Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Square12 » Mon Apr 22, 2013 9:12 pm

Teacher in Saint Patrick's Primary School in Belfast is talking about jobs they want to do when they're older:

Johnny "I want to play football, and 'cos my da's from south of the border I'll play for the Republic and score the winning goal in the World Cup!"

Teacher "Very good son, just remember to remain modest."

Seamus "I want to become a priest like my uncle Liam."

Teacher "very good son, maybe one day ill be calling you father instead."

Mary "I want to become a prostitute."

Teacher "WHATTTTT!!!, what did you say?"

Mary a bit nervously now " I - I - I want to be-become a prostitue."

Teacher "merciful mother, I thought you said a Protestant!"
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Square12 » Mon Apr 22, 2013 9:30 pm

Teacher from Southampton at a school in London is asking the children about what football team they support and why.
Boy 1 "Arsenal, because I was born near Highbury!"
Boy2 "Well I suppose Chelsea, because blue is my favourite colour."
Teacher "Okaaay."
Boy3 "Well my dad's a Portsmouth fan and my m&m's a Portsmouth fan, so I'm a Portsmouth fan too!
Teacher a bit out to hear that one of his pupils is a dreaded skate (what Southampton fans call Portsmouth fans/residents) says " so if your dad was an alcoholic and your mother a drug addict would you become an alcoholic drug addict?"
Boy 3 replies
Spoiler: show
"No sir, in that case I'd be a Scummer (name Portsmouth fans give Southampton fans/residents) sir!
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:38 pm

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library he sees a girl sitting by herself and asks, "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replies with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library start staring at the guy. Being embarrassed, he moves to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy's table and says with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I can tell what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library now look at the girl in shock. Then the guy whispers in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Apr 25, 2013 10:44 pm

:lol: good one :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:11 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: Loved that one Ghost. :D
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby ChristianBecker » Fri Apr 26, 2013 4:48 am

Indeed!
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:55 am

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.

"Oh, that's just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "My boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"

The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Del » Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:24 pm

I am reading a book about anti-gravity. Its impossible to put down.
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:26 pm

Is it uplifting reading?
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:29 pm

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message for ya."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Apr 26, 2013 2:36 pm

:lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Sat Apr 27, 2013 2:41 pm

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Ashes Cricket series this year"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sat Apr 27, 2013 2:49 pm

:mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Apr 29, 2013 9:37 am

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick. He's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ...'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?

… and after a minute....

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

…More heavy breathing…

…and another minute later.....

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Mon Apr 29, 2013 12:41 pm

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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