Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Fri Dec 14, 2012 8:42 am

The Angel On The Tree

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem.  He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?  Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Quatermass » Fri Dec 14, 2012 10:54 am

:lol: Great one, Del!

Here's a joke I haven't heard for a long time. When I remembered it, I decided, I need to post it here.

One morning a little froggy named Kermit Jagger went to the bank to get a loan. He met with the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. After several minutes Mr. Paddywack told Kermit that to qualify for a loan he would need some collateral. Kermit thought for a moment and then handed Paddywack a small marble elephant he had taken from his pocket. Needless to say the loan officer had no idea what to do. He excused himself explaining that he would need to talk to the Bank Manager. Once in the Manger’s office Paddywack began explaining the situation and showed him the elephant. The Manager sighed and said, “It’s a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
"What have you been doing since you stole that antique TARDIS of yours, since you first landed on Skaro? Shouting 'Look at me!!! I'm not fighting a war!', while you battle the Daleks all the way through space and time."

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Ghost » Fri Dec 14, 2012 11:19 am

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Jack Remillard » Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:21 pm

Quatermass wrote::lol: Great one, Del!

Here's a joke I haven't heard for a long time. When I remembered it, I decided, I need to post it here.

One morning a little froggy named Kermit Jagger went to the bank to get a loan. He met with the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. After several minutes Mr. Paddywack told Kermit that to qualify for a loan he would need some collateral. Kermit thought for a moment and then handed Paddywack a small marble elephant he had taken from his pocket. Needless to say the loan officer had no idea what to do. He excused himself explaining that he would need to talk to the Bank Manager. Once in the Manger’s office Paddywack began explaining the situation and showed him the elephant. The Manager sighed and said, “It’s a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

The version I heard talked had the loan officer as a Patricia Wack, and then "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Wack..." etc :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Quatermass » Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:26 pm

Yeah, but this is the version I'm familiar with. :)
"What have you been doing since you stole that antique TARDIS of yours, since you first landed on Skaro? Shouting 'Look at me!!! I'm not fighting a war!', while you battle the Daleks all the way through space and time."

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Jack Remillard » Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:54 pm

Quatermass wrote:Yeah, but this is the version I'm familiar with. :)

Both versions are funny. :) A good bit of wordplay. :)
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:23 pm

Same but different.

I have always loved that joke. Haven't heard it in years!!! Its a good one.

I dropped M over to the otherside of the city at T's apartment. Wasn't going to go in but as I have known most of her friends for years she begged me to come up and see their costumes. Said no... but then I snuck up and turned my spotlight on and shone it straight into her door as I banged really really loudly her security door yelling OPEN UP!!! POLICE!!!! :lol: :lol:

It's a "stripper party".. costumes... yes... a lot of loin cloths... suspender belts and fishnets ... jewelled bras ... and boas ... leather thigh high stilletto boots... and that was just the men!!!

I almost fainted when I was taking pictures and one of the boys whipped open his trench coat and was totally naked under it.... well that's what it appeared to be.... bloody graphic printing has got high tech these days. . . . It was leggings.. he coped a whack over the head for alarming me!!! Sod. It looks like they are going to have a ton of fun.

I had a ciggie on the balcony and a quick chat with T about looking after M... I know she will... when one of the guys came out and said "Del... smoking! You are making a bad bad lifestyle choice!"... I cast my eyes over his outfit and replied "Darls .. we will have an depth conversation on lifestyle choices when you aren't wearing plush velvet skin tight leopard print tights.. a codpiece and knee high boots... "
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Broccolee » Fri Dec 14, 2012 4:55 pm

Del....I need some of your life. :D
It´s still magic even if you know how it´s done.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby chillicamper » Sat Dec 15, 2012 8:33 am

Broccolee wrote:Del....I need some of your life. :D
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Sat Dec 15, 2012 10:32 am

Broccolee wrote:Del....I need some of your life. :D



Reread my post Broc....

I DROPPED M OFF AT A PARTY AT T'S PLACE..


then I went HOME...

Then I was up at 5am.. worked all day.. picked up the child made dinner and dropped the teen off at ANOTHER party tonight. .... dropped HER off.... I am mind numbingly tired.. all I want is a hot shower but I don't have any hot water ... sad face... bed then up to do a mountain of housework tomorrow.

You too WILL have my life soon Broc... when your kids are young adults off and about... while you think having a "hot time on a Saturday night" only involves fantasising about a hot shower...

I just want A life.... or a tiny bit of one.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Tue Dec 18, 2012 3:55 pm

Have you ever had one of those moments when you attempt to pull up the blanket and you punch yourself in the face ?
.
.
.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.


Life would be so much more interesting if there were pinatas strategicaly placed throughout the day.

Everytime I see a difficult math problem my brain thinks like this: If I have 10 icecubes and you have 5 apples, how many pancakes would be on the roof ? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

You know its going to be a good story if it starts with "So this b*tch ...."




.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby simmonds91 » Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:18 pm

Del wrote:Have you ever had one of those moments when you attempt to pull up the blanket and you punch yourself in the face ?
.
.
.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.


Life would be so much more interesting if there were pinatas strategicaly placed throughout the day.

Everytime I see a difficult math problem my brain thinks like this: If I have 10 icecubes and you have 5 apples, how many pancakes would be on the roof ? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

You know its going to be a good story if it starts with "So this b*tch ...."




.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Well, you know what they say. The past is a foreign country - - With an outdated military and huge oil reserves!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:50 pm

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork."
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:54 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Ghost » Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:08 pm

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