Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Quatermass » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:22 pm

This is one I heard a long time ago, and had to track down on the internet...


Words were the big topic of the million dollar television quiz show where Professor Geewhiz challenged the audience to stump him with a word he couldn't put into a sentence.

"Garn!" shouted a bloke in the third row.

"Garn?" said the professor, "Garn? It's not a swear word, is it?"

"No," said the punter in the third row, "Garn."

Time elapsed, the buzzer went and the crowd applauded.

"You've stumped him," said the MC, "How do you use the word, sir?"

"Garn get f***ed," said the punter who was immediately thrown out and the show closed until further notice.

It took the network twelve months to get over it. Finally they had the gumption to start it up again with the proviso that they would have to screen the audience in future.

On the opening night they scrutinized each member of the public as they arrived before asking for the first word.

A man is the third row wearing a vicar's collar a beard put his hand up. "Smee," he said.

"Smee?" said the professor, "Smee?" The seconds ticked away and he was forced to concede on the very first word.

After the applause had died down the MC asked the punter, "How do you use the word?"

The punter stood up, pulled his false beard off and said, "Smee again - Garn get f***ed!"
I've lived for over 2000 years, and not all of them were good ones. I've made many mistakes. And it's about time I did something about that.

-The Twelfth Doctor, Doctor Who: Deep Breath
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:33 pm

:lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby The Mad Collector » Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:56 am

:lol: :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby chris.ph » Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:54 pm

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
measuring intelligence by exam results is like measuring digestion by turd length
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby spideyGirl » Tue Nov 06, 2012 3:52 pm

:D
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Dotsie » Tue Nov 06, 2012 5:17 pm

:lol:
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby The Mad Collector » Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:39 pm

:lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Nov 06, 2012 10:09 pm

And it would not make a blind bit of difference if you did. :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Wed Nov 07, 2012 7:22 am

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.


The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to them to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Penfold » Wed Nov 07, 2012 9:33 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Quatermass » Wed Nov 07, 2012 10:05 am

Maybe this will only interest the Doctor Who fans in the audience, but this is quite funny, and was filmed for a DVD easter egg...



And here's the cheat sheet, for those who want to understand what the [EFF!] they're on about...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Doctor_Who_serials
I've lived for over 2000 years, and not all of them were good ones. I've made many mistakes. And it's about time I did something about that.

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Nov 07, 2012 3:19 pm

very good :lol:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Nov 07, 2012 3:35 pm

A stoater ie translated as rather good old chap. :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby chris.ph » Thu Nov 08, 2012 6:56 am

How in the world did Bill and Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity couples nickname HillBilly?


America really dropped the ball on that one. :whistle: :whistle:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Nov 08, 2012 3:04 pm

:lol: :lol:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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