Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Sun Oct 20, 2013 7:27 pm

Following Catch-up's lovely photos in the "year in pictures" thread, I thought it was time to resurrect the old chestnut:

What's the difference between a bison and a buffalo?




You can't wash your hands in a buffalo


[runs for cover]
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Oct 21, 2013 1:00 pm

:doh:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Tue Oct 22, 2013 5:25 am

Glad I resisted posting that one :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Will of Lancre » Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:48 pm

Heehee, I haven't thought of that one for ages. Thanks!
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Thu Oct 24, 2013 11:38 am

Who's Wee Dug wrote:A photon walked into a bar and asked for a beer. 'Are you sure?' Asked the barman. 'I'm positive.

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

Feegled these for twitter and won a signed book . Cheers Dug :D
'There is no future for e-books, because they are not books. E-books smell like burned fuel.'
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Oct 25, 2013 12:37 pm

You're welcome pip! what was the book. :?:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Fri Oct 25, 2013 1:01 pm

Swords of Good Men by Snorri Kristjans's . Heard good things about it. Epic fantasy with a Viking style.
'There is no future for e-books, because they are not books. E-books smell like burned fuel.'
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Fri Oct 25, 2013 7:56 pm

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there? -a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, don't wear an expensive new dress."
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Fri Oct 25, 2013 11:41 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat Oct 26, 2013 9:25 pm

…..The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit in the face with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
:mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:47 am

:lol:
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby janet » Sun Oct 27, 2013 9:07 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:52 pm

:crying-pink: :crying-pink: :crying-pink:
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Fri Nov 01, 2013 9:06 pm

Penfold's latest photos caused a brief rush of blood to my brain...

What's the difference between moorhens and coots?

Moorhens are small water birds with dark plumage and distinctive red bills

Spoiler: show
Coots are where the Queen banks!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Sat Nov 02, 2013 1:28 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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