Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:12 am

:lol:
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Square12 » Sat Jun 22, 2013 10:40 pm

jaznbonnie wrote:
Bouncy Castle wrote:Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".


He must have been from Boston. ;) :whistle:


Does that mean Bostonians know how to pronounce English the correct way? ;)
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:13 pm

Square12 wrote:
jaznbonnie wrote:
Bouncy Castle wrote:Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".


He must have been from Boston. ;) :whistle:


Does that mean Bostonians know how to pronounce English the correct way? ;)


Only if "correct" means the "R" at the end of a word should be silent like the "E" in "Olde" and "Shoppe"? :think: ;)
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby RSoak » Mon Jun 24, 2013 3:39 am

A young lady wearing a very short and tight skirt was attempting to board the bus. Finding she couldn't lift her leg high enough, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little.

She tried again, but still found the skirt to restrictive. Her second try was equally unsuccessful so she tried unzipping the skirt just a little more.

Just then a tall Texan behind her grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up on to the bus.

Enraged, she turned on him, "How dare you! We don't even know each other!"

He tipped his hat and said, "Yes ma'am...but after you undid my fly three times, I figured we was friends."
It's not who you know, it's who I know. - Dad

The enemy of good is perfect. - Mom
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Jun 24, 2013 8:58 am

The nurse looked at the patient and said, "I've never seen this before. I'm bringing in the doctor."

The doctor said, "I've never seen anything like this before. I'm showing you to the specialist."

The specialist said, "My god, I've never seen the like!"
"What is it, something serious?" asked the patient.

"Not really, it's just that we've never treated a ginger in our STD clinic before."
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Jun 24, 2013 3:14 pm

I so hope this is true...
These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ....
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery in to Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking

__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
----------------------
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Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Jun 24, 2013 3:46 pm

:lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby raisindot » Mon Jun 24, 2013 3:56 pm

Square12 wrote:
jaznbonnie wrote:
Bouncy Castle wrote:Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".


He must have been from Boston. ;) :whistle:


Does that mean Bostonians know how to pronounce English the correct way? ;)


Av cahss we do! :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Jun 24, 2013 6:16 pm

I sat in the dentist waiting area for six hours today.

Then they told me the opticians was next door
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Mon Jun 24, 2013 6:24 pm

:lol:
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Jun 25, 2013 10:54 am

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was David and I played rugby for Wales . . .'
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Tue Jun 25, 2013 2:21 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat Jun 29, 2013 6:15 pm

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.


She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the baby-sitter's teeth."
:mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:19 am

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, ‘Your barracks door is open.’
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, ‘Your fly is open.’ He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’ He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said...

‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby RSoak » Mon Jul 01, 2013 4:29 am

A woman is looking at herself naked in a full length mirror, feeling very dissatisfied.

"I'm overweight, my boobs are sagging, and my butt is droopy. Give me a compliment!"

"Well," he replies looking her up and down, "...your eyesight is perfect."
It's not who you know, it's who I know. - Dad

The enemy of good is perfect. - Mom
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