Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Feb 14, 2013 1:23 am

@ Penners :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.



Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.


Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.


Sincerely,

D Cameron

Prime Minister
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby swreader » Thu Feb 14, 2013 1:56 am

Every business needs a good name for it's website. But some people apparently didn't think about the URL --

(Travel site) Choose Spain choosespain.com

(Advice columnist) Benjamin Dover bendover.com

(Educational site) Teachers Talking teacherstalking.com

(IT company) IT Scrap itscrap.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Feb 14, 2013 2:23 am

Image :twisted:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:00 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: Sharlene, you forgot penisland.net. ;)


Dug, that story reminds me of something that happened when I worked in the Post Office. The place I worked had an awful boss who annoyed and upset everyone. He eventually realised that people weren't happy but didn't understand that he might be the problem. He came up with an idea of having an open forum once a month to discuss problems and announced there would be a prize for whoever came up with the best name for the group.

We all spent some time coming up with the name that would have the best acronym. One of the girls won with: Team Working And Talking. He totally didn't get it for ages. The girl was presented with two bottles of wine in a presentation case and it was the hardest thing ever for us all to keep straight faces. :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:40 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:40 am

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Feb 14, 2013 12:17 pm

:mrgreen: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Thu Feb 14, 2013 12:30 pm

We once had a manager we called the "Big C", even to his face, which he was very happy with. I don't think anyone ever told him that the 'C' didn't stand for 'Chief'. :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Feb 14, 2013 12:54 pm

@ Penners suttle :mrgreen:

Image
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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Thu Feb 14, 2013 2:41 pm

Tonyblack wrote: One of the girls won with: Team Working And Talking. He totally didn't get it for ages. The girl was presented with two bottles of wine in a presentation case and it was the hardest thing ever for us all to keep straight faces. :lol:

Magic :lol:
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Sat Feb 16, 2013 7:42 pm

Who's Wee Dug wrote:Image :twisted:

:lol: :lol: :lol: Classic
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Sat Feb 16, 2013 7:43 pm

Dotsie wrote:
Tonyblack wrote: One of the girls won with: Team Working And Talking. He totally didn't get it for ages. The girl was presented with two bottles of wine in a presentation case and it was the hardest thing ever for us all to keep straight faces. :lol:

Magic :lol:

I love this one as well... :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Sat Feb 16, 2013 7:53 pm

ahh now I get it sorry dyslexic brian :oops:
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Sun Feb 17, 2013 12:35 am

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby ChristianBecker » Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:28 am

:D :D :D
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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