I was driving down the freeway on my way home last week just after dark when a HUGE spider ran up over the bonnet and sat on the windscreen RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
I was driving at about 100 klms/hour and this thing was just sitting there, its little hairs on its legs ruffling in the breeze.
Now, I am the first person to tell anyone that crashing a car because you are screaming about a spider running up your arm while driving is far worse than being bitten so STAY CALM (and yes it was on the outside
of the car) but I know ME and I know SPIDERS.... so I found the next exit and decided to find a nice brightly lit place to get rid of the spider. I didnt want to be pulling into my dark driveway and have it leap on me as I got out of the car or worse still... run inside the car when I opened the door or go into the air vents to emerge on me (or the girls) at some later time.
As I pulled up at traffic lights trying to find anywhere that I could to pull into, the spider would disappear... reappear... and always right in front of my face. It was an evil thing! One light I swear it stopped in the exact place so that when I looked at it it was outlined in the glowing circle of the red stop light!
I tapped on the windscreen at one light and it REARED UP and danced around striking with its FANGS! (I presume it had not
enjoyed its freeway trip at 100 klm/hr and was out for revenge) I now knew I had a VERY angry spider WITH FANGS on my car.
I drove on; bypassing many brightly lit establishments for want of floodlights (bloody BIG floodlights) and people (I may need more than just me to defeat this beast). I pulled into a mall carpark (thinking if I screamed enough or was bitten and lying semi-conscious and fitting in the last moments of my life wondering if internal bleeding or heart failure would take me first, at least a security guard might chance upon me) but the bloody spider ran up purposefully up towards my drivers door side and sat there waiting, little knowing that I could see two of its huge legs peeking over the at the top of my window.
(I told you it was evil !) Too scared to open the door I drove on. The minute I drove off it sat on the windscreen in front of my face once again. I pulled over again and it made ANOTHER dash to my car door !! I drove on, pulled over, it made a dash to the AIR VENTS !!!! I rumbled around in the glove box for the car manual to see if it had any diagrams to show HOW the OUTSIDE air vents connected with the INSIDE air vents! Nothing!
Arrrghhhhhh! Shaking like a leaf now I rammed all the air vents shut..... then looked below the dashboard..... could he get in under there?
Run up my leg? I had a skirt on. I wrapped my skirt really tightly around my legs and between my legs, calmed my shaking hands down enough to start the car again and drove off.... saying a mantra over and over.... "Crashing the car is worse than being bitten... stay calm! Stay calm!"
A few blocks more and I pulled into a huge service station (petrol station). Massive lights! The spider had been running wild for the last block or so; all over the windscreen,, up and down, to the roof and then back in the vents, then down the side of my window. I had NO idea where it was.
I turned the engine off and sat trembling in the car, looking around and wondering what to do. I thought to phone the servo and explain but you aren't allowed to use your phone at a servo
and in any case there was only one person on duty and they wouldnt come out. Stupidly I had parked in the last bay of the bowsers (about 15 in all) so I wouldnt embarrass myself but it also served to isolate me from passer-byers. Eventually one man walked near me towards his car and I started to wave and gesture to him wildly, banging on the window!!!!! He looked at me, (the madwoman) then kept walking so I lightly honked my horn at him and pressed both my hands and face on the window, banging desperately almost in tears, mouthing HELP ME! HELP ME!
He came over hesitantly (as I was so obviously upset) and looked down at me, The look of relief that came over my face must have been wonderful as I beamed a smile of gratitude up at him BUT BUT BUT as he leant down to look into my car at me he leaned his hand up on the roof of the car !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE THE SPIDER WAS LAST SEEN! I went from smiling to screaming at him GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY CAR!!!! Well, now he was really freaked out as much as I was and stepped back with his hands up in the air ("I'm not touching her! She is screaming but I didn't do anything!")
You have to remember now... this is usually a very very quiet low crime city but we have had a few shootouts in the last few weeks, a random shooting at a car on the freeway, and only the day before someone got killed at a servo.
I couldnt let him walk away. He was my only lifeline. So I made feverish gestures to make him understand; I hooked my thumbs together and made mad crawling motions all over the windscreen and down over the drivers window (like a spider) and then was ballooning my hands to make him understand it was a BIG spider! I kept repeating this over and over. He got more and more worried as he looked at me and started to back off. I thought he finally understood!!! and was backing off from the spider; so I calmed down again and smiled madly at him.... but no.. he was backing off from ME (and I do believe... looking around for a security guard)
He pondered. I do believe it was because I was going into the foetal position. He stepped up to the car and pointed to his ear ("I cant hear hear you") and made the motion for me to wind down the window. I shook my had wildly, pointing at the window controls, shaking my head back and forward. ("I cant!") Relief flooded his face ("Poor love! She's locked in her car!") and reached out to try to open my door !!!!!
My face turned to horror and I SLAMMED the control on for the central locking CHUNK!
mouthing No! No! No! No! No! over and over again. He looked really freaked out this time.... (do you blame him) so I started making the motions with my hands yet again and yelling at the top of my voice "SPIDER! SPIDER! OUT THERE!"
Just then the spider made another mad dash across the windscreen towards him, I went crazy pointing, and he flicked it off the car. He went to walk away with a smile. I had my face pressed up against the drivers window trying to see where it had gone on the ground, mouthing "WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT???" and he kept pointing.... He shook his head and walked over and hopped a few steps and ground his foot into the ground, took his thong off and SHOWED ME the crushed spider.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Huge smiles Huge smiles
I went to get out of the car but the adreneline rush made my legs shake so much I didnt trust myself to stand up, I fumbled with the central locking, couldnt remember how to get the windows open, so I opened the door and yelled out to him as he got into his car... "Thank you! Thank you! Oh God Thank you so much" (Yep! Crazy lady!
I started the car to head home and as I crossed in front of his car and stopped to let another car pass in front of me I heard his female passenger say quite forcefully "You killed it??? WE don't KILL spiders! You killed it!"
I have never been so glad to pull up in my drive.... and able to open the car door!
Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming....