Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Quatermass » Mon Feb 11, 2013 10:00 am

Ghost wrote:A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


There's another parrot swearing joke that I enjoyed.

A burglar breaks into a home. But as he's searching, he hears a voice saying "I am watching you, and so is Jesus." He is startled, but continues. However, the voice repeats, "I am watching you, and so is Jesus." The burglar, getting creeped out, turns on the light, only to find a parrot in a cage. "I am watching you, and so is Jesus."

"So what?" the burglar asks. "You're just a [EFF!]ing parrot!"

"I may be just a [EFF!]ing parrot," the bird retorts, "but Jesus is a [EFF!]ing Doberman!"

Del wrote:Image


:lol:

Brilliant. I [EFF!]ing hate algebra.
All you need to understand
Is everything you know is wrong!


-Weird Al Yankovic
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Feb 12, 2013 5:18 pm

SLIGHT ADULT CONTENT
The Towel.....
Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age,
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother,
all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty
miles who could be relied upon not to gossip..

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father
would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.
So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners
and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about
two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted,
"And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jaznbonnie » Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:47 pm

Found this blog article on Facebook (SLIGHT ADULT CONTENT):

My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OFIT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Joolz » Wed Feb 13, 2013 12:43 am

Ouch...wine down my nose :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes

Postby chillicamper » Wed Feb 13, 2013 6:44 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Wooden stuff at www.iwoodlovethat.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby Dotsie » Wed Feb 13, 2013 7:06 am

Del's on Facebook?
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes

Postby Tonyblack » Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:53 am

Dotsie wrote:Del's on Facebook?

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:39 am

Del wrote:Image

and on the same note....

Image


Brilliant Del very funny :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Feb 13, 2013 11:07 am

A wife, being the romantic type, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."


He replied:

"I'm taking a s**t. What should I do?"
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Alanz » Wed Feb 13, 2013 11:08 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby chris.ph » Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:26 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:50 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:13 pm

:mrgreen: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:43 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Thu Feb 14, 2013 12:44 am

If World War One was a bar Fight


    • Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint.
    • Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.
    • Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view.
    • Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.
    • Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers.
    • Russia and Serbia look at Austria.
    • Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.
    • Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.
    • Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
    • Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?
    • Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.
    • Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.
    • Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.
    • Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.
    • France and Britain punch Germany.
    • Austria punches Russia.
    • Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.
    • Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over.
    • Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there.
    • Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.
    • Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back.
    • There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.
    • France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
    • Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.
    • Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.
    • America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.
    • By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
8
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