Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Joolz » Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:06 pm

chris.ph wrote:My laptop is knackered. It just keeps playing "Chasing Pavements" over and over again.

Probably because it's a Dell.

:whistle: :whistle:

Pick a window..You're leaving :lol: :lol:
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby ChristianBecker » Sun Oct 21, 2012 7:50 am

Groan!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:21 pm

A conversation in Heaven



SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:47 am

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:55 am

Bouncy Castle wrote:My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

I didn't realise you were married, Bouncy . . . :?
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:55 am

:shock:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:58 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Dotsie » Fri Nov 02, 2012 1:17 pm

Hey, no judgements here! But you should be nicer to the missus ;)
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Mon Nov 05, 2012 5:42 pm

Joolz wrote:
chris.ph wrote:My laptop is knackered. It just keeps playing "Chasing Pavements" over and over again.

Probably because it's a Dell.

:whistle: :whistle:

Pick a window..You're leaving :lol: :lol:


:lol: :lol: :lol:
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Mon Nov 05, 2012 5:43 pm

How do you piss off a hitch-hiker?

Pick him up and do a U-turn.
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:21 pm

:doh: Grooaan :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:30 pm

Baby Boomer Blues

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby Boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:55 pm

:lol: :lol: good ones Del. :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby spideyGirl » Mon Nov 05, 2012 7:53 pm

Del wrote:How do you piss off a hitch-hiker?

Pick him up and do a U-turn.


:lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Joolz » Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:02 pm

Del wrote:How do you piss off a hitch-hiker?

Pick him up and do a U-turn.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Tune the world out, turn the radio up
Sing along to my freedom song
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