Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Sun Jul 07, 2013 7:44 am

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Jul 07, 2013 11:46 am

A photon walked into a bar and asked for a beer. 'Are you sure?' Asked the barman. 'I'm positive.

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

After weeks of floating adrift in a tiny boat, two men are forlornly watching the sea for signs of a ship.

All of a sudden, a huge hand - at least 10 metres across - emerges from the water near the boat.

It leans all the way over to the left, then all the way over to the right, before slipping silently back beneath the surface.

The men look at each other. ''Blimey!'' says one. ''Did you see the size of that wave?''
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Tue Jul 09, 2013 5:37 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:13 am

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:11 am

Mel decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon he was organizing his Motorbike gear.

His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks,
“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married
I think it's time you quit motorbikes.
Maybe you should sell your bike,helmet and leathers.”

Mel gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what's wrong?”

He says, “For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn't know you were married before!”

He replied, “I wasn't.”
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:14 am

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before
End'
---

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said
'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

---
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
---
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You
don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the
custard.'
---
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'
He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

---
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in
there..
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:23 am

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'.

He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'



:clap:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:33 pm

Joolz wrote:Mel decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon he was organizing his Motorbike gear.

His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks,
“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married
I think it's time you quit motorbikes.
Maybe you should sell your bike,helmet and leathers.”

Mel gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what's wrong?”

He says, “For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn't know you were married before!”

He replied, “I wasn't.”

:lol: :lol: Image
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Jul 12, 2013 10:31 am

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t' want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.' The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Jul 12, 2013 10:44 am

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs them, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Fri Jul 12, 2013 3:39 pm

A note from Little Johnny:

Image
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:52 pm

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner because he had a square bum.

Q. What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas?

A. Your head.

Q. What's big and white and swings through the jungle?

A. Tarzan the fridge.

Q. What's big and white and blue and swings through the jungle?

A. Tarzan the fridge wearing a Wrangler jacket.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:05 am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Jul 18, 2013 10:52 pm

Image
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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