Jan's Mended Drum RPG Game

[poohbcarrot]

Ach, Crivens! Ye wee elfin scunners. Youse better'n'not start with the fightin' or ye'll git such a kickin'.
Ay Bigjobs barkeepy felleh, I'm down 'ere. Giv us a pint o' sheep linament an' a deep fried Mars bar an' put it on the wee streak wi' glasses tab.
Hey, it's ol' Deathy! Hey Deathy, y'old bag-o-bones. Youse wanna go outside, for a beatin'? Waily, waily y' really makin' me keck me pannts - NOT!
Arghhh! Tis the hag o' hags sittin' o'er there!

[poohbcarrot]

She came from the frozen lands near the Hub. Dressed in blood red leather with matching wolf-killing crossbow slung nonchalantly across her back to complete the ensemble. Clothes stolen from the time she'd gone rogue, heartlessly leaving behind the people who had adored her, the children she had spawned and their illigitimate offspring. Although near perfect, her body had sadly let her down in the sight department, but with a pair of state-of-the-art Agatean glasses perched perkily on her nose, the problem had been rectified, whilst simultaneaously giving her an air of sophistication and intelligence.

She was no stranger to death, having witnessed on countless occaisions the final agonised flailings of her kills. Men would die for, and because, of her.

Her eyes burned with the fire of true fanaticism, that only belief in an uncaring and vengeful God could create. Her twisted and sick mind was spurred on by the mission her God had personally entrusted to her - nothing less than world domination.

She pushed open the door of the Drum, walked across the room to the bar and fixed the barkeeper with a look that didn't leave any options open to him.

"You wanna beer, lady?"

"You betcha! And give me one of them there mooseburgers, too."

[Tonyblack]

No wonder you got banned.

[poohbcarrot]

While all this was going on, the blood red leather-clad stranger sipped her beer. It tasted good. She bit into her mooseburger. It tasted, well, it tasted absolutely foul because it was made from moose.

The barkeeper spoke and 100 ears pricked up. (It was only 10 people, but Cyril "Nobbler" Nobbes happened to be showing of his collection of assorted barbarian ears at the time)
"So, pretty stranger. What name do you go by?"
"My friends call me Sarah. My enemies call me the Lipstick Pig but not for long."
"That's a long name. Is it hyphenated?"
"What?"
"You know, the Lipstick-Pig-but-not-for-long"
"No, no, no! My enemies call me the Lipstick Pig COMMA but not for long."
"That's even longer! You've just added another word. Are you allowed to do that?"
With the speed of a striking rattlesnake she grabbed the barkeeper's throat, and through clenched teeth she spat out,
"My enemies call me the Lipstick Pig COMMA but not for long COMMA because I kill them PERIOD. Understand QUESTION MARK?"
"OK, ok I geddit! No need for violence." said the panicked barkeeper as the vice-like grip loosened.
"Mind you, it's a good trick you've got there, clenching your teeth and spitting. You're not a ventriloquist, are you? Do you do children's parties, Ms Understand Question Mark?"
"No!"
"How about something on the house? Would you like a long comfortable screw?"
"I don't do fancy drinks, nor sexual innuendo. Now, shut up, go away and leave me alone you silly little man."

She leaned on the bar and surveyed the motley crew in the room.
"Oooh! They've got a heavy metal band," she thought to herself.
She wanted some action. She wanted someone to approach her, but would anyone have enough bottle to come over?

[poohbcarrot]

[the door of the drum bursts open and a massively built barbarian walks towards the bar using a broadsword to clean his finger nails,the bar ahead of him have seen it all before but there is something in his walk and demenour that make the punters shuffle rapidly to one side. when he arrives at the bar he slams a massive hand onto the bar and asks in the most effememinate voice youve ever heard "can i have a pink gin please"]

Red Sarah (aka the Lipstick Pig) cast an approving eye over the barbarian newcomer. She was looking for a running mate to help her achieve her God-given destiny and maybe, just maybe, this was the one.

Her mind wandered back to her past life in the frozen country of Lask. She was a Laskan, a fierce and proud people whose only major failing was their complete inability to give sensible names to the children they pupped on a more-than-regular basis. She thought about the five kids she'd left behind, Lap, Algebra, Sheffield, Cricket-Bat-Wood and Paper, and their father, Toad, a bearded dude who sadly preferred dog-sled racing to world domination.

She remembered reading about this carbuncle-on-the-backside-of-humanity city in her well-thumbed copy of the Caribou Barbie almanack (a useful guide to hunting, killing, skinning and gutting moose, then knitting up the intestines to make small girlie dolls for the children). She had read that all the women here were either wives, teachers or seamstresses (hem hem), so she needed a man, a hired thug to protect her back from the non-believers.

She sashayed over to the pink-gin-drinking barbarian, casually draped an arm round his massive shoulders and whispered into his cauliflower shell-like,

"Do I reckon we could conquer the world together? You betcha!"

("What do you mean, cursed?)

[poohbcarrot]

["no" he replies"but we could have a bloody good go tho as long as you can put up with this cursed squeaky voice of mine"

Red Sarah asks him "what do you mean cursed"
"Let me introduce myself before we go on the rampage, my name is venturer lux and i come from badass up in the ramtops,i served my time as a barbarian apprentice under the tutelage of the renowned cohen and learned all the dirty rotten tricks he would teach me with great relish.after i finishedmy time ,well i say finished my time ,the old bugger smacked me on the back of the head when i had a fist sized pearl in my hand when we where raiding a lost temple that we had found just off the rim.its taken me 3yrs to get back here,fighting and traipsing through every backwater town on this disc. I went home to badass before i came here and visited my poor aging mother who has just taken over as the village crone after the last one retired of good health. while i was home the village elder asked me to solve a problem,only a little one the devious turd said, as this man was a trusted friend of the family i agreed. He told me there was a wolf bothering the village livestock and could i sort it out fof them. As ive defeated everything that has stood before me but not always behind me,i went out that evening looking for the wolf with no idea id come back with this stupid voice"]

She looked at the barbarian and wondered to herself. "Venturer Lux? With a stupid name like that, was he really form Badass or another Laskan like her? (ed: see post two above this for silly names explanation) Had he really been named after a washing powder?"

"Fear not", said she, for mighty dread had seized his troubled mind. (ed: surely that's from a Christmas carol)
"Let us join hands and pray, PRAY! PRAY I TELL YOU! PRAY TO THE ONLY TRUE GOD!! PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS!! PRAY THAT YOUR DEVIL CURSE BE BANISH-ED!!!"
She knelt down on the sawdust floor, a beatified look of constipation appeared on her face, she mumbled some incomprehensible gibberish, and then............................................................nothing happened!

"Oh bugger, it never works!", she said, wiping away the froth from her mouth.
"Never mind, see that woman sitting over there dressed in black with a pointy hat? She might be able to help you because she's a hag, an Old Crone, A WITCH! A WITCH!! BURN HER!! BURN THE FOUL DAUGHTER OF SATAN!! LET HER ROAST IN THE FIRES OF ETERNAL DAMNATION FOREVER!!!

The Drum fell silent.

"Um....er....sorry! I did it again, didn't I? I got carried away again, didn't I?", she said while dabbing the flecks of froth off the barbarian's tunic with her moose-skin hankerchief.
"Well, be a good barbarian and run along to see the witch, WITCH! WITCH!! CLEANSE THE HERETICAL NON-BELIEVER WITH FIRE !!!

[chris.ph]

have you been smokin sushi again pooh

[poohbcarrot]

I've been mainlining bashashi!

[Jan Van Quirm]

And gods do we know it!

He's quoting himself out of context too! My response to his first Feegle post (which occasioned a 'Hey that's dodgy canon and doesnt make sense' row in the off thread thread - not by me I hasten to add )

"Arghhh! Tis the hag o' hags sittin' o'er there!"
Despite being very small in stature the Feegles had 'carrying' voices and Granny instantly stiffened as her glare swept barwards like a stooping raptors. Now this just had to be the very last straw - why of all the sleazy taverns in this sleazy town did that little streak of blue aggravation have to pick on this one!

and what ought to have been post 2

The bottle of sheep linament and Mars bar disappeared as if by magic, followed by a flash of blue and the Feegle was gone!

THEN we get onto Red Sarah aka the Lipstick Pig...
... Post 2 of which was also air-brushed in 2 places for unacceptable language in the presence of a minor (or blatant innuendo that I can't even repeat in here as I see he's had the grace to keep to the censored version himself *wags finger severely* PMSL


chris and pooh - am moving some of my lot out into the Adults Only forum as this isn't good for my blood pressure anticipating the next onslaught of totally funny but frankly grubby posting going on in there...
Lads I was thinking of moving the BD in there but had a slightly better idea (I think) as some of us are headed for Biers now so we'll do that for now until opening and you can bring the Pig and Lux over there if you like or do something Uberwaldian in the big boys and girlies playground where it doesn't matter how much flamin' bashashi Mr Pottymouth's been on

Anyone who thinks this is a shameful plug - it wasn't my idea! But please do look at the Were Guinea-Pigs thread if you want to join in

[poohbcarrot]

My apologies Dinneleth. As I've only been rping for 5 days, there's bound to be a few mistakes I make. I'm sure when you started there were mistakes you made too. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to use real people.

Ms Palin (God bless her!) has gone, and from now on I will stick to Discworld related persona. If the overseers could remove the offensive picture I posted of Ms Palin (God bless her!) I would appreciate it. I really don't know what came over me. My only excuse is that I was slightly tipsy when I made the post. That demon drink is a mocker! I fully understand what a wonderful and committed woman Ms Palin (God bless her!) is, and I would definitely vote for her if I were American.

The Ms Palin (God bless her!) character has been substituted with a sexy Omnian nun whose name is Sharon-smite-the-ungodly-with-explanatory-leaflets. I'm sure you'll have no absolutely no problems with this new character.

Once again, please accept my abject and humble apologies. I agree with you that what is wrong with the US is the Liberal media eg; those commie pinkoes at Fox News. If only more people followed Rush Limbaugh and prayed that the Obama would fail, then the US would be a different country.

[Dotsie]

It sounds like you're making lots of new friends over there Pooh - just don't forget about us non-rpers!

[poohbcarrot]

At the rate I'm going I'll last another week at the most! Anyway, for the time being it's funny! (and I've still posted more here today than you have!)

So why DO Discworld books in the US have crap covers? Is that TP's idea or the publishers?

[Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit]

It helps if you just think about the US publishers as being mostly like Hollywood. :makes the sign of the cross, just in case:

[poohbcarrot]

You have to join Jan's forum just to see the last 5 comments on the Mended Drum OOC thread. You will laugh your socks off. I'm crying with laughter!

[chris.ph]

im a complete novice to rpgs and i read not write good laugh tho, ive now had several beers so i might go and make my next contribution