Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Dec 18, 2012 6:37 pm

A fibre optrex christmas tree. Is it a sight for sore eyes?
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Tue Dec 18, 2012 6:44 pm

:doh:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby chris.ph » Tue Dec 18, 2012 6:44 pm

as above :lol: :lol:
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Jack Remillard » Tue Dec 18, 2012 8:28 pm

:lol:

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Quatermass » Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:42 am

Jack Remillard wrote::lol:

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”


That's definitely a physicist's joke. :roll:

Of course, there's one-liners. I remember, years ago, when I was subscribed to the CSIRO's Double Helix magazine, I think they once had bumper stickers with these godawful science puns, save for one. Dotsie'll like this one:

SUPPORT BACTERIA!
They're the only culture some people have.
I've lived for over 2000 years, and not all of them were good ones. I've made many mistakes. And it's about time I did something about that.

-The Twelfth Doctor, Doctor Who: Deep Breath
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Ghost » Wed Dec 19, 2012 1:54 pm

Image
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Dotsie » Wed Dec 19, 2012 10:46 pm

Wonderful :D
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Ghost » Thu Dec 27, 2012 7:33 pm

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To put out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out flaming ducks.
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Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Alanz » Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:45 am

Just read this one: :D I'm fed up with Christmas, I work my fingers to the bone all year to buy things the kids ask for, and what happens on Christmas morning? The big fat person with the beard gets all the credit! Well, I suppose it's my fault for marrying her. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Dec 28, 2012 6:28 pm

Just as well you're other half does not post here Alanz Image :lol:
Just copied this from twitter about some ungrateful kids and the pressies they received.
People's expectations tend to stretch far beyond anything that resembles reality. And the people whose expectations tend to stretch furthest beyond reality -- especially at Christmas -- are known by the colloquial term "the young."
We should, therefore, bow in solemn gratitude to writer Jon Hendren, who tears himself away from his own personal Xmas in order to retweet the messages of those who aren't happy with their gifts.
Yes, the young, the feckless, the occasionally heartless.
@annemcgerber groaned: "If I got a black iPad I'd probably kill myself." Yes, there's nothing more disappointing than getting a black iPad.
Take this from Alyssa Northcutt: "I'm really not getting an iPhone for Christmas...... #heartbreaking #depressing #WHYmom."
It wasn't just girls whining. Here's this from @jackthesphynx: "the only thing i really wanted for xmas was a macbook pro and i know i wont get one so whATEVER."
Whatever, indeed. Laptops are out anyway, Jack. I can't believe they didn't get you an iPad Mini, though.
And then there was Katie: "I told my dad that if he got me the Iphone 4s instead of 5 I'd throw it at him #PrincessProbz."
Princesses do have problems that are simply greater than the rest of us. We should all sympathize.
But after Santa's visit, the pain came down sharper than surgery without anesthetic.
Here's @leezadorio: "I didn't get an IPhone for Christmas time to roll up into a ball and die."
That seems like a slightly extreme reaction, poppet.
Panting close behind in the Ingratitude Marathon was a lady with the handle "Majesty." She wrote: "and my mom went directly against me. she asked me if I wanted the black or white iPad. I said white, of course. tell me why mine is black..?"
Oh, your Majesty. Perhaps your mom has been trying to tune you out for years and you just haven't noticed.
The trail of woe went on and on to the point that Hendren decided to post these tweets to his site Sad And Useless.
One of the latest samples came from the touchingly humane tweeter @jiawhite(:: "I feel bad for my mom cause I can tell she knows I'm pissed at her for giving me s*** ass presents."
However, one or two might feel aggrieved at Hendren's enthusiastic retweeting.
Take the Twitterer Finnick Odair. She tweeted: "Only got an iPad 2 god mum I wanted a f***** iPhone 5 f*** sake:///"
That little smiley thing at the end might suggest that she was annoyed... or just kidding.
Still Odair, who claims that the Hunger Games and HP are her life, managed to receive more opprobrium than most after Hendren's retweet of her words.
Just a few hours ago, she tweeted: "559 retweets, eight people telling me to kill myself, five death threats and several condemnations. Christmas Day 2012 has been a fun one."
Hendren had asked that his more than 49,000 followers don't take their own righteous frustrations out on the guilty (or innocent).
I would have been thinking about taking it back and telling them do without or buy your own. :twisted:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Sister Jennifer » Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:33 pm

How do you know if someone has an iphone 5?

Don't worry they'll f-ing tell you.
Undead yes -
Unperson no!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Alanz » Sat Dec 29, 2012 7:53 am

Sister Jennifer wrote:How do you know if someone has an iphone 5?

Don't worry they'll f-ing tell you.



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: brilliant and so very true :clap: :clap:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby cheery_j. » Sat Dec 29, 2012 8:54 am

I really really need to enjoy the time until the godchildren and nieces are teenagers: two of them got books and said "oh, a book"* and then snuggled up to us and wanted to have their books read to them. And the little one got totally excited about the box of the present we got and played with it for ages, happily baby-babbling to himself. :D


* their parents must have practiced with them this year ;)
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Alanz » Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:26 am

I must admit that i tend to break wind alot more than my wife, the reason being is that she can't keep her lips together long enough to build up enough pressure :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Jack Remillard » Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:47 pm

What do you call people who are afraid of Father Christmas?

Claustrophobic.
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