Schadenfreude, Dark Humour and the Macabre...

[Quatermass]

Okay, didn't know where to put this otherwise, but this thread is to be a repository of dark humour and jokes that at least toe the line, or at least crosses it in a way that's actually funny.

Keep in mind that this is very much a case of 'Your Mileage May Vary'. Any images or videos must be kept to a safe for work level.

One thing that I found darkly funny was lists of medical terminology. And by that, I mean the little phrases and nickcnames medical professionals give conditions, with 'faecal encephalopathy' meaning having sh** for brains, and 'vegetable garden' being a term for a coma ward. There are plenty of lists on the internet, or if you want, I could make a regular thing of posting medical terminology. Medical professionals must need some pretty dark humour to get through their days...

The second thing I wanted to post, I will have to post in a spoiler bracket, as it contains spoilers for the new movie Prometheus, so please don't click on it if you don't want to be spoiled, or squicked out for that matter...

Spoiler: show

During the events of Prometheus, the main character, Dr Elizabeth Shaw, is pregnant with an alien organism. Long story short, she is forced to do what amounts to a C-section on her own body using a medical machine, with less anaesthetic than she should, to remove said alien, which looks like a squid when pulled out. And yes, this isn't a pleasant sequence to watch, which is probably why I made a remark to a friend I was watching the movie with.

In the original Men in Black, there's a sequence that involves a squid-like alien giving birth, and thrashing Jay with her tentacles while Kay discusses things with the husband. After the birth, Jay is left holding the baby, and Kay says to the father, "Congratulations, it's a squid." That's what I said after the aforementioned scene in Prometheus.

[Big Aggie]

Well done Q! I find dark humour hilarious, and in particular, medical terminology. Go on, spoil us, you have one fan already

[Del]

Two. Me too. Have friends in the medical arena. Love some of their stories.

I saw something about this on TV a few weeks ago..... hmmmm. No idea what it was.

In the meantime......... some medical terms to get us all familiar with ... medical terms.


Artery…………………………..The study of paintings.
Bacteria…………………………Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium………………………….What doctors do when patients die.
Benign………………………….What you be after you be eight
Cesarean Section…………….A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan………………………….Searching for kitty.
Cauterize……………………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic…………………………….A sheep dog.
Coma……………………………A punctuation mark.
D & C……………………………Where Washington is.
Dilate……………………………To live long.
Enema…………………………..Not a friend.
Fester……………………………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula……………………………A small lie.
Genital…………………………..Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series……………………….World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail…………………………What you hang your coat on.
Impotent…………………………Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain……………………….Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff……………………A doctor’s cane.
Morbid……………………………A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates………………………….Cheaper than day rates.
Node……………………………..I knew it.
Outpatient……………………….A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear………………………A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………………………Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…………………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room…………………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum……………………………Darn near killed him.
Secretion…………………………Hiding something.
Seizure…………………………..Roman emperor.
Tablet……………………………A small table.
Terminal Illness…………………Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor…………………………….More than one.
Urine…………………………….Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose………………………….Near by / close by.

[Quatermass]

Okay, well, let's start with Acute Lead Poisoning. That is, as you might guess, another term for a gunshot wound. But then, you get the variations. 185 Gram Injection of Acute Lead Poisoning means a 9mm gunshot wound, while a 240 Grain Injection means a .44 calibre wound.

See a trend? Actually, no. Because then we have Air Conditioned Acute Lead Poisoning. That means multiple gunshot wounds.

There is also Acute Pneumoencephalopathy. A point to anyone who can guess what that means.

[Catch-up]

Not breathing?

Those were good Del.

[Quatermass]

No. It means the person is an airhead.

[Del]

Too fast Q! I was going to post THIS >

[Big Aggie]

See Q, I just knew this was going to be great.... Just let them go for it. IAOTFPMLACGU already! (anyone needs an explanation, just ask)

[Catch-up]

No. It means the person is an airhead.

Ah!

[Del]

See Q, I just knew this was going to be great.... Just let them go for it. IAOTFPMLACGU already! (anyone needs an explanation, just ask)

Me!

[Quatermass]

IAOTFPMLACGU already! (anyone needs an explanation, just ask)

I'm pretty sure that PML means "Pissed/pissing myself laughing", but beyond that, I dunno.

Brothel sprouts is another name for genital warts (feel free to groan).

Bordeaux is bloodstained urine.

Have a guess what 'Bury the hatchet' means. Clue: it's something that shouldn't happen...

[Del]

IAOTF.....PMLACGU The last bit is "Pee Myself Laughing And Cant Get Up"

Oh hang on .... is it I Am On The Floor Peeing Myself Laughing And Cant Get Up ?

[Big Aggie]

Well the let's say,for the more mature of us,... I Am On The Floor Pissing Myself Laughing And Can't Get Up.

[Penfold]

I'm sure I posted this somewhere before but it's always worth repeating (and quite fitting for this thread, I think).

[Sister Jennifer]

Leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient is burying the hatchet. I've counted a few swabs and forceps in my day. And that was just from looking at post op xrays!