Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:05 pm

Thankfully no. We've enough black sheep as it is.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:22 pm

Flocks and flocks and flocks of em, eh? ;)
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Feb 12, 2014 8:11 pm

Bouncy Castle wrote:Flocks and flocks and flocks of em, eh? ;)

Bouncy are you saying there are flying sheep. :?: ;) :mrgreen:
Last edited by Who's Wee Dug on Wed Feb 12, 2014 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Wed Feb 12, 2014 8:25 pm

with this wind ,i wouldnt be surprised :whistle: :whistle:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Thu Feb 20, 2014 3:49 am

TWO COWS -Matthias Varga

Image

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Quatermass » Thu Feb 20, 2014 4:39 am

Here's one that I heard from TV Tropes.

*ahem*

Did you hear about the Hipster who scalded his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool!


:lol:

And another one from the same source.

*Knock knock*

Who's there?

The.

The who?

YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!


And finally, from the same source, one for the mathematicians in the audience...

The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and really finds her to be quite an 'interesting' person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say?

"With you? Get real."


*rimshot*
"What have you been doing since you stole that antique TARDIS of yours, since you first landed on Skaro? Shouting 'Look at me!!! I'm not fighting a war!', while you battle the Daleks all the way through space and time."

-the Master
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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Thu Feb 20, 2014 8:40 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Wow! Mathematical joke!
The Cow Economy ones are great!
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:06 pm

You should try for physics jokes....

If I can remember it correctly one goes something like this:

A geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist are asked by a rich arab sheik to find out if his race horses can be made to go faster.

After some time, they are summoned to see the sheik again
The geneticist reports that after a lot of work researching the blood lines of the horses he has found they are the fastest they can be.

The physiologist reports that after a lot of research, he has come to the conclusion that the horses are physiologically unable to run any faster.

The physicist reports that after a lot of thinking (he's a theoretical physicist!) he has come to the conclusion that yes, the
horses can be made to go faster.

"Well?" says the sheik?

"First you take a spherical horse running in a vacuum...."
Huge Neuroid

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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Thu Feb 20, 2014 6:15 pm

They would never admit to asking a pharmacist :whistle:
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelanCello » Thu Feb 20, 2014 6:30 pm

:lol: :clap: to SJ and the cows (this could be the name of your band!)
Listen.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Thu Feb 20, 2014 11:00 pm

michelanCello wrote::lol: :clap: to SJ and the cows (this could be the name of your band!)


Ha! You play that game too?

One of my patients last night; Broken Leg Floyd & The Backslabs :D .

It's the little things, ya know?
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Quatermass » Thu Feb 20, 2014 11:20 pm

hnorwood wrote:You should try for physics jokes....


Okay, you asked for it (again, from TV Tropes)...

Two atoms are walking down the street.
One says "Wait, stop! I dropped an electron!"
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first one says "Yeah, I'm positive!"


:lol:

And another one...which I don't get. I know of Planck's constant, but...

What did the elephant do when it sat on Planck's constant?
It broke the h-bar!


:|

And now for one everyone can enjoy!

As you all know, children tend to associate colors with flavors, thanks to artificially flavored candy. A first grade teacher brought a bag of colorless honey-flavored candies to school, and no child could figure out what the flavor was. Teachers says, "I'll give you a hint, it's something your mommy may call your daddy sometimes." A little girl looks shocked and screams, "My God, they're a**holes!"


:lol:
"What have you been doing since you stole that antique TARDIS of yours, since you first landed on Skaro? Shouting 'Look at me!!! I'm not fighting a war!', while you battle the Daleks all the way through space and time."

-the Master
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelanCello » Thu Feb 20, 2014 11:40 pm

Sister Jennifer wrote:
michelanCello wrote::lol: :clap: to SJ and the cows (this could be the name of your band!)


Ha! You play that game too?

One of my patients last night; Broken Leg Floyd & The Backslabs :D .

It's the little things, ya know?

:lol: :lol: although a broken leg probably isn't all that funny... not unless you can get your plaster signed by all your friends who don't care that EVERYONE can see what they write or draw on it and that there's no way you can hide it from, say, your boss... :shifty:
Listen.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Fri Feb 21, 2014 6:25 pm

How about particle physics jokes

What’s a quark? The noise made by a well-bred duck.


A neutron walks into a bar. ‘I’d like a beer,’ he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ‘How much will that be?’ asks the neutron. ‘For you?’ replies the bartender. ‘No charge.’
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Feb 21, 2014 6:40 pm

:lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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