Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Dec 11, 2013 10:43 pm

Seasonal joke.Who do baby Sharks get their Chrissy presents from, Santa Jaws. :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Dec 12, 2013 10:12 am

Room. Go. Now. ------>
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Dec 12, 2013 7:37 pm

Awe!! yur jist a scunner :P :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelanCello » Fri Dec 13, 2013 1:21 pm

There was a survey with the question: how long do you think that it takes to learn Chinese?
First they asked an elderly lady somewhere in the countryside.
'My dear, I don't think even a lifetime would be enough!'
Then they interrogated a grocer.
'Hm... I'd say about 10 years should be enough.'
The also wanted to know the opinion of a businessman.
'Ow, with an intensive language course, it should be doable in about 4-5 months.'

So they asked a student.

'Why?! Are we having an exam tomorrow???!'


(Hm, it sounds better in Hungarian and definitely better when my friend is telling it :lol: )
Listen.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat Dec 14, 2013 4:23 pm

:lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Dec 16, 2013 4:32 pm

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Dec 16, 2013 4:35 pm

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives, when he realized that the one thing he had never taught them, was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock.

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,”My bike."
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Mon Dec 16, 2013 5:31 pm

I received this some time ago from a friend living in Canada - the current state of the "Weather" thread brought it to mind:
(BTW it's in F)

An annotated thermometer

60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)

50 - Miami residents turn on the heat

40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming

35 - Italian cars don't start

32 - Water freezes

30 - You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start. Your boogers freeze
25 - Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. canadians go swimming

20 - You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 - French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 - Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 - You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start

0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate

-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist

-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start

-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't start

-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 - Congressional hot air freeze. Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south
Huge Neuroid

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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Mon Dec 16, 2013 9:35 pm

:laughing-rolling:
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Dec 17, 2013 12:23 pm

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."

"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says,

"Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated

all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Dec 17, 2013 12:52 pm

:clap: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Dec 17, 2013 1:00 pm

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Tue Dec 17, 2013 10:38 pm

:shock: :shock: :shock:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Dec 18, 2013 12:31 am

Bouncy Castle wrote:I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Or BLOCKAGE for 68 points. :lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Dec 18, 2013 9:55 am

:clap:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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