Discworldish story :) critique?

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Discworldish story :) critique?

Postby nattheweirdo » Thu Sep 17, 2009 4:21 pm

http://ravenblackwings.proboards.com/in ... 143&page=1

link to a story my friend and i have been writing, my character is based on Sam Vimes, but her's is just random. it's meant to be set in somewhere similar to the discworld. PTerry style is not really tried, he's just too great to try and copy xD my username there is moonwing, my friends is ravenheart :)

Read and review? critique? would be muchly appreciated. By the way, it's very much unfinished :wink:
Samuel Vimes is awesome - Simple as :)
~
Vetinari: Did you really just punch the head of
the assassins guild?
Vimes: Yessir
Vetinari: Why?
Vimes: Didn't have a dagger sir.
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Postby cols » Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:00 pm

would sure like to read it nat but the link doesn't work and even if you copy and paste it .. you get nothing so please post it again so we can have a look :D
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Postby cols » Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:01 pm

ahh I see it's been fixed !
Was that you Tony?
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Postby nattheweirdo » Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:04 pm

it wopuldnt work because it had been coloured i think :P so i changed it :)
Samuel Vimes is awesome - Simple as :)
~
Vetinari: Did you really just punch the head of
the assassins guild?
Vimes: Yessir
Vetinari: Why?
Vimes: Didn't have a dagger sir.
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Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2009 9:41 pm
Location: Devon, UK

Postby cols » Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:05 pm

good stuff. going to read it in a bit :D
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Postby Tonyblack » Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:06 pm

cols wrote:ahh I see it's been fixed !
Was that you Tony?
Not guilty guv! :lol:

One suggestion - nattheweirdo, that colour font is awfully hard to read for us old buggers. It's always more enjoyable to read something if you don't have to squint to do so. :wink:
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Postby nattheweirdo » Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:06 pm

thankies x)

the colour font was done in the story becuase we hav signature fonts, because when writing a role play with svevral people it helped Razz just thought id explaint hat Smile


any critisism when you read it welcome....compliments wont be shunned ;)
Samuel Vimes is awesome - Simple as :)
~
Vetinari: Did you really just punch the head of
the assassins guild?
Vimes: Yessir
Vetinari: Why?
Vimes: Didn't have a dagger sir.
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nattheweirdo
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Posts: 108
Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2009 9:41 pm
Location: Devon, UK

Postby poohcarrot » Fri Sep 18, 2009 8:04 am

I like it. It's good. Very atmospheric.

But I had a bit of a problem in the first paragraph with his eyes.

Nat wrote:he glared at the desk in front of him, eyes fixed in space.

He placed his fingertips together, peered over them and resumed his glaring. For many minutes he his eyes remained unfocused, unblinking.


You can't glare at a desk with your eyes fixed in space, unless it's a flying desk.

If you are glaring at something, your eyes aren't unfocused, they are focused, on the thing you are glaring at.

"in space" :arrow: on a point
"unfocused" :arrow: focused
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Postby nattheweirdo » Fri Sep 18, 2009 5:28 pm

oh :lol: i hadn't noticed that, that was written at like 3 in the morning...so mistakes appleanty ,most likely on the first post x) thanks for telling me though, I may have to edit that :)
Samuel Vimes is awesome - Simple as :)
~
Vetinari: Did you really just punch the head of
the assassins guild?
Vimes: Yessir
Vetinari: Why?
Vimes: Didn't have a dagger sir.
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Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2009 9:41 pm
Location: Devon, UK

Postby chris.ph » Fri Sep 18, 2009 5:31 pm

teach is off and running :lol:
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Postby nattheweirdo » Mon Sep 21, 2009 8:09 pm

I was over my friends house this weekend and we wrote 51 1/2 more pages of this in her a5 notepad. She'll be typing it up soon (I've already typed up 6 pages, and she's ill off school so has the time >:]) the story now has a plan and an ending planned...we've even been planning sequels :lol:

X Nat
Samuel Vimes is awesome - Simple as :)
~
Vetinari: Did you really just punch the head of
the assassins guild?
Vimes: Yessir
Vetinari: Why?
Vimes: Didn't have a dagger sir.
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nattheweirdo
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Posts: 108
Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2009 9:41 pm
Location: Devon, UK


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