Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:08 am

It's now being reported that requests for 50 Shades have gone through the roof at audio books makers for people with bad eyesight - inundated by requests from ladies over 70.

:shock:
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Tonyblack » Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:16 am

Bad eyesight? You mean all those stories about going blind are true? :o
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:01 am

It would appear so!!
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Bouncy Castle » Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:35 am

As written by a mate on another forum.

50 Shades of Pensioner Gray.

The heat from the fire was comforting as the three electric bars glowed brightly in their metal cage. Nora peeked across the room over the rim of her Reader's Digest. Gerald was snoring lightly, with his half-moon spectacles balanced on the end of his nose, a thin ribbon of drool sliding down his chin onto the edge of his striped pyjamas.

His half-read newspaper had fallen to the floor, and the cat had curled up on top of the unfinished cricket scores. She closed her book, turning over the corner of the page she had been reading so as not to lose the article on herbaceous borders, and placed it down next to her half–drunk Horlicks.

Nora slid out of her chair, and grabbed the armrest. Carefully kicking off her sheepskin slippers and, sliding her wheeled table out of the way, she hitched up her velvet dressing gown and padded towards him.

She slid her hand under his pyjama top, rubbing his arm gently. He smacked his lips together, as though he could taste the cod in parsley sauce they had for supper. His eyes flickered open and he squinted at the light and the looming shadow in front of him.

Gerald could see she wanted him to follow her. He took off his glasses and placed them on the coffee table as he rose out of his chair, his knees and back cracking as he straightened up. She reached forward and grabbed the long-shaft of his walking stick, gnarled and rough, and placed it in his hand.

Nora began to negotiate the stairs, gripping the banister, the light from the landing highlighting grey roots in her blue rinse.

Gerald could hardly wait to get to bed; he settled onto the green padded cushion of his Stannah stair lift and flicked the button, slowly ascending towards her waddling behind as she stumbled up the last two steps. Nora padded into the bathroom as Gerald sank down on the edge of the double divan. She returned after a few moments, passing Gerald a cold and cloudy glass of tap water into which he dropped his teeth with a quiet splash.

She placed her own glass onto the bedside table and removed her top denture, dropping it into the glass and adding the cleaning tablet with a plop and a fizz.

Gerald had already slid under the 15-tog duvet and was smoothing out the wrinkles on his V-pillow. Nora slipped her shoulders out of her gown and placed it next to the commode, then slid under the paisley polyester, her hand brushing Gerald’s as she fumbled for the TV remote.

Gerald gripped the handrail as he slid open the drawer under the dimly lit touch lamp and pulled out a blister pack of Viagra, his face falling as he realised it was empty. He could’ve sworn there were a couple left. Nora smiled to herself as she pressed the remote and the TV flickered into life on the opening credits of Question Time.

She sank back into the memory foam pillow and her eyes glinted happily knowing that Gerald would not be able to get another doctor’s appointment until late next week and that the little blue pills dissolving in the U-bend of the toilet would be completely gone by the morning.


:clap: :clap: :clap:
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:54 pm

:twisted: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby raptornx01 » Fri Aug 17, 2012 3:44 pm

Who's Wee Dug wrote:A bit like having a best cut of steak every day.


I used to think that, but have you ever considered what happens outside the bedroom? ;)

you thought that whole deciding what to wear when going out thing could be bad before. imagine if you were the one having to make that decision all the time, for both of you. :lol:
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Dotsie » Fri Aug 17, 2012 3:51 pm

Like, does this gimp mask make me look fat?
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Toothy » Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:57 pm

Saw this on Facebook - a very funny review on the first book with a link at the end of the review to the review of the next one and then the next! Katrina Lumsden Review of 50 Shades :D
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Mon Aug 20, 2012 1:39 am

50 shades of Gray MENS EDITION
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Aug 20, 2012 2:03 pm

From Twitter, once again:


Fifty Sheds of Grey

'Open your mouth,' I ordered, tying the blindfold over her eyes. Before long I was completely satisfied. She couldn't tell Coke from Pepsi.
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby The Mad Collector » Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:29 pm

Determined to find out what all these women were reading and enthusing about I made it to page 6 before deciding I would rather eat red hot needles before starting page 7, my god this is crap :roll:
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Catch-up » Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:36 pm

The Mad Collector wrote:Determined to find out what all these women were reading and enthusing about I made it to page 6 before deciding I would rather eat red hot needles before starting page 7, my god this is crap :roll:


Wow! You made it 3 pages further than I did.
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby Dotsie » Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:27 am

OK, now I want to try. But what if I like it? How will I ever show my face in here? :shock:
What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby pip » Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:42 am

Do what Bouncy does and pretend you didn't like it :lol: ;)
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Re: Can anyone 'splain Fifty Shades of Gray to me?

Postby raisindot » Thu Sep 06, 2012 1:26 pm

Dotsie wrote:OK, now I want to try. But what if I like it? How will I ever show my face in here? :shock:


If we all confess our 'guilty literary slumming' will that help? I'll start by admitting that I truly like Janet Evanovich, one of the trashiest writers out there.
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