Jokes

[Nienna]

The boyfriend found this gem last night. Thought I'd share!

Bad Kids Jokes: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/

[Ghost]

[Tonyblack]

Those are so bizarrely weird that they are sort of funny.

[SimonAtford]

The boyfriend found this gem last night. Thought I'd share!

Bad Kids Jokes: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/

I love that site. Is there a reason why kids are so scatological?

[Cheery]

These are really bizarre

[Watchman44]

The Environment Department has issued a travel warning due to the snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following: Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag, Extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24 hours worth of food, De-Icer, Rock Salt, Torch with spare batteries, Road Flares or Reflective Triangles, Petrol can, First Aid Kit, Booster cables.

I looked like a bloody idiot on the bus this morning!

[Quatermass]

I just finished earlier today the first volume of a manga called 20th Century Boys by Naoki Urasawa, which was okay, a bit weird, but it had this hilariously funny semi-inebriated dialogue in the final chapter of this volume between a woman called Yukiji and her friend about her work colleague (warning, somewhat NSFW, hence the spoiler tags, but the payoff is great!)...

Spoiler: show

Yukiji:I can't take it anymore. I just can't!! He's driving me nuts!!

Yukiji's friend: You have the worst luck with men, I swear.

Yukiji: He doesn't do a single thing I tell him. If I say right, he goes left. If I say left, he goes right.

Yukiji's friend: Well, you can't just expect to boss 'em around.

Yukiji: I'm sick of it. I take my eyes off of him for one second, he's gone.

Yukiji's friend: Yeah, and you go looking for him, that's the problem. Let him chase you.

Yukiji: (slamming fist on table) I can't take it!! On top of everything else, he has this nasty habit...

Yukiji's friend: Nasty habit?

Yukiji: Of sticking his face in my crotch and licking me!! Every single day!!

Yukiji's friend: No way...

Yukiji: I'm totally serious!! Plus, if I don't watch out, he goes and pees on me too!!

Yukiji's friend: I've...HEARD of that, but my God, I never thought any of my friends would experience it!!

Yukiji: He gets horny and starts humping my leg, in public!!

Yukiji's friend: UGH!! There's nothing to think about here, just DUMP the bastard...

Yukiji: I wish I could dump him, that stupid dog!!

Yukiji's friend: (after a brief pause) Dog?

Yukiji: I mean, how does a loser dog like him get on the job? And why do I have to be his handler?

Yukiji's friend: Hmmm, I never thought about that aspect of being a narc...

Yukiji: I've told you a thousand times, I'm not a narc!! I'm just a regular customs officer, okay?! I just happen to handle a sniffer dog, okay?!

[Jack Remillard]

OK, this is a rough summary of what I remember of a Feghoot by Isaac Asimov.

A Mr Stein had committed a crime but had then stepped into a time machine and travelled forward to one day after the statute of limitations had expired for the crime. The prosecutor argued in court that the statute of limitations on this particular crime was there because it was believed that living through a period of 'apprehension of apprehension' for this offence would be punishment enough, but that Mr Stein had not actually lived through that. The defence argued that that may be so, but nowhere in the law did it say that he must actually live through it, just that after that period of time he could not be prosecuted.

The judge eventually acquitted the defendant, triggering a number of changes to the legal system to take into account time travel. It is perhaps a pity then that many people suspected that the reason the judge ruled this way was so that he could phrase his ruling as he did. A niche in time saves Stein.

[Jack Remillard]

There was a another one about a planetary dictator who was trying to decide on a national anthem. He held a feast to try to decide one. Unfortunately, things got a bit heated and a wonderful meal cooked by the greatest eel chef on the planet was thrown onto the floor in anger. The dictator then decided to adopt "La Marseillaise" as the anthem as the diners had brought about the falling of the best eel.

[Del]

:lol @watchman.

Those kids jokes are KIDS jokes. They would crack another kid up.

[cheery_j.]

I heard about the kids jokes page in the Adam & Edith show on 6Music! They read some jokes out on the show and it was hilarious.

[Who's Wee Dug]

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
Tested positive for WD40

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper & lead

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

[Watchman44]

A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"..............

[Ghost]

[Penfold]

Following the usual Christmas police campaign, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving;

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several ales followed by some rather nice single malt whiskey. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.