Ankh-Morpork Times (Editor's Desk)

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Postby mspanners » Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:13 pm

For sale, Type face letters O and K cheap to clear price 20 Sqids per Box. Contact Dead Head Ned PO Box 20 Nonsuch St AM or Clax DEADHEADNED@UOL.COM
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Postby Tonyblack » Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:26 pm

Unseen University Press to release Aut-bi-graphy -f Head Librarian!

A self published and printed aut-bi-grathy -f the Head Librarian will sh-rtly be available to purchase fr-m all g--d b--- st-res.

We are unable to print an extract -f the b--- due t- late -f certain letters.
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Postby swreader » Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:13 am

MISSING LETTERS MYSTERIOUSLY RETURNED TO ANKH-MORPORK TIMES

Lady Sybil, Duchess of Ankh-Morpork and Sergeant Angua obtain missing type fonts.

This morning, when staff arrived at the offices of the paper, the editor and staff were astounded and overjoyed to find that all the mising "O" and "K" letters had been returned and replaced in their proper places. Once again, the doors were forced open, but nothing else was disturbed.

Rather the only unusual thing found was a request that the announcement of the Recruiting Meeting for all females wish to BE A WOMAN OF THE WATCH! be run again. The request was signed, by Her Grace, the Duchess of Ankh-Morpork and Sergeant Angua of the City Watch, co-chairs of the Recruiting Drive.

Therefore, The Times wishes to specifically thank Her Grace, the Duchess of Ankh-Morpork and Sergeant Angua of the City Watch for their efforts in obtaining the return of the missing type fonts.

Upon being interviewed by the Editor, the ladies were quite reticient about what part they might have played. They refused to take even a penny of the reward offered, and declined to have their photo taken by The Times intrepid photographer, Otto Chriek. But we can at least print there names in the bold lettering they have made possible.

The two women, who are acting as co-chairs of the forthcoming recruiting meeting for all females of any species to be held at the home of the Duchess in 13 days.

The two intrepid detectives declined to tell the paper how they persuade the dastardly thieves to return their ill-gotten loot, but promised to discuss the case at the recruiting meeting. When asked if there might be a special Detective Division of the City Watch composed of female sleuths, Sgt. Anuga would only say that "It will depend entirely on the quality of the applicants and the wishes of the Commander."
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Postby mspanners » Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:37 am

Notice Letter "O" and "K" no longer available, all purchased by The Guild of Seamstresses.
Other letters can be obtained on request at 20 Sqids per Box. Contact Dead Head Ned PO Box 20 Nonsuch St AM or Clax DEADHEADNED@UOL.COM.
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Postby Bickaxe » Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:19 pm

MAN BREAKS RECORD!!

The record for the most amount of sausage-inna-buns eating contest has been broken.

The Times is horrified to report that yesterday evening, Mr Charlie Splug, 37, of Seven Sleepers broke the record and consumed 4 of what is described as foodstuffs. He managed to keep them down for a full 5 minutes as is part of the guidelines and broke the record of 3 that had been held by Ms Penelope Pipstot, 61, for the past 4 years.

Mr Splug is said to be recovering well and should back on his feet in the next week.
Fiendish til the en-
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Postby mspanners » Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:46 am

As previously reported the Wizards at UU have built a Doughnut Shaped Machine that was designed to crash the smallest parts of matter to find the hidden magical particles that make up the Universe, below is an extract of the prior article...................

We don't know but you can bet that the UU are working on a device to test this idea...an inside man at UU has told us that this device will take the form of a Large Doughnut shaped Ring with Magical Magnets around the outside and powered by Lightning Lemons that will drive small lumps of Matter into a target.

We wait with baited breath on the results of there efforts..................

We can now report to you our loyal readers that because of a bumper crop of lemons from Genua and the drop in price of the lemon due to Genua having been bathed in fine sunlight this Summer, the yield has been up 35 % over last Years crop, the alumni at UU have been able to fund the power up and testing of the device.
A spokesman for the UU, The Wizzard Mr Rincewind told us

"Gods no why the Inadvisably applied Magic Department keep trying to open up Holes in the Fabric of the Universe.
It's ok for them but who ends up at the ass end of the Universe being chased around by gods know what......ME THAT'S WHO.........all I want is a quite uneventful life, is that to much to ask for?
Some multi dimensional monster will pop into existence I know it, and it's me it will be pissed at."

When presses for a more definitive appraisal of the progress at UU the Wizzard Mr Rincewind told us

"Well at the moment the faculty are only running at one fifth power, the lighting lemons are not as acidic as we would have liked but we have had some unexpected results. During the third test last Week the Director of research (Professor P Stibbons) a matter transfer materialisation was observed. When the machine was turned off a musical instrument was found inside the observation chamber.

We, at first, thought that it may have been a Magical one a bit like the one that the Bard owned in the Group The Band With Rocks In had but after placing it in the morphic resonator the only thing we could positively say is the it belongs to a chap called Higgs.

It's owners name was found on a small plaque on the side of the instrument.We asked the Musicians Guild to inspect the instrument and they informed us that it is a Bassoon......."

So if anyone is looking for the Higgs Bassoon please contact The Head Bledlow Mr McAbre at the UU to collect their property.

http://w3.rz-berlin.mpg.de/cmp/inst_bassoon.jpg
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Postby Jinx » Wed Sep 17, 2008 8:56 am

:lol: :lol: Nice one mspanners :lol: :lol:
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Postby chris.ph » Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:28 pm

how the hell did you come up with that mspanners :?: :?: :?: :) :) :)
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Postby Tonyblack » Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:43 pm

Too much time on his hands I think! :wink: :lol:
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Postby chris.ph » Wed Sep 17, 2008 5:46 pm

wot an imagination tho :)
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Postby mspanners » Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:43 pm

Breaking News:-

Today at 4.35 a trading Ship on rout from Ankh to the Brown Islands encountered an extremely large Ice Berg believed to have separated from one of the Glassier's turnwise of the City.

In normal conditions the mass of ice would melt or be driven over the edge by tidal forces but thanks to the freak weather conditions (which some blame on the Wizards of UU for upsetting the Gods by trying to prove things) the Berg has survived.

The Ship sent a messenger pigeon to alert the Tugboat master of Ankh who set sail and captured the Hazard trawing it back to a safe haven a Mile or so outside the city Harbour.

Investigators from UU and the Guild of Alarmists boarded the Berg in search of curios that are sometimes found encased in ice,for example Hairy Elephants, Large Lizards, Metallic flying discs with Little Green men frozen inside which are not uncommon occurrences.
.
However what came as a shock was the discovery of two body's frozen in a block of ice, when the Watch was called to investigate the cause of Death the investigating officer Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson recognised one of the body's as that of Rincewind the Wizzard.

Later the second body was found to that of a Mr Twoflower who was believed to be the Holidaymaker who came to Ankh a number of Years ago and was thought to have returned safely to His Home Country on the Counterweight Continent.

This came as a bigger shock to Wizzard Rincewind, as at this very moment He is fine and living in comfort at the UU.................

The Bodies were recovered to the Watch house at Chittling St. for Igor and Constable Littlebottom to examine,
The bodies were found to be well preserved apart from some injures found on them.

Asked to describe the injuries Mr Igor commented.....

"Aparth thom shum ice burns thee only oththur injurythess thound on thhe Cadavers were conthistent withh a person thalling throm a Great hight.........Masthurr."

Asked to identify the body of Rincewind,The Wizzard Rincewind said...

"Well it looks like me, but a lot younger........I may have died at some point in the past, after all I have been present at the creation and also visited the halls of hell so any thing is possible. The funny thing is I feel fine at the moment. If you want a definitive answer as to where I an alive or dead I would have a word with Death, after all He is the expert in these circumstances.........."

We were going to try to make contact with the Grim Reaper until new evidence surfaced during another search of the rapidly shrinking Berg. A satchel and a few other odd articles were found close to the place the bodies were recovered from.
Working a search pattern Corporal N Nobbs and Sergeant C Colon found evidence that has given Names to the Two Bodies, they are Dr. Rjinswand believed to be the Wizzard Rincewind look a like and Jack Zweiblumen.It appears Dr. Rjinswand is an expert in some sort of Science called The Oxidation of Nuclear Reactors,A Metal called Uranium being mentioned in the scripts, as far as can be translated.

The writings found in the satchel appears to be closely related to Hublandish.

No other items were found on the corpse but Sir Samuel Vimes was reported to have been heard to say that He will shake down Nobby later to recover any coils or rings.......

This, we were informed by the head of alchemy Thomas Silverfish may be related to a device that the missing former alchemist Leonard of Quirm devised to clear mountains and may also be a form of agatean thunder clay.

We were suspicious about the appearance of the alternative Rincewind and Twoflower and the start up of the UU Magical Particle Doughnut accelerating device and asked both Professor P Stibbons and the Head of UU Arch Chancellor Ridcully to comment on this.

P Stibbons said...."The only way that I can see that there can be Two of the same person our Universe is if an alternate copy slips into our Universe, possibly when someone from our universe was transported to their alternate Universe. This will cause an imbalance on the quantum flux and the alternated person would be transferred to our universe in exchange. Now if the original person or persons as in this case was to return to our Universe and the alternated Universe were to collapse before the alternate person or persons were transferred back to their universe then they would have no where to go and would remain here along with the original person or persons as in this case."

Arch Chancellor Ridcully said ..........."What are you talking about Stibbons? Sounds like piffle of the worst kind..............I know how to settle this, I am going to call Death in.........BERSER.........get the dribbly candles ready!! "

The arch chancellor then proceeded to gather the required people and equipment for the summoning Rite of AshkEnte............

"WHO SUMMONS ME AT THIS INCONVENEANT TIME? I WOULD NOT MIND BUT IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU WOULD GIVE ME NOTICE AND NOT JUST DRAG ME AWAY FROM MY TASKS.........." Said Death who stood inside a Hexagram dressed in trousers that were baggy at the Thighs but tightly wrapped inside Tartan socks that reached to where Deaths knee joints were sure to be, and a body warmer with no sleeve. Perched upon His skull was a flat cap, with the same Tartan pattern as the top. Over his shoulder as a larger Leather bag with club handles protruding out.

Ridcully "OH Foul Beast of the Pit I conjure the to ........."

DEATH "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I KNOW THE ROUTINE.....I AM GONIG TO SEE IF I CANT GET THE RITE DISAVOWED. IT IS INTERFERING WITH MY PRIVATE TIME, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT RIDCULLY? ON THE 15TH HOLE AND BEATING WAR BY 4 SHOTS AND THEN THIS...... ITS NOT ON YOU KNOW. I WILL HAVE TO FORFIT THE GAME NOW AS I HAVE LEFT THE COARSE BEFORE COMPLEATING THE ROUND.......DARN IT."

Ridcully "I am So sorry my Lord but it appears that Rincewind is both dead and alive and we would like your view on the matter........."

"NOT SUBSTITUTING WIZZARDS FOR CATS IN BOXS IN YOUR QUANTOM TESTINGS ARE YOU? THATS THE ONLY WAY I CAN SEE SOME BEING ALIVE AND DEAD AT THE SAME TIME......... I SHOULD KNOW." Said Death pulling Rincewind's Timer from a compartment in the club case.

Ridcully "Well somehow we appear to have the two of him, one quite Dead and Frozen Solid and the other having a rest in the infirmary after have the shock of His life at seeing Himself laid out on a Morgue block........Mr Stibbons thinks, if I understand Him correctly that the Dead Rincewind, and also a Dead Twoflower by the way may be alternate versions of our people that were stranded here after a major mix up between two Universes, that right Stibbons?

"Why yes Arch Chancellor, that is basically what I surmise has happened." Said Stibbons.

Death "AHHHHHHHH THAT EXPLAINS AT LEAST ONE MISTERY, LOOK AT THE WAY THE GLASS IS TWISTED AND THE WAY THE SANDS ARE BOTH POURING INTO AND OUT OF THE UPPER AND LOWER CHAMBERS ON RINCEWINDS TIMER....I BELIEVE THAT THE DEATH FORM THE OTHER UNIVERSE WAS DESTROYED ALONG WITH THAT UNIVERSE AND THAT DUE TO THE ALTERNATE RINCEWIND AND TWOFLOWER DIEING DUE TO A DROP FROM A HIGHT THEIR SPRITS WERE NOT COLLECTED. IT LOOKS LIKE RINCEWIND AND TO A LESSER EXTENT TWOFLOWER HAVE TWO LIFE LINES HELD WITHIN THE TIMERS MENT FOR ONE MAN.....AND THE ENERGY'S THERE IN ARE WORKING IN UNISON TO KEEP THE RIGHTFULL OWNERS OF THE TIMER ALIVE................. POSSILY INDEFINATLY."

So you have read it here first,is Rincewind invincible?

Indestructible, Dresses in Red........He would make an Ideal cartoon super hero strip for our paper.

Maybe as a watch man , a Captain dressed in Scarlet............indestructible Captain Scarlet!!
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Postby chris.ph » Fri Sep 19, 2008 5:22 pm

wot have you been smoking :P
bloody good tho
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Postby Watchman44 » Fri Sep 19, 2008 6:58 pm

Can I have some of what he is taking? :lol:

What an imagination.
Who watches the watchman.......
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Postby Tonyblack » Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:16 pm

:lol: That's great.
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Postby mspanners » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:02 pm

Legal fight over damages to property may have dragged the city into another pointless war..........

The Guild of Lawyers announced today that in a legal bid to recover the costs involved in the rebuilding of Ankh-morpork caused during the Great fire and flood allegedly started at the Drum Inn that it was asked to put a claim against the Agatean Empires biggest In-Sure_Ance Company.

It appears that new evidence has come to light as to the cause of the mystery fire.

An In-Sure-Ance Polly-See Document was recovered from an island where it was being worshiped by the local inhabitants.In the Polly-See the Drum was In-Shored to the value of 200 rhinu, a vale well in excess of the value of the drum.

The document was dated the same day as the fire which had lead investigator to question whether the Drum fire and a claim against the Agatean Insurance company is linked to arson.

Mr Broadman the landlord of the Drum was unfortunately killed in the inferno,but he was named as the beneficiary. His next of Kin had made it clear that they were going to press for compensation in relation to His Death and to recover the costs of rebuilding the Drum.

If they had been successful this would have set a precedent and we could have expect more claims against the Agatean Insurance Company for sure.

If, as had been speculated, the In-Sure-Ance representative a Mr TwoFlower was responsible for the fire and Death of Mr Broadman then compensation costs could have crippled the Bank of Agateia the main share holder of the Agatean In-Sure-Ance Company with a knock on effect of destabilising the Empire its self,a very dangerous position to be in.

The next of kin of Mr Broadman had claimed that Mr TwoFlower had convince Mr Broadman to insure the drum and sign over the ownership of the Drum whilst under duress (Drunk).

When the Drum burned down Mr TwoFlower and an accomplice The Wizzard Rincewind took off and disappeared for quite a time.

It was speculated that they then travailed to the Agatean Empire and claimed the outstanding insurance claim, spending their ill got gains on an orgy of Wine and Women and only returning to Ankh after the cash ran out with tales of such extraordinary gibberish that it is obvious that they were off their heads for most of the time.

These allegations were investigated by the watch and found to be fictitious.

The Watch asked the Wizards of UU to summon Death and after Questioning The Dark Lord declared that Mr TwoFlower and The Wizzard Rincewind had no charges to answer to.

But,it appears that Death was involved in the fire at the Drum,aiding the Landlord Mr Broadman in setting the blaze..............

It is not clear if the watch intends to place charges involving Death His self in relation to the fire and Deaths involved during the fire..........

In His own defence Death said " WELL IT IS MY JOB YOU KNOW,I WAS ONLY DOING MY DUTY.IT IS NOT THAT I HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER YOU KNOW........"

So there we have it, The Two Adventurers have had their names cleared by Death Himself, who in doing this has implicated Himself in the plot cooked up by the Landlord Mr Broadman.

The claim against The Agatean In-Sure-Ance company have been nullified as Arson is not covered.

It is also unlikely that the costs will be recovered from the Death estates as no on wants to take the Grim Reaper on..............even in court.

Mr. Slant said " I am living on borrowed time as it is. I see no need to involved Death in this case, or draw His attention either............."

End.
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