Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Dec 20, 2013 11:20 pm

I HAVE QUESTION’S

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Sat Dec 21, 2013 7:45 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Good start to a Saturday morning! Ta Dug :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Sat Dec 21, 2013 10:59 am

Very good Dug :D
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Sat Dec 21, 2013 1:15 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
11
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Re: Jokes

Postby Jack Remillard » Mon Dec 23, 2013 4:55 pm

:lol:

I can answer some of them though
:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Tue Jan 07, 2014 12:29 pm

This is getting boring....
[Later] Just in case you're wondering my comment was related to a post that has now been removed...
Huge Neuroid

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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Tue Jan 07, 2014 3:16 pm

hnorwood wrote:This is getting boring....

That would be the spammer you mean, H .....I'm guessing.........NOT Dug's jokes :lol: :lol:
(He is very sensitive you know.....but usually hides it well, the brave little soldier :mrgreen: )
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Jan 07, 2014 6:21 pm

SSSssseeeesssthhhh!!! :shhh: :roll:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Jan 08, 2014 9:57 am

5 men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr. Moyes and Mr. Martínez.

The first round of drinks was on Mourinho. He bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others. The second round was on Martínez. He bought everybody a San Miguel. The third round was on Wenger. He bought everybody a glass of red wine.

The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint for the guys, except for Moyes.

Mr. Moyes said; "Hey, what about my pint?"

Rodgers looked at him and said: "Sorry David, this is the fourth round, and you're not in it".


:lol:
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The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Wed Jan 08, 2014 10:38 am

Love it :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Jan 08, 2014 10:53 am

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Wed Jan 08, 2014 5:53 pm

and it was the swans that knocked them out :lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Jan 08, 2014 6:00 pm

I take that's a football joke. :?
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Jan 08, 2014 7:22 pm

Who's Wee Dug wrote:I take that's a football joke. :?


Yes it's Manchester United :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Wed Jan 08, 2014 7:48 pm

i heard the boys talk about it in work, thats pretty much the only reason i know about it :lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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