Jokes - Part Deux

[spideyGirl]

My wife and daughters are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. They're all at the gate now. And they're off!!

[Homeless Hublander]

this one is long-winded and aint great, so sorry in advance
two men are walking through the local woods, and come acrass a HUGE hole.
They can't see the bottom so decide to try and guage the depth by throwing some gravel in.
they wait and wait and wait, but there's no sound.
next they try some pebbles, they wait again and still no sound.
next they get a rock the size of a fist, and as you''d expect no sound.
So they pick up a boulder the size of a rucksack and roll it in.....no sound.
In desperation one spots a rail tie sticking out of a bush, and they drag it across the floor, only managing to get it in.
a second later a sheep runs past and leaps, straight into the hole!
a (further) second after that, a farmer comes sprinting through the bushes, and asks, panting, "have you seen my sheep? he was tied to a rail tie!"

[Bouncy Castle]

A woman and her ever-nagging husband went on vacation in jerusalem.

While they were there, the husband passed away.

The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have him shipped back stateside for $5,000”.

The wife thought about it and told the undertaker she would have him shipped back home.

The undertaker asked her, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have him shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?".

The wife replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

[Tonyblack]

[deldaisy]

[deldaisy]

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

(Thanks Batty)

[Willem]

My wife and daughters are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. They're all at the gate now. And they're off!!

[deldaisy]

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

[Tonyblack]

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

I certainly have! And all those camera phones too.

Maybe the aliens were camera phone sales people who have now done their job.

[Willem]

Nobody's watching the skies anymore, they're all watching their phones

[deldaisy]

Nobody's watching the skies anymore, they're all watching their phones

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good point.

[Bouncy Castle]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,’ who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?

The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said "Well go ahead, I always wanted a Police Dog."

[De Lona Ranger]

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring man, all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

In due time, he passed away and the boys were intent on keeping their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat and set out to sea.

After a while Mick says, “D’ya tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?”

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

“Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row out some more.”

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, “D’ya tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?”
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No dis'll neva do.” The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is getting himself a little bit worried when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

“Well is it deep enuff now, Paddy?”

“Aye, dat it be. Now hand me da shovel!!.”

[pip]

Anti Irish Jokes . You must have got that one from bouncy

[De Lona Ranger]

If Bouncy can tell blonde jokes I can tell Irish jokes.........