Ankh-Morpork Times (Editor's Desk)

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We have been asked to publish a response to Mr G reapers letter of the 6 Sept by the Alumnus arch chancellor ridcully of the UU.

"Dear Mr Greaper are you suggesting that Death is shaped by the mental constraints of His clients? That the way we think of Him is the way He will appear.........I find this a fanciful idea at best.
Why if that is so then all we need do to overcome this threat to Mankind is train every child born to think nice thoughts about Death, as him as another kind of Hogfather for example.And in time instead of bringing Death to us He could be trained to bring Ermmm.......... Hair for example.......... mmm ......... not that I need more Hair of coarse. Stibbons get this mans cloak He is leaving............Darn reporters"

These views are we would like to remind the reader are not our own but the stand made by the UU team.

[Tonyblack]

DEAR SIR,

I WISH TO ADDRESS THE RESPONSE TO MY RESPONSE TO THE ALUMNI OF UU.

SIRS, I THINK YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT. IT DOESN'T MATTER IN WHAT SHAPE OR FORM DEATH ARRIVES, THE RESULT IS STILL THE SAME. YOU MAY INDEED IMAGINE ME... HIM AS A FLUFFY BUNNY, FOR EXAMPLE, BUT THE FLUFFY BUNNY WILL STILL REAP YOUR SOUL. THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE REAPER MAN.

COWER BRIEF MORTALS!

MR G. REAPER.

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HEADLINE ..........Debate between Mr Greaper and the top men at UU continues............

This morning a Clax was received from arch chancellor Mustrum Ridcully who is Holidaying at His estates, the content of which follow........

"I find it hard to understand the ideas put forward by your reader Mr Greaper.
You have failed to understand the basic reasoning behind the anthropomorphic personification,that He will be in the form of the creature He is harvesting because that is the form the customer would expect.

Death,as we know appears in the form of the customer that He is attending, unless that creature is boneless for example a tube worm, Gnats and such like (or cats, which it is known He has a liking for or Trolls and Dwarfs).

SO why would He choose to look like A fluffy Bunny, I find this idea offensive in the extreme.

I would like to point out the flaws in the theory. Mankind has never evolved from a Rabbit like creature, if Professor Stibbons ideas about Evolution are correct, and I do not condone them in any way at all.

We are decedents of Apes, with lower types like the Orangutan a distant cousin.

I fail to see how, if He were a Fluffy Bunny, he could possibly handle a scythe.

We at UU have had dealings with Death over the many Years and know more about Him than the general populous do, indeed most of our members have meet Him and none of them have ever reported back from the other side that He looked like a Fluffy Bunny.

Indeed we contacted Old Windle Poons and asked Him what Death looked like when He finally put in an appearance after Old Windle passed on.

He was a Human Skellington............. so there.

I also think that there is no need to SHOUT WHEN REPLYING TO OUR LETTERS MR GREAPER, we are not deaf at the UU, not since Old Windle left us."

So who is correct? We await future developments on this story and will bring you, the reader the Truth when we have it.

[chris.ph]

news flash

the illustrious librarian has just been banned fom the curry gardens after pushing a peanut up the maitre des nose after being told that bananana satay was decidely klatchian

[Dotsie]

Oook!

Ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook ook oooook!

Ook ook ook.

Ook – ook ook ook ook ook ook ook.*

*Translation supplied according to emphatic accompanying gestures at the Times office:

Sirs

I would like to contest the theory put forward recently by Arch Chancellor Mustrum Ridcully that orang-utans are “lower types” of apes. I will also be discussing the matter with the Arch Chancellor upon his return. Please do not give column inches to such rubbish again, as a peanut up the nose often offends.

Respectfully,
Concerned of Ankh Morpork.

PS Any maitre d’ who thinks he knows more about banananas than me deserves what he gets.

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Speculation rife at UU on higher life forms evolved on Male Chelonian Worlds.......

In a paper published in the UU Monthly Digest Professor P Stibbons Department of Inadvisable Applied Magic ( DIAP ) has speculated that due to the Discs on the backs of Male Turtles not being dislodged or disrupted during the mating cycle of the Great Turtles that Life on said Discs has longer to Evolve than on the Female Chelonians.

Professor P Stibbons Quoted............

"We on the Disc bore upon the back of The Great Atuin have experienced at least one major disruption to the steady evolution of life as we know it.

The stone creature found in abundance across the breadth of the Disc are proof that the conditions here have change markedly over the past eons.The conditions were more suited to Silicone based life, and at the last Mating of the Turtle the conditions were change possibly due to the Male turtle disrupting the spin rate of the disc.

We were lucky that the disc was not pushed right off the backs of the Great Elephants but the edge may have rubbed against the underside of the male and was thus slowed in it rotational velocity.

This had the effect of allowing the lands below the Sun to experience longer days and thus Higher Temperatures, which as we know are not what a silicone life form needs and as a result silicone life forms were out evolved by the few Carbons based forms around at that Time, Troll being the only silicone creature to survive this catastrophe due to their ability to adapt to the new conditions better than the rest of the Silicon creature then in abundance.

It is with this in mind that we need to look at the Discs on the Male Turtles and consider the paths that life May have taken due to their more stable conditions.

I would speculate that if life has evolved on these Discs it will either be a higher form of silicone life or if their rotations are slow enough then a form of carbon Life not unlike our own but more evolved, Possibly if we were to meet these peoples they would either be a Diamond form of Troll or a Humanoid form possibly with compound Eyes for spotting Dangers such as someone casting a spell at you from behind and with Multiple hands form Casting of simultaneous spells."

When the Head of UU Arch Chancellor M Ridcully just returned from this holiday was asked to comment of these speculations He said......

"It is a load of Bunkum of the worst type. I fail to see why Stibbons continues with this silly idea of evolution, it is plainly wrong and we know the Gods created all the life on the Disc and that the Stone creature were a trial run at this task that plainly failed.

Stibbons needs to take a care He doesn't upset the Gods by proving His theory right, we don't need them coming down from the Hub and smiting a few people to prove a point.

Bursar, get this chaps cloak and hat he is leaving again. And stop letting reporters into the UU, nosy buggers the lot of them stirring up trouble all the time........... "

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Speculation grows about the true nature of the Universe..............

Last week a rather large package was delivered to the Gates of UU by the post office that has caused quite a stir amongst the faculty as it opens up new ideas no one has had or even considered possible.

Asked as to the contents of the mystery package when He was stopped outside the main gate of UU Professor P Stibbons responded.....

"Well it is quite a shook to find out that someone who is not a Member of the UU has come up with such brilliant idea. This is what happened as far as I can work out from the package delivered to me, as I have had to translate it Via HEX due to it being written in reverse script."

Below is the translation.................

These are the notes on the speculation on the Nature of the shape of the Universe by LoQ and Albert E...

I have being researching the very Nature of the Universe as part of a project to get a vessel quickly to the Hub and Dunmanifestin in an attempt to prevent Cohen The Barbarian and the Silver Horde from destroying the Magical field that is the binding force that holds our world together.

Whilst testing a theory that all things are bound together by very very tiny elastic string which I shall call Gravitas with the aid of a trampoline and some Lead Balls a close friend of mine (Who as asked not to be named because He is a very shy and sensitive man) popped into my workshop to oil the Door hinges and asked what I was working on.

I explained my Theory about Gravitas Strings and demonstrated my Theory by bouncing the Lead balls on the trampoline.

Albert E was impressed but thought that there were a few flaws in the Theory, and that maybe I should take a look at the Lead ball when it had come to rest on the surface of the Trampoline. Upon inspection I noticed what He had seen, a large dip in the fabric that was a better model for the structure of the Universe than my idea of Gravitas Strings. Indeed when I rolled a smaller Lead ball onto the surface of the trampoline it started to rotated about the larger Ball, following a Ring Path!

I have been able to Model the Mass of the Disc and the Vessel and used these values to calculate a Velocity and direction (which I will call a vector) to aid the City in the task of saving the Disc.

Albert E has speculated that if an object were to gain enough mass then it would collapse in on it self and open a doorway into the Dungeon Dimensions.......although this is not a new idea as the existence of invisible stars has been speculated about for a number of Years.


Asked to comment of the Nature of the papers delivered to UU The Arch Chancellor Mustrum Ridcully Shouted............

"If any of you buggers put one foot over the threshold into UU property I will fry you with a bolt of fire!! BARSER shut the gates............"

Who are LoQ and Albert E? Can you squash things up so tight they open a door to the Dungeon Dimensions?

We don't know but you can bet that the UU are working on a device to test this idea...an inside man at UU has told us that this device will take the form of a Large Doughnut shaped Ring with Magical Magnets around the outside and powered by Lightning Lemons that will drive small lumps of Matter into a target.

We wait with baited breath on the results of there efforts.

[Watchman44]

Dear Sir,

What are the Watch coming to, It's not as if they even do that anymore, it used to be that they would just watch for a bit and then look for somewhere more warm and cosy. Now they are actually doing detectoring and trying to find out who did what!
I mean, its hard now for us freelance weatlth re-distibutors to do a dis-honest nights work without being disturbed, and between the Watch and the Thieves guild it is getting harder than ever to make a living!

Yours Faithfully

Name and address smudged beyond recognition.

[swreader]

At the suggestion of the Patrician Havelock Vetinari, I am sponsoring a brand new membership drive:

BE A FEMALE OF THE WATCH!!!

There are a number of us who feel that it is disgraceful and discriminatory that there are so few females of any species among the members of the watch. The Patrician assures me that there are several female dwarfs, although only one of them has "come out of the closet", a female werewolf (whose identity has been needlessly concealed), a new recruit female vampire. He said that as far as he knows, there are no female humans or trolls--or any other species of beings on discworld. However, he assures me that membership on the force is open to all qualified females of any species.

This is a disgrace! Women can work on the force as effectively as half the men on the force, and better than the rest, with the exception, of course, of Commander Sam Vimes, Duke of Anhk-Morpork.

A meeting for all interested females will be held two weeks from tonight at 7:00 p.m. at the home of the Duchess of Ankh-Morpork.

Brochures with information about requirement to join the force and salary schedules, benefits, etc. will be available. Commander Vimes WILL speak to interested parties about joining the force, the hours, the benefits, the training-- and specialized jobs the force is looking to fill.

The Seamstresses (of course) the Assassins, the Beggars, the Thieves and the Merchant's Guilds all have women members. There is no reason why women cannot take advantage of the opportunities that life in the force brings. All interested females of any species will be welcomed.

Signed,
Lady Sybil, Duchess of Ankh-Morpork

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Speculation rife on future of Patricians position.............

Reports from a reliable source inside the Guilds top echelons has let it be known that the replacement for the current Patrician has been discussed with Lord Vetinari in the last few weeks.

It is known that Three Weeks ago there was a meeting of the Major Guilds Leaders and Lord Vetinari at a secret location that can now be revelled as the Home and Grounds of the DeWard family.

Over a nice meal of cutlets, potato's and steamed Vegetables and a robust Red Wine followed by toasted figgins the future of ankh-morpork was discussed.

It can now be revealed that the Patrician has agreed to a compromise concerning who the next Leader of the City will be and how the balance of power between the Guilds the lordship and the People will operate.

There will be a Major change in the way the city will be run in an attempt to ensure stability of the city for future generations.

Firstly we believe that Duke Sir Samuel Vimes will be asked to take the Reins of the City.

This is because none of the Guilds trust any of their members to act impartially if one of their number ever came to power and Duke Sir Samuel Vimes although well known for having feeling and concerns about a number of Guilds has been seen to be impartial in times of need.

This choice,we believe will be a popular one with the general public who see Duke Sir Samuel Vimes as a local lad who made good despite His humble beginnings............

Secondly The Patrician Lord Vetinari has suggested that a counter balance to the over whelming power wielded by the Patricians should be invoked in the reestablishment of the Royal Family.

It has be rumoured that a direct descendent to the Royal Blood line is at this very moment at work in the City.

We speculate that the person in mind is either Corporal Cecil Wormsborough St. John Nobbs or Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, both of which either by chance or fate work in the Watch.

Indeed Mr Nobbs has already been approached by the City Leader in connection with this matter a number of Years ago, but we have been lead to believe that He turned down the position.

Therefore it is speculated that Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson will be offered the position and again we think this will be a very popular decision with the general public too. Captain Ironfoundersson appears to be a likable and Honest watchman.

Just how the power sharing will work has still to be ironed out, but The Patrician Lord Vetinari is well known to believe that the Future prosperity of Ankh Morpork requires a stable Governing body with none of the excesses of either of the past Kings or Patricians. The combination of Guilds a King and a Patrician should ensure that no one ever take control with absolute powers again.

We sent a Reporter to interview Duke Sir Samuel Vimes in connection with these rumours,He was tracked down talking to Sergeant Fred Colon custody officer and long time member of the Watch outside the gates of UU . When asked if He was going to take the Reins as Patrician if offered it He was heard to say " NO NO NO GOOD GODS NO" and ran off in pursuit of a felon, we assume.

Captain Ironfoundersson when approached responded "Well if the City were to need a King and it was forced upon me then I would endeavour to perform my duty's in a way that would be of benefit to all of the City and surrounding places on the Disc. I think a good King would be a magnet around which all the peoples of the Disc could rally to the benefit of all sapient kind."

Of coarse none of this will be began until The Patrician Lord Vetinari Dies or retires, long may he Rein.

Arch Chancellor Mustrum ridcully was approached by one of our reporters with respect to these speculations but we are still awaiting the return of our man and could not delay the printing of this report any longer......strangely that day a massive Toad was seen exiting UU and was last seen plunging in to the river....

And finally Lady Vimes was approached by us in respect to these observations but was reluctant to make any comments on the subject of Her Husbands possible promotion.We suspect She will be head over heels if and when Duke Sir Samuel is elevated to the position of Patrician.

[Bickaxe]

Where's My Cow?

The Watch have confirmed today that they are now looking into last years spate of cattle rustling.
Commander Vimes told The Ankh-Morpork Times that due to a backlog and lack of man...woman..were...er...staffing, they didn't have the power to keep up with the crimes outside the city walls. He continued by saying that his best men were on the case as he spoke.
Sgt. Colon and Cpl. Nobbs were tasked with finding the rustlers but were last spotted eating steak with Ronald 'Bovine King' McDonaldson during a routine call.
Are these Commander Vimes' best men?
Why are they fraternising with one of the biggest criminals in the city when crime is happening?

This reporter would like to appeal to the people of the city to help The Watch as best they can in order to reduce crime levels outside our walls.
This reporter would also like to say what a wonderful job the Thieves Guild is doing as well

[Jinx]

Uberwald Clinic Causes Desinger Pebbles Outrage

Count Ivon Sum Pterror, has this week revealed his special clinic which assists trolls with fertility problems. Troll couples can spend between 3-8 weeks in the clinic before succesful fertilisation at the clinic. Count Pterror's PA, Igor read out the following prepared statement on the Count's behalf.

"We here at the Happy Pebbleth Clinic are pleathed to announthe new breakthroughth in troll family aidth. With our thpethial thelecthion an preperathion of thoil, thteel and variouth mineralth we have overcome all pothible barrierth in troll parenting.
"Not only have we come up with a tholuthion to thethe problemth, but we are pleathed ...oh dear mathter what hath you done?... to announthe that troll parentth will now have more... athitanthe available with their baby'th health and... thimilar"

When asked what he meant by "thimilar", Igor responded "Oh you know, we can prevent heriditary geologic birth defectth or er... choothe what mineral your baby troll will grow into. Thank you thith preth meeting mutht now clothe ath I've thuddenly remembered I hath to be thomewhere elthe... far from her."

It is believed that local dwarfs provided the minerals required by the HPC for their fertalisation formula. The Greater Uberwaldian Miners Society [GUMS] chairman, Garmorley Digdeep has commented "We can not confirm any business transactions with any of our clients, otherwise Count Pterror might not pay us our shipment of beer."


Reactions have been mixed. Many trolls have expressed delight at the possibility of finally conceiving, while others are horrified at the promotion of Designer Pebbles.

Iconograph of pamphlet.
Showing a small emerald troll against the blue sky being thrown into the air and caught by a happy daddy troll.


Let us hear your views, clacks to editor.amtimes@cmail.am

________________

You know, thinking about troll parenting has really made me consider all the possible implications of the term 'The hand that rocks the cradle'...

[Jinx]

Dear Readers of Ankh-Morpork,
I wish to address the issues of declining mental health levels of the general populace of Ankh-Morpork.

In my day to day life I have cause to observe many of Ankh-Morpork's fine citizens up close, even if they do not observe myself or my companions. I must stress my concern the increasing number of inventive claims from the people of Ankh-Morpork. Many are experiencing alarmingly common symptoms. Just for example the number of instances of people to have claimed to see a duck nesting on my head is utterly ludacris.

I urge you if you see anything out of the ordinary please take a moment to consider visiting your local doctor, or perhaps a safer option if possible your local vet.

Yours Sincerly,
the Duck Man
Under Misbegot Bridge, AM

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Sad News from the World of entertainment..................

Spotted being signed into the Free Hospital last Weeks was the former Actor and recently new Wizard Victor Tugelbend.

It has been a while since Victor has been in the lime light, the last occasion being when He was seen sat outside the Main Gates of Unseen University crying tears of joy at being given an Honorary Degree in Applied Magical Theory and Practice.

As we recall Victor was allegedly romantically linked to His former costar Theda Withel AKA Ginger AKA Delores De Syn until the mysterious collapse of the clicks industry and destruction of the small town of Holy Wood.

When asked to comment on this development in Victors life former Manager and Clicks Mogul C.M.O.T. Dribbler was quoted as saying "Wellllll....... Vic was this head strong guy, but a wonder, a wonder in front of the Lens.He started from nothing and with my assistance and friendship became one of the biggest names in the industry. Without My help He would have been a no body, but you don't want to hear anymore about Vic. He is in the past and no matter what anyone tells you I did not fritter away His Money he made from the Clicks, no we hardly broke even, in fact I think I made a loss on the deal. You look Hungry, like a nice sausage in a bun would you?"

Seen wandering around the city in decidedly secondhand attire and in the company of another of His Ex-Clicks stars Gaspode the dog Victor has fallen on Hard Times.

After passing His Exams at UU it was expected that He would enter the Faculty and attain a high position in the UU due to His legionary Knowledge of Magical doings. But this never happened and after the Cash dried up and the rather public split with Theda Victor hit a spiral of drinking and scrape abuse.

However Theda was spotted Visiting Victor recently, we hope that the support She can give Victor will help in reforming His life.

He has also been spotted taking therapeutic walks with Gaspode within the Grounds of the Hospital.

Victor we wish you better health, and hopefully you and Theda can work out you differences. Maybe the Magic will return.............and we will see you on the Big Screen again!

[Tonyblack]

MYSTERI-US THEFT BAFFLES WATCH

A theft -ccured at the premesis -f The An-h-M-rp-r- Times last night that has left this paper and the Watch c-mpletely baffled.

The printing sheds in Gleam Street were f-rced -pen in the early h-urs -f the m-rning and certain pieces -f typeface were apparently st-len. In particular the letters between N and P and between J and L. All sizes and f-nts of these letters were ta-en and n-thing else.

These typefaces are made -f valuable lead but the fact that just these particular letters were ta-en and a whole alphabet were left behind is mysteri-us in the extreme.

The An-h-M-rp-r- Times is -ffering a reward -f AM$99+AM$1 f-r inf-rmati-n leading t- the rec-very -f the letters -r the apprehenti-n f the thieves.

Inf-rmati-n given will be dealt with in c-mplete secrecy.