Jokes - Part Deux

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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Sep 17, 2012 12:26 pm

Del wrote:Bugger. Bouncy's list of one liners is gone! Oi! Bouncy!



When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.


PMS jokes aren't funny; period.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in Melbourne's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Velcro - what a rip off!


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Penfold » Mon Sep 17, 2012 2:44 pm

One day, a man walked into a pub. He says to the barman, "If I show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five free pints?"

The barman says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano. The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 quid." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000 squids came out of nowhere, landing on him and filling the street.

The barman, soaked in squid slime, staggers back into the bar.

"_ing Hell" he says to the man, "that genie has terrible hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"

:lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Sep 18, 2012 5:30 pm

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, bugger!!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

:lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Sep 18, 2012 5:30 pm

A woman and her son were taking a taxi in London city centre. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mummy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Heck lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mummy?"
His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mummy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become taxi drivers," she replied.

:lol:
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Tue Sep 18, 2012 5:37 pm

A man gets hold of some Viagra.

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his parrotl eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"

The parrot pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Bouncy Castle » Wed Sep 19, 2012 7:44 pm

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million pounds."
To my son Barry, I leave my BMW and the Jaguar.

To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and £250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:13 pm

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours. ''Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get
the hell out of here!'
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Tonyblack » Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:16 pm

You posted that one last Saturday, Dug. :lol:
"Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to."
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Wed Sep 19, 2012 11:45 pm

Bugger blame it on the jetlag. :roll: ;)
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:01 am

THIS IS SO DARN CUTE ....I COULD JUST SEE
THESE LITTLE KIDS DOING & SAYING THIS!!!!!
Chicken Sandwiches
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what ! !
Image
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends..Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'



'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him.. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
Image




She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Del » Thu Sep 20, 2012 2:40 pm

funnies fetish.jpg
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby jaznbonnie » Thu Sep 20, 2012 6:24 pm

OMG Dug!!!! I almost spewed my coffee at that one. Image
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Tue Sep 25, 2012 1:12 pm

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki, a bright
foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,
1775," he said.

"Very good!"

"Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'"

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, "let's try one a bit more
difficult..."

"Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country?'"

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F.
Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves; Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F . . . k the Japs,"

"Who said that? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student at the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Hodaiki said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael
Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh
shit, we're fucked!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.” :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby jaznbonnie » Tue Sep 25, 2012 9:17 pm

:laughing-rolling:
Be careful what you wish for as you just might get it.
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Re: Jokes - Part Deux

Postby majomull » Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:09 pm

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls ?


Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Whiskey is sunlight held together with water.
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