Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Quatermass » Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:36 am

Joolz wrote:I so hope this is true...
These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)


Oh, I love it! :lol: :lol: :lol:
All you need to understand
Is everything you know is wrong!


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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jul 02, 2013 3:39 pm

Skeleton walks into a pub.

Barman: What can I get you, sir?
Skeleton: A pint of lager and a mop.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Watchman44 » Tue Jul 02, 2013 5:52 pm

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family.

The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining consciousness, she asks again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly. What is your occupation?"

Again the girl says, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughs, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!" ;)
Who watches the watchman.......
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Jul 03, 2013 3:03 pm

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Jul 03, 2013 4:37 pm

A pirates favourite coffee... Laaarrrrrtte
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:25 am

:doh:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:31 am

what's a Pirates favourite letter
Waxing is not a cure for lycanthropy
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Jul 04, 2013 9:08 am

R
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Jul 04, 2013 9:11 am

wrong his first love be the c
Waxing is not a cure for lycanthropy
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jul 04, 2013 10:04 am

A little rude for our younger members, but LOL funny!!

Spoiler: show
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!".

This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed. "
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Jul 04, 2013 10:05 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Jul 04, 2013 12:08 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Thu Jul 04, 2013 4:54 pm

:lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat Jul 06, 2013 8:15 pm

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Sun Jul 07, 2013 5:29 am

:lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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