Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Feb 17, 2013 1:05 pm

:mrgreen: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Watchman44 » Sun Feb 17, 2013 3:18 pm

What is the difference between a Lawyer and an eel?







One is a scum sucking bottom feeder, the other is a type of fish........
Who watches the watchman.......
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Re: Jokes

Postby Del » Mon Feb 18, 2013 5:24 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: @ the goldfish joke.. @ Tony's TWAT joke and :lol: @ Jaz God and the Devil joke....

in fact :lol: @ this thread. Wish I could remember them to pass them on.
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Tue Feb 19, 2013 2:33 am

I'm really good at not remembering the best jokes. It was ingrained in me while I attended parochial school so I would stay out of trouble. Seems the teachers there don't appreciate a twisted sense of humor and those were the funniest jokes. :roll: ;)
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:24 pm

Just used sodium hydroxide to convert cocaine hydrochloride into methylbenzoylecgonine. Just for the crack.
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Re: Jokes

Postby raisindot » Tue Feb 19, 2013 5:13 pm

Since I'm a masochist, I'm pondering trying out a open-mike comedy night. So here are a few jokes I'm considering [no, this in itself is not a joke; it would probably end up in tragedy]

I'm an eco-terrorist. Mother Nature really pisses me off, so I'm committed to shedding as many innocent leaves as possible.

Those forest fires in Wyoming last year? They were mine. In my defense, one you start torching spotted owls with a flamethrower it's kind of hard to stop. It's like eating potato chips...except you have to wait a thousand years to get another bag. I do feel kind of sorry for that forest ranger. And his dog.

It really is a lot of work turning a compulsion for slaughtering woodland creatures into a political cause. My guidance counselor would be so proud.

I guess I am kind of a whack job. A psychiatrist once offered to cure me...if I'd let him out of the basement every now and then. Naaaahhh.

I blame my mother. She always told me never to play with my food. I think she just got tired of bringing dogs home from the shelter.

Remember the 2008 financial meltdown? That was my fault. Ten million accountants and investment bankers in the world and they left the fate of global economy in the hands of a history major. Who still can't do long division. You don't know how many times I wake up at night thinking, "If I had only carried the four, we'd all be tweeting about Cindy McCain's arms today."

I know, I know, don't give up my day job.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Feb 19, 2013 6:25 pm

it would probably end up in tragedy
it's going to be a Greek night then Raisin. :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Tue Feb 19, 2013 10:07 pm

Hey good luck Raisin :D loving the jokes
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Feb 20, 2013 10:38 am

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they had done for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


(wait for it)






She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:58 pm

:roll: :roll:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:02 pm

Image
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:43 am

Did you hear about the red sauce that was chasing the brown sauce?

It couldn't ketchup.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby SimonAtford » Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:17 pm

Del wrote:Image

and on the same note....

Image



Yoink.
Keep calm and prepare to hack!

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Stop...

Carry on!
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Re: Jokes

Postby steeljam » Sat Feb 23, 2013 11:34 pm

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some genuine complaints from their UK clientèle.

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store in Indian villages does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

"The roads were uneven.."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

"We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
...
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:19 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: Ah, the British abroad.
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