Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:29 am

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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:51 am

And, you can't get gravy! Tut, foreigners and their funny ways.
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes

Postby ChristianBecker » Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:25 am

Just posting because Ghost's facepalmicon is so small.
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:23 pm

Travel broadens the mind. :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:42 pm

the trouble with travelling is too many of them foreigners :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:44 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Having been on the receiving end of British holidaymakers abroad, I can relate very much to those 'complaints'.

On a similar theme, I got these quiz show snippets from another forum. I cannot vouch for their accuracy but they do ring true. :lol:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester



BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.




BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ...
Richard: He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er . .....
Richard: He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant: Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo DA Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Sun Feb 24, 2013 3:14 pm

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Re: Jokes

Postby michelanCello » Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:50 pm

OK, maybe this is an oldie, but I teach English for a girl, she's preparing for her final exam and this was in an exam task... made me laugh :D

A man was walking along a Hawaiian beach, when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I'll grant you one wish."
The man paused, laughed and replied:
"I've always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes, then said:
"Listen, I'm sorry but I can't do that. Think of all the posts needed to hold up the highway, and how long they need to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the concrete and steel. That's too much to ask."
"Ok," the man said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "Make me understand women then. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? What do they really want? Teach me to understand women's nature."

"Do you want two lanes or four?"

:lol:
Listen.
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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:54 pm

:roll: :roll: :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:46 pm

Did you know the reason why Men Fart more than Women........

Women can't keep their lips closed long enough to build up a pressure.......... :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:53 pm

:lol: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:57 pm

Same reason that more Men Smoke than Women.............Women cant keep their lips together long enough. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:10 pm

-_-
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:12 pm

Sorry, If the truth hurts, so be it...... :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:16 pm

speak for yourself alanz, i dont fart at all :lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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