together to do some stage shows (Since the Clicks are banned by the Wizards at UU Quote "Darn nuisance things stirring up the Dungeon Dimensions, fire balls to anyone who tried that again. Whilst I am the Arch Chancellor any way...." ).

The truth of the matter is that the Two are now a couple, both on stage in Public and in private.
It turns out they were Married in Quirm last Grune in secret, not wanting to attract the attention of the Papers. Mrs Tugelbend could not attend the show this Year due to being Seven Months Pregnant, but hopes to be back in the Lime Light latter next Year when Both She and Victor will be Turing the plains along side Enrico Basilica in the New Opera-Musical called South Side fabrication, the tale of illegal love.

We all hope they do really well, Good luck Victor, Dolores and Enrico!

Well now on with the show....................


The Judges picked by the Sponsors (The Grand Opera House, The Ankh-Morpork Times and The Bank of Ankh) are............. DEATH, Lord Vetinari, Giamo Casanunda, Moist von Lipwig, Mr Pump and Adora Belle Dearheart.

We had a quick word with the Judges inquiring as to what they would be looking for in the contestants..............

Lord Vetinari said He was looking for a strong personality and strength of mind.

Mr Casanunda told us that He would like to meet a contestant with a well built personality and lots of Gold bangles, and by the way, could we get Him and introduction after the show? Ermmm, No was our reply...............

DEATH was reluctant to give us a reply, but muttered as He walked away from our reporter..... "DARN IT, THEY HAVE SUMMONED ME HERE FOR THIS. THE CHEAP SKATES ONLY PICKED ME BECAUSE I DO NOT CHARGE FOR MY SERVICES..................AND I CAN'T LEAVE UNTILL THIS TRAVISTY IS OVER.............. DARN..."

Moist von Lipwig was more than willing to talk to our reporter, he has been more forthcoming since His exposure as an ex-con man during His trial and acquittal last Year.

He said to our Man... "We at the Bank and Post Office support this sort of thing, some people say it is a sexist show and just for the titillation of the male populace.Not so, thanks to the Guild of Seamstresses campaign and to some degree pressure from Miss Dearheart we have had to include a surprise male contestant. We will see how it works out this Year and if the inclusion of a Man in the competition is a success, if so we will allow this in future shows.If not then its Ladies only. We intent to publicise the show further afield next Year."

We wait to see who the Male Miss Disc contestant will be................!

Mr pump was asked the same question.........."As a member of the Civil Services of Ankh and Morpork my opinions are not valid, I will vote for the contestant my Master wishes me to...........but I look forward to the day that I have paid my purchase price off and can be an independent person with my own opinions and ideas."

And finally we had a quick word with Adora Belle Dearheart, we managed to chat with Her between one of Her chain smoking bouts........."I think this competition will be a boost for the city, trade is up and I hope to see increased interest from people and company's out side Ankh in relation to hiring Golems. Indeed I would like to announce that The Golem Trust has entered Gladys in this Year's show. With the publicity this will generate we hope to move the business Discworld wide and in doing so purchase even more Golams at an increasing rate."

Now over to Victor and on with the show............


Victor...."Hello Lord Vetinari, Ladies,Gentlemen,Dwarfs,Golems,Trolls and other interested Deities and people to the very first Discworld Miss Disc Competition".

"It is so nice to see such a multitude of people showing interest in supporting this endeavour and a kind thanks to our sponsors The Grand Opera House (Pause for applause), The Ankh-Morpork Times(Pause for applause) and The Bank of Ankh (applause)".

"Thank you, thank you. Now without a due we will start the show, first on the catwalk is.........(Drum Roll)..........Nanny Ogg?"

From behind the curtain at the far end of the walk a stunning apparition made its way towards Victor, dresses in Her finest Black cloak and cleanest pointy Hat Nanny Ogg made Her way.

Victor..."Hello Ermmm Miss...?.... Ogg. I must say you look stunning in your best Pointy hat tonight, please tell me why you have chosen to compete in this Year's show.."

Nanny "Well Victor I know Technically I should be disqualified from the show as, in fact I am not a Miss and have not been one since I married my first Husband when I was Fifteen Years old back in Lancre but at the moment I am single and looking from some company in my old age.
I was sorry to here that you and Miss De Syn had got back together, but if you ever get a divorce then I am here to let you know I am available, Victor my Love".

Voice from the crowd "Gytha Ogg you shameless hussy, you told me that you were going to enter the show for the money, the 200 Dollars would set up Jason in His new Carriage Wheel Business. Now it looks like you have only entered so you could get next to Mr Tugelbend............shame on you, and Him a married man too......".

"Sorry Esme but I could not miss the chance, at my age you have to grab the Bull by the Horn so to speak....oh hello Giamo nice to see you again, you doing anything after the show?" said Mrs Ogg, waving at the Dwarf sat at the Judges Table.

"I give up" said the voice of Granny Weatherwax as She sat down with a thump.

Victor "Well we can take one or two questions from the Judges, lets see...........Adora Belle what would you like to ask Mrs......sorry Miss Ogg?".

Adora "Miss Ogg what do you see as the main problem with society to day and how would you fix it?".

Nanny "Well I think what the World needs is more Love and understanding, and one way I would fix this is to add some of my patent Nanny's Ogg enchantment oil to the Water supplies, or encourage the people to buy my Famous Cook Book........"

Victor "One more question, this time from Lord Vetinari".

Vetinari "Miss Ogg how do you see Lancre's position in relationship to Ankh, I believe you have some influence on the King and Queen of Lancre and if we were to open up a trading relationship with that wonderful land how would we be greeted? ".

"Well I do have some influence with Magrat and Verence and I could have a word in their ear if I had the mind to..........." said Nanny.

"Now for the vote, hold you cards up please Judges" said Victor.


DEATH.................10

Lord Vetinari.........10

Giamo Casanunda.......10 (And a thumbs up whilst waving the key fob to His room.)

Moist von Lipwig......6

Mr Pump...............10

Adora Belle Dearheart.0


"That's a total of 46 for Mrs...sorry Miss Ogg, thank you Miss Ogg if you would care to follow my assistant to the rear of the stage we can introduce the next contestant" said Victor.

Victor "Next on the list is the one contestant the Guide of Gamblers has placed as favourite,
and She is no stranger to being in the Public eye, ex centrefold in Girls, Giggles and Garters........introducing the one and only Tawnee....."

From the far end of the catwalk the stunning glittering and gliding model of Womanhood that was Tawnee AKA Betty.The sound of Men (and some Women) sighing filled the void of silence as She glided down the walkway.

Glassy eyed Victor "Hello Miss Tawnee, how are you today, in good sprit I hope?"

Tawnee "Hi Victor, I have been doing well thank you very much."

Victor " Now lets have a few questions from the Judges......Ermmm......Giamo Casanunda first I think"

Giamo "I understand that you are a member of the Entertainers Guild,an exotic Dancer and also a Glamour Model. Your Life must be very busy, how do you make Time in it for your self and your partner?"

With this Tawnee burst into tears "I have no Time to my self,sob,as for a partner I have not been happy since I split with Nobby, sob, and all the Men I meet are either scared of me or are possessive and cruel.......I miss Nobby so much.....sob,sob"

From the Darkness of the seating Nobby's voice called out " Sorry Tawnee, I never understood you still had feelings for me, wait there".

There was the noise of seats being pushed aside as Nobby made His way through the crowd and on to the stage,he rushed up to Tawnee and they both embraced each other in a lover's clinch.

"Come away with me my love, you do not need to do this any more.....I will look after you" said Nobby.

Tawnee wiping the tears away grind and picked up Nobby in Her arms and waltzed away off stage.........

Victor "Err.......cough..........has She dropped out?........Really....?......OK then.."

"Well onto the next contestant then........Sorry Judges no need to vote for Tawnee She has left the building and found a better life I think."

"YES" said DEATH whilst closely examining a rather long and slim Hour Glass.

Victor "Now someone who will be knocking them over in the pits and mines of Copperhead Miss
Cheery Littlebottom............."

The curtains pulled back to revel Cheery dressed in a charming little dress made of finest Leather studded with rivets, and a bejewelled a small ornamental Battle Axe with gold filigree ornamentation hanging off Her belt .

She made Her way to the end of the walkway..

Victor "Hi Miss Littlebottom, I must say you are looking very .......feminine... for a Dwarf, very nice".

Cheery "Why thank you Victor, I was a little worried that appearing dressed like this may have upset some of the Dwarf Folk but in the end I felt that I had to make a statement about my sexuality and by doing this show I have made my point"

At this there was a loud cheer and banging of axes and shields from the audience.

"Looks like you are popular with the Dwarf Men in the audience" said Victor.

"Not at all, those are Female supporters who have come along to give me their support, I think there will be a burning of Armour and smashing of tankards after this day, we are Women and proud of it"

"Hooray" came the shout from Cheery's Fans.

"Now calm down please Ladies, we need to push on with the show...thank you....thank you. Right I think we will take a question from.....DEATH"said Victor.

DEATH "MISS LITTLEBOTTOM YOU WORK FOR THE WATCH AND COME INTO CONTACR WITH THE DEAD IN MANY SITUATIONS, HOW DOSE THIS AFFECT YOU?

Cherry "Oh I have come to accept the situation now, but I remember the first time I say a dead body I was sick. Being in contact with the deceased changes your out look, it has made me a stronger person."

DEATH "YES IT DOSE CHANGE YOU DOESN'T IT"

"OK lets vote........." said Victor.

DEATH.................10

Lord Vetinari.........7.5

Giamo Casanunda.......10 (And a thumbs up whilst waving the key fob to His room. Again...)

Moist von Lipwig......5

Mr Pump...............7.5

Adora Belle Dearheart.5

Victor "Well that's a close run thing, 45 to Miss Littlebottom,well done cheery.If you can take your place next to Mrs.......sorry again....Miss Ogg, thank you".

"Now our next contestant was a bit of a surprise to the sponsors but we are a forward looking peoples so it only remains to call on Gladys, Mr Lipwig's former secretary......."

The curtains glided back to revel Gladys, painted a lovely shade of Blue with Gold flakes sprinkled over Her paint to give the effect of a shimmering dress. She clomped forward onto the walkway..........there was a loud creaking sound then the snap as the planking under Her feet gave way to two tons of clay, the sound was repeated three more times as Gladys plummeted through the floors below. It ended in a loud smashing sound as She hit the stone floor in the sub basement. Victor rushed to the edge of the hole in the walkway peering down..

"Its OK, She has smashed Her legs off but a little builders cement should see Her OK again. Sorry Gladys hope you are not to disappointed" shouted Victor.

Back at His rostrum Victor took a look at the notes on the last contestant..........

Victor "Right and now for the token Male entry........ugh.......is this right? Ho well.....Ladies and gentleman I give you............"

From behind the curtain came "Bugrit, millennium hand an' shrimp trussed me they did the worms on the other boot tell em I did bellum"

Victor "Foul Ole Ron..................."

The curtain swished back to reveal Ron with thinking guide dog Gaspode, both inched their way around the hole in the walkway towards Victor.

Victor, holding nose "Now Ron, why did you enter the MISS Disc competition?"

Ron "Fish and old boots, I told em, never did it. Where's the meat, I warned em , yes" and then another Voice said "We were promised a big bash at the end of the show, sausages chicken spuds and so on.....come on Ron lets get backstage and start throwing the grub out the window to the Duckman before the others get at it. That old Witch looks like She can pack the food away.......come on"

With that Ron ambled off stage to the reception.

Victor "Errrrrrrrrrr..........well that's it, I am off, what a shambles. Ho well done Mrs...Miss Ogg .Here's the Money and the Tiara, well done hope you enjoy the publicity this will bring you. See Ya.........." and Victor left......

So there it is Nanny Ogg is the New (and first) Miss Disc.

Cheery Littlebottom made Her point at the show and is Nanny Ogg's replacement should she stand down this Year.

The Kingdom of Lancre and Ankh will be a little more friendly to each other.

Tawnee and Nobby are a couple again and have never been so happy, Tawnee is taking cooking lessons as well..........

Gladys was none the worse off from Her fall and the story was in the Papers across the Disc, lots of work was the outcome for the Trust.

Funny how thinks turn out in the end.

Ho...........And Foul old Ron and co had a lovely time too.........The End.
Last edited by mspanners on Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Tonyblack » Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:07 pm

:lol: That's crazy! :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Postby chris.ph » Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:47 pm

brilliant but twisted wots your first name mspanners and r u from somerset
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Postby mspanners » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:33 pm

Dave is my first name and ya a somerset lad.
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Postby Tonyblack » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:35 pm

:lol: I think he was wondering if your first name was Terry! :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Postby mspanners » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:41 pm

TerryBull may be......... :D Glad you enjoyed it...... right i am logging off now and going to hit the bath, a quick kip then off to work at 11.
Got some other ideas for a few more postings, will post as soon as I have them sorted. See Ya all...... 8)
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Postby mspanners » Tue Oct 07, 2008 3:56 pm

The Tale of Windle Poons Deceased.......

This tale starts at Mrs. Evadne Cake's home one Night last Week when a seance was held on the behalf of Mustrum Ridcully who was interested in finding out how His old friend and fellow alumni Old Windle Poons had got on after His delayed meeting with The Grim Reaper.

At the seance were Mrs.Cake ,Her Daughter Ludmilla ,Angua von Überwald... a close friend of both Evadne and Ludmilla Cake, Lady Sybil Ramkin who was invited to attend by Angua whom She had befriended after being introduce to Her by Her Husband The Sir Samuel Vimes,who is Angua's Commander at the Watch and Boss. And of course not forgetting the Archchancellor of the Unseen University, Mustrum Ridcully (The Brown).

Sat around a small round table set in gloomy shadows in the newly redecorated front room of Mrs. Cakes home the group had an up turned glass placed on a dark and dusty Ouija board.

"Why is the board so dusty Mrs. Cake" asked Lady Sybil.

"Ho, I leaves it like that for the look of the thing your Ladyship, gives the seance an atmosphere. And sometimes I leaves a pot of sprouts boiling on the cooker, that gives the room the smell of ancient crypts" said Mrs. Cake.

"Right every one, are we all ready from this? I have made contact with One-Man-Bucket and He has told me the Mr. Poons is still waiting in Limbo for an opening in the role that He wants to be reincarnated into. One-Man-Bucket said that if He were to be a little less fussy about the next Life He could have been reincarnated ages ago........ there is a waiting list for that sort of opening going back a few Hundred Years. Apparently.........."

"OK Here we go, can we all please place one finger each on the bottom of the glass........ yes that's good but can you stop trying to push the glass around the board please Mr. Ridcully.......... I have not summoned Mr. Poons yet, thank you."

"Sorry, thought I felt something there" said the Archchancellor.

"One-Man-Bucket,One-Man-Bucket,One-Man-Bucket I call on you to attend...........One-Man-Bucket attend me now" said Mrs. Cake.

The Candles sat outside the shadowy circle flickered and a voice boomed out "SORRY FOR THE INCONVENEANCE BUT ONE-MAN-BUCKET IS UNAVAILABLE AT THIS TIME, DUE TO HAVING THE SPRIT OF A VASE RAMMED OVER HIS HEAD......... MRS. CAKE I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT SOME OF THE OTHER ...SOULS HAVE CAUGHT ON TO YOUR AND ONE-MAN-BUCKETS LITTLE TRICK.........." said DEATH as he stepped up to the table.

"Well seeing that you are here can we contact the dead through you please?" She asked the dark one.

"THAT IS AN UNUSUAL REQUEST........ BUT YES I CAN CONTACT THE ABANDONED SPIRITS IN LIMBO." replied the Grim Reaper.

"Good Good, we would like to talk to Old Windle the Ex-Wizard, Mr. Ridcully would like to ask Him a few questions if that is all right?" Mrs. Cake responded.

"ASK AWAY" Death said.

"Hello Windle, how are thing on the other side these days?" said Mustrum Ridcully.

The glass started to move around the Ouija, DEATHS finger placed on the bottom of the glass guiding it around.

"Can't you just tell us what He has to say instead of pushing the glass around like that?" asked Ludmilla.

"YES, BUT THIS IS MORE IN THE SPRIT OF THE MOMENT I THINK, MRS. CAKE HAS GONE TO ALL THE TROUBLE OF SETTING UP THE CANDLES AND DUSTING THE BOARD SO I WILL GIVE YOU ALL YOUR MONEYS WORTH........" said DEATH.

The word spelled out was.......... B O R I N G.

The gathering looked at each other then downcast there eyes back to the glass....

It had started to move again, but this time of its own accord.........

H E L P M E M R S . C A K E W I N D L E H A S R A M M E D T H I S V A S E O V E R M Y H E A D

Mrs. Cake looked at DEATH through slit eyes "Has One-Man-Bucket been getting on you nerves....... or what passes for nerves in your case?" She said to DEATH.

"YES JUST A LITTLE. SORRY MRS. CAKE I HAVE MADE A DEAL WITH WINDLE, I SMASHED A VASE AND AND WINDLE CRAMMED THE SPRIT OF IT OVER OLD-MAN-BUCKETS HEAD. AND IT WILL STAY THERE UNTIL HE LEARNS TO COMPORT HIM SELF WITH MORE RESPECT FOR THE OTHER SOULS WAITING IN LIMBO" Responded the dark lord.

"Excuse me your Lordship but what's in it for Mr. Windle Poons?" asked Lady Ramkin.

"I think I can answer that one" boomed the voice of Mustrum Ridcully, with a trace for jollity in it.

"He has been moved to the head of the queue has'ent He" said Mustrum to DEATH.

"WELL NOT EXACTLY TO THE HEAD OF THE QUEUE, MORE LIKE BACK TO THE HEAD OF THE CUE. I HAVE FOUND A LOOPHOLE IN THE SYSTEM, I HAVE TAKEN HIS SPRIT BACK THROUGH WHAT YOU CALL TIME TO AN OPENING IN THE POSITION THAT MR. POONS WANTED. HE WANTED TO RETURN AS A WOMAN WHO DID NOT HAVE TO DO ANY SWEEPING OR COOKING, TO A LIFE THAT WAS ERRRRRRR.... COUGH ... A LITTLE MORE EXCITING"
replied DEATH.

"Who has he come back as?" inquired Mustrum.

"SORRY ARCHCHANCELLOR, I AM UNABLE TO GIVE OUT THAT SORT OF INFORMATION, BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU HE IS IN FOR A VERY GOOD TIME" DEATH responded.

And with that the seance disbanded, and all those involved returned to there lives and duties, only one of them ever knew who Windle returned as.....................




In a dark Bedroom in the squalid Shades, and at a time that is not now the cry of an new born child was heard...

"It is a Girl love" said the happily grinning face that belonged to a new Father..." Its your choice .....what's it to be"

"Rosemary, yes Rosemary Palm is a name with a future" said the Mother..........
Last edited by mspanners on Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Tonyblack » Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:22 pm

:lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Postby chris.ph » Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:41 pm

i swear its only me and tony reading these otherwise youd have more praise :)
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Postby mspanners » Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:49 pm

Hey,no worrys. The joy is in writing them, I do not bothered that one person or a million people read them........ :)
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Postby Jinx » Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:01 am

chris.ph wrote:i swear its only me and tony reading these otherwise youd have more praise :)


Besides, you don't want to be giving out too much praise, it only encourages people.

j/k :P
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Postby mspanners » Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:18 am

I never needed any encouragement ! I am incorrigible........ :wink:
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