Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby ChristianBecker » Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:26 am

cheery_j. wrote:There's a difference between 'dongle ....giggle' and 'hey babe, wanna see my super-dongle'.

There is. I hate making suggestive remarks myself and find males who do it annoying in the extreme. But apparently they didn't address the woman nor talk about the woman, but about some piece of equipment.

Well, now for a joke:

Mathematicians have found a number so small, that, if you divide it by two, it becomes negative.
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Mar 26, 2013 12:08 pm

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelanCello » Tue Mar 26, 2013 2:45 pm

:D
Listen.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:21 pm

Image
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Wed Mar 27, 2013 2:48 am

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Wed Mar 27, 2013 6:10 pm

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:26 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Regretably it's oh so true
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby cheery_j. » Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:30 pm

I think I can understand your science talk, Bonnie, but why did you post it in the jokes thread? ;)
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Re: Jokes

Postby wicked woman » Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:21 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit. Gravity is easy-peasy by comparison.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Thu Mar 28, 2013 1:27 am

cheery_j. wrote:I think I can understand your science talk, Bonnie, but why did you post it in the jokes thread? ;)


I'm blaming it on the Administratium. ;) :lol:
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby ChristianBecker » Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:57 am

Very good @ Administratium! :D
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:51 pm

Bouncy Castle wrote:Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"


Good one Bouncy :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Mar 28, 2013 3:22 pm

A flood wipes out an entire town, making the only survivors having to take refuge on the roofs of a local church, one of which was the local priest.
Eventually, a rescue team comes by boat, and orders all the survivors to get on. All do so happily, except for the priest.
“God is my only saviour, and He will be the one to come save me!” He chants.
The rescuers try their best to convince him to get on the boat, but he doesn’t budge. Eventually they abandon the priest on the church rooftop.
Then, a second rescue boat comes to do another check of any survivors, and sure enough, they find the priest reciting the bible, praying for God to rescue him.
Again, they try to convince him to come with them, and again he answers, “God is my only saviour, and He will be the one to come save me!”
They try and try, but he refuses. Eventually, they again abandon him on the roof.
Then one last boat arrives after a few hours, and again, for the last time, they try to convince the priest to come on the lifeboat. And again, he refuses, “God is my only saviour, and He will be the one to come save me!”
They end up having to abandon the priest, and no more lifeboats come. Eventually, he dies after one week on the rooftop.
At heaven’s gate, he asks the angels, “I was praying to God to come save me! Why did you let me die?!”
“We sent not one, not two, but three damn lifeboats to come save you, but you refused all of them!”
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Thu Mar 28, 2013 3:38 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Watchman44 » Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:55 pm

One evening, Roberta came home to find a note from her husband lying on the kitchen table. It read...

My dearest wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year old secretary at the Premier Inn.
Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.

Just after midnight, Timothy returned home, went to the kitchen for a late cup of tea and found a note from his wife propped up against the kettle. It read...

My dearest husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Britannia Hotel with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18.
As a successful accountant and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot
more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow !
Who watches the watchman.......
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC
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