"When you're over Sixty, Who gives a shit." !
This arsehole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Tooheys or VB." ?
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said: "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
[ this was not me scotsjohn
I said: "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then, try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said: "Come on, what day was I born." ?
I said, “Yesterday."
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely,! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
"On Safari with the Mother-in-law."
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.
"What are we going to do," ? his horrified wife asked.
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.