Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Joolz » Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:06 pm

chris.ph wrote:My laptop is knackered. It just keeps playing "Chasing Pavements" over and over again.

Probably because it's a Dell.

:whistle: :whistle:

Pick a window..You're leaving :lol: :lol:
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby ChristianBecker » Sun Oct 21, 2012 7:50 am

Groan!
On with their heads! I'm the clown prince of fools
if you don't get the joke it's your loss
Love and laughter you see are the new currency
'cause greed's coinage is not worth a toss

Exile yourself to the unforgiving continent of Wraeclast!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:21 pm

A conversation in Heaven



SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:47 am

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:55 am

Bouncy Castle wrote:My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

I didn't realise you were married, Bouncy . . . :?
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:55 am

:shock:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:58 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Dotsie » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:17 pm

Hey, no judgements here! But you should be nicer to the missus ;)
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Mon Nov 05, 2012 5:42 pm

Joolz wrote:
chris.ph wrote:My laptop is knackered. It just keeps playing "Chasing Pavements" over and over again.

Probably because it's a Dell.

:whistle: :whistle:

Pick a window..You're leaving :lol: :lol:


:lol: :lol: :lol:
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Mon Nov 05, 2012 5:43 pm

How do you piss off a hitch-hiker?

Pick him up and do a U-turn.
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:21 pm

:doh: Grooaan :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:30 pm

Baby Boomer Blues

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby Boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:55 pm

:lol: :lol: good ones Del. :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby spideyGirl » Mon Nov 05, 2012 7:53 pm

Del wrote:How do you piss off a hitch-hiker?

Pick him up and do a U-turn.


:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Joolz » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:02 pm

Del wrote:How do you piss off a hitch-hiker?

Pick him up and do a U-turn.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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