Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Mon Mar 11, 2013 7:01 am

Who's Wee Dug wrote:Slight adult content. :mrgreen:

http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf


I think i'm in love :romance-adore: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:36 pm

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:40 pm

Image :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Tue Mar 12, 2013 12:39 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.


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Re: Jokes

Postby Sister Jennifer » Tue Mar 12, 2013 1:19 am

^ Good one.

What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer.
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Tue Mar 12, 2013 6:59 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:27 am

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive s."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Waxing is not a cure for lycanthropy
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol: I'll get you Coat :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:32 am

While walking down the street, a business man sees a dog walking down the road with a bag in his mouth. Interested in where the dog was going he followed the dog to the local store. There the dog went straight to the teller, and placed the bag in the teller's hand. He then handed him a grocery bag with a envelope. the man watches all this with wonder as the dog bites and holds the bag and note in its mouth while he walks out the store.

The businessman follows the dog out as the puppy heads straight to the bus. The bus comes and the dog waits, two more bus come and go before the dog finally gets on a bus. The man follows the dog on the bus and they travel with the bus all the way until the second to last stop. the dog gets off and the man follows, the dog walks down one street and another until finally he finds a house.

The man watches quietly as the dog walks up the lawn to the porch and starts scratching the door. the puppy puts his bag down. barks and trots over to the window and scratches some more. Finally the dog walk away, to the other end of the lawn and charges the door full speed. With all the force he has the dog slams his body against the door hard making the door shake. The dog gets up and shakes himself off and trots back to the end of the lawn again, charges full speed and BAM hits the door hard.

While walking back to do it again a man in a robe opens the door, the dog turns around quick and his tail wagged hard back and forth while he ran back to the porch to greet this new guy. the man in the robe starts to beat the dog repeatedly, hitting the puppy hard making him yelp.

Finally the business man runs to the scene and yells at the man in the robe, "What the hell are you doing?! This dog is the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!."

The man replies, "Smart my ass, this is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Waxing is not a cure for lycanthropy
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Tue Mar 12, 2013 2:23 pm

:lol: :lol: not bad, they're getting better....just :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Tue Mar 12, 2013 2:30 pm

What do you call an elephant that no one needs?

Irrelephant.
Waxing is not a cure for lycanthropy
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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Tue Mar 12, 2013 4:58 pm

:lol:

Although I'm wondering how someone could not need an elephant. So many uses!
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes

Postby raptornx01 » Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:20 pm

If Granny Weatherwax grew up at the beach would she be a sand witch?
"The reason an author needs to know the rules of grammar isn't so he or she never breaks them, but so the author knows how to break them."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:13 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:33 am

Image
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