Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Jun 19, 2013 8:40 pm

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. ~Oscar Levant

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not. ~Brendan Behan

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy! ~Frank Sinatra

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.~Winston Churchill

Dear Alcohol, we had a deal, you were going to make me funnier, sexier, more intelligent and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk. -Anonymous

I would date you, but my heart already belongs to Johnny Walker. -Anonymous

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver. -Anonymous

You look like I need another drink! -Anonymous

Alcohol does not solve problems, but then again, neither does milk. -Anonymous

I say NO to alcohol, but it just doesn't listen!!

Cheers !!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Jun 19, 2013 8:45 pm

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Jun 19, 2013 8:47 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Jun 19, 2013 9:49 pm

:mrgreen: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Thu Jun 20, 2013 8:13 am

Very good :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:06 am

There I was sitting at a long red traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-British slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Agbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler lorry came speeding through the crossing and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell...that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a lorry driver.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Jun 20, 2013 11:43 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Thu Jun 20, 2013 2:31 pm

'My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Thu Jun 20, 2013 2:35 pm

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith "
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jun 20, 2013 2:53 pm

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Thu Jun 20, 2013 2:54 pm

Nooo. That was just bad.
'There is no future for e-books, because they are not books. E-books smell like burned fuel.'
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jun 20, 2013 2:57 pm

This on the other hand, is bloody clever.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange and our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw and the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife, she gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight used a sword in a fight
That's Sa...mur...ai.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Jun 20, 2013 3:03 pm

A pastor walks up to a little 6 year old boy and asks him how to get to the Post Office.

The boy replies "That is simple. Walk down the street two blocks. Make a left and your there."

The pastor says "Thank you little boy. And to show you my appreciation I want to invite you and your family to join me this Sunday at Church. So I can show you the way to God. "

The boy replies, "How can you do that ? You can't even find the bloody post office."
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Jun 21, 2013 9:27 pm

Image

Happy Friday! Which means nothing to me, I'm a **kin cat.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Sat Jun 22, 2013 1:49 am

Bouncy Castle wrote:Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".


He must have been from Boston. ;) :whistle:
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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