Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:45 pm

Bumper Stickers

1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honour student.
17) Earth first...we’ll mind the other planets later.
18) I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes
39) I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You’ll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles
42) If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you’re an a##hole.
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:47 pm

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.


One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, “Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said the fine example of southern womanhood, “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no,” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did !”

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, “Ahhh … mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in !

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, What the hell have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them, you don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time..”
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Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:52 pm

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
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Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:56 pm

I told my mate,
"I'm going to start a religion that I will say was founded hundreds of years ago,
I’m going to make up rules to suit me and write a wholly unbelievable book about it."
"What a load of sh*t", he said, "I don't believe it."
"That's blasphemy", I replied.

What's the difference between a wife and a crossword?
You can normally work out what you have done wrong with a crossword.

Words of Wisdom from Kids
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8 '
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Mon Aug 26, 2013 8:07 pm

Good ones Joolz :lol: :lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Conforumist » Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:58 pm

Joolz wrote:Bumper Stickers

1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honour student.
17) Earth first...we’ll mind the other planets later.
18) I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes
39) I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You’ll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles
42) If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you’re an a##hole.


These are excellent!

37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
ROTHFLMAO :lol:
The greatest things in life are not things.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Tue Aug 27, 2013 12:14 am

You're on a roll, Joolz.

35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Every damn day.
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:25 pm

excellent joolz :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Re: Jokes

Postby hnorwood » Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:26 pm

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets. "
Huge Neuroid

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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:50 pm

Two women enjoying a cocktail on a cruise ship
"This is our first cruise, my husband booked it for our wedding anniversary"
" Oh this is our tenth cruise, but then my husband works for Cunard"

"My husband works all hours too But I don't feel the need to swear about it!!!"
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:59 pm

Punography
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
--------------------------
Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footie's on
And fetch another beer..
------------------------
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:02 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:38 am

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:29 am

That's so romantic! *Sniff* :romance-admire:
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:04 am

This made me LOL.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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