Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby spideyGirl » Wed Apr 10, 2013 5:30 pm

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby wicked woman » Wed Apr 10, 2013 7:58 pm

:lol:
Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit. Gravity is easy-peasy by comparison.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Apr 10, 2013 8:26 pm

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:31 pm

@ Mad :mrgreen: :lol:


"When you're over Sixty, Who gives a shit." !


This arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Tooheys or VB." ?
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said: "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
[ this was not me scotsjohn

]
I said: "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then, try."


After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said: "Come on, what day was I born." ?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely,! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***********
"On Safari with the Mother-in-law."
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do," ? his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby spideyGirl » Thu Apr 11, 2013 6:10 am

:roll: :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:31 am

:lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:51 am

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major ...found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need tochill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him toa private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby RSoak » Thu Apr 11, 2013 4:21 pm

A well known cartoonist was found dead at his home today - details are sketchy.
It's not who you know, it's who I know. - Dad

The enemy of good is perfect. - Mom
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Re: Jokes

Postby Kin Arad » Thu Apr 11, 2013 4:56 pm

:roll: :lol:
“Wouldn’t that unplug your heating pad?”
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Re: Jokes

Postby spideyGirl » Thu Apr 11, 2013 6:27 pm

what lies in a pram and wobbles?



a jelly baby :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby Square12 » Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:58 pm

Ice cream van driver killed: police are worried apparently they have hundreds and thousands of suspects.

Wig transport lorry crashed on the m25 police are combing the area for the cause

News just in police have discovered 99 suspects in the ice cream van driver murder are too flakey

A couple of years ago my family were sat round the table after dinner and in walks in the owner of apple. He went into the kitchen, looked under the sink and nicked all our mr sheen! Bloody Jobbs, coming over and taking all our polish!

The police are no longer pursuing enquiries in the ice cream van driver murder! Turns out he topped himself!
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man my son.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:22 pm

anybody else reading that in the voice of the two Ronnies
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:35 pm

Since you mentioned it Ghost then the answer is yes

and it's goodnight from me.....
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:38 pm

...and it's goodnight from him
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby Del » Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:40 pm

........ and its goodnight from him!


:lol: :lol: :lol: Some bloody good jokes here guys and girls!
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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