Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Aug 01, 2013 2:46 pm

A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank ya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

She answered: 'Don't be flattered . . . take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Thu Aug 01, 2013 4:51 pm

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rollingred:
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:48 pm

:lol: :lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:38 pm

Joke or maybe not.
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 to Amazon. His cost of production is $80. Amazon turn it into paper and sell it to Google for $150 who then sell it on to Starbucks for $250 for cups. Who is the only one to pay tax?
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:23 pm

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now."


"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.

My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them s**t in my eye."


"You’re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird s**t."


"It was my first day with the hook."
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Watchman44 » Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:41 pm

Saw absolutely disgusting behavior on the beach front at Exmouth yesterday. I saw a man & a woman having an argument over a baby in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him & began assaulting the copper & his wife!............

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages!!
Who watches the watchman.......
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:48 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Aug 06, 2013 8:52 pm

@Watchman :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Aug 07, 2013 6:35 am

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:35 am

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good
news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that ... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby raisindot » Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:46 pm

Watchman44 wrote:Saw absolutely disgusting behavior on the beach front at Exmouth yesterday. I saw a man & a woman having an argument over a baby in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him & began assaulting the copper & his wife!............

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages!!


That's the UK equivalent of the US "Aristocrats" joke..... :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Aug 15, 2013 8:02 pm

raisindot wrote:
Watchman44 wrote:Saw absolutely disgusting behavior on the beach front at Exmouth yesterday. I saw a man & a woman having an argument over a baby in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head & it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl & someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own & took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him & began assaulting the copper & his wife!............

Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages!!


That's the UK equivalent of the US "Aristocrats" joke..... :D


It's the Kids Punch & Judy show, I loved that when I was young (Monty Python for Kids, that's the way to do it) love it. :lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Watchman44 » Fri Aug 16, 2013 5:13 pm

feegled from a facebook friend........

At dawn the telephone rings,

> "Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
>
> "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
>
> "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
>
> "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
>
> "Si, Señor, that's the one."
>
> "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
>
> "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
>
> "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
>
> "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
>
> "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
>
> "The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
>
> "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
>
> "Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
>
> "Are you insane? What water cart?"
>
> "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
>
> "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
>
> "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
>
> "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
>
> "Yes, Señor Roy."
>
> "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
>
> "For the funeral, Señor Roy."
>
> "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
>
> "Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I
> thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
>
> SILENCE...........
>
> LONG SILENCE.........
>
> VERY LONG SILENCE…………;

EVEN LONGER SILENCE.......
>
> "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
>
Who watches the watchman.......
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Wed Aug 21, 2013 4:28 pm

From Sue Perkins' Twitter page:

Jimmy Hill's wife was often referred to as a chinwag.
:lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Sun Aug 25, 2013 9:45 pm

This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.'


Smile - life is too short not to!!

If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile

Keep spreading the Cheer.

See you at the river!

Bring your own glass!
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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