Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Square12 » Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:59 pm

I'll take that as a compliment
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Fri Apr 12, 2013 1:09 am

You can't have everything. where would you put it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sandman » Fri Apr 12, 2013 8:16 am

A man walks into a bar, followed by his blonde girlfriend.

---

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

---

A snail slimes into a bar on New Year's, and asks for a pint.
The barman says, "I don't serve snails, get the hell out of here!" and, picking him up by the shell, chucks him out the window.

The following New Year the snail comes back again, and says, "Why'd you do that?"

---

A rich kid decides to commit suicide, by jumping off a cliff, but decides against it at the last second.
"Never Mind" said the cliff rich kid.
Drinkin', fightin', and snaflin' coobeastie
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:25 pm

Here's one for the foot-the-ball fans;

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
10
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:11 am

Somebody was very quick :lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Apr 22, 2013 10:30 am

One for Con:

After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will again receive a tax refund. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:

Q. What is a tax refund payment?
A. It’s money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea..
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only “truly” Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Square12 » Mon Apr 22, 2013 11:11 am

What happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants?
Spoiler: show
None of the offspring survived!


What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Spoiler: show
great big holes all over Australia


What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
Spoiler: show
wooly jumpers


What's a sheep's favourite snack?
Spoiler: show
mars baaaas


What's a cat's favourite snack?
Spoiler: show
mice cream


How do you know when it's been raining cats and dogs?
Spoiler: show
you step in a poodle


And finally a dog is walking past a police station and sees a help wanted sign:
"Successful candidates must have a typing speed of 50 wpm, pass a basic fitness test, and be bilingual!"
So the dog pulls down the ad and drops it on the desk, obviously the desk officer starts laughing, but he's had a quiet day so decides to have a laugh and takes the dog to the gym to reveal an obstacle course, "complete this course in under 3minutes." The dog does it in 2, "ok says the officer but how are you going to do the typing?" The dog walks back into the main office and over to the nearest desk, picks up a pen in its mouth and proceeds to start typing at a speed of 75wpm! "Wow says the officer, unfortunately the position requires someone who is bilingual."
Spoiler: show
meow says the dog
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Mon Apr 22, 2013 11:13 am

bouncy, sadly, change only a few words and that applies to america as well.
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Mon Apr 22, 2013 11:41 am

raptornx01 wrote:bouncy, sadly, change only a few words and that applies to america as well.

And Britain. :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:49 pm

How to get to Heaven from Scotland

A Preacher was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

He asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now He was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

He was just bursting with pride for them.

He continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be fukin' deid".
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:51 pm

:clap: :clap: :D
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Apr 22, 2013 2:25 pm

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.

There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What........ you're coming empty handed?"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Apr 22, 2013 3:49 pm

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher gives the students homework: think of a story and then tell the moral of that story.

The next day Johnny tells his story:

"My dad fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer.

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun. But he ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. But the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher, stunned with shock at the story, asks Johnny what could possibly be the moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking."
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Del » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:53 pm

Image
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes

Postby Del » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:54 pm

Image
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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