This is inspired by the general style of the articles of Cracked.com
The Ender's Game movie is set to release sometime in 2012, coinciding, symbolically enough, with the supposed end of the world. By now most people are aware that the author of the book the movie's based on is incredibly homophobic and has more screws loose than a screw...factory (shut up).
Expect petitions from Gay Rights activists and even more petitions from the same people who considered Watchmen unfilmable. But, what if Orson Scott Card isn't sabotaging himself?
5: Orson Scott Card is an insanely good writer.
Whatever political party you belong to, whatever beliefs you hold dear, the fact of the matter is that Orson can write and he can write damn well.
Except when it comes to Iron Man.
So the man has won several awards and has topped the New York Times' best seller list half a dozen times. So, if your average joe is thumbing through his/her local library (Americans do go to the library. Shut up.) chances are they'll pick up the book that has the 'Hugo Winner' stamp on it.
Either that or another Star Wars 'Expanded Universe' novel.
4: Most Americans are homophobic.
Most Americans are, at least, secretly homophobic, and not in the 'two dudes kissing makes my slightly uncomfortable' way, either. So you hear about this Orson Scott Card person and how he really, really hates gay people and also that he's considered one of the best Science Fiction authors ever, even by those dirty birdy Democrats!
The weird thing will be when they start reading Dune and watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine while quoting Asimov. Who knows, by 2042 the next Bill O'Reilly could end up looking like George Lucas.
He'll still hate gay people, though.
3: History tends to gloss over the politics and personalities of its authors.
Quick! What's the first five things you think about when you hear the name H.P. Lovecraft? Probably terrible merchandise and some of the scariest shit ever written. Now, how many of you remember how racist the actual person was? Would it have stopped you from reading his books? No, not really.
That's the funny thing about authors: their work is always judged seperately from the actual person who wrote it (except Hitler) and, if it's as well-written as Ender's Game or The Hobbit, will outlive the author by centuries. Of course, like Cthulhu , it'll eventually get merchandised to death.
2: Orson Scott Card sounds way too insane to be taken seriously anyway.
Remember how I said that homophobes would love hearing that Orson Scott Card also hates gay people? Well, Orson also said that he'd be more than willing to start a Civil War if gay marriage was ever legalized.
To any homophobes reading this right now, I have to ask you this: Civil War? Seriously? You'd be willing to risk the lives of yourself, your friends and entire family just so you won't have to see a gay wedding for all of one second on TV before changing the channel in digust? Really?
Of course this doesn't really hurt Orson all that much because crazy people have a history of being extremely talented...when they don't turn out to be serial killers or serial killers that other serial killers or...okay, well, that's bull but most people seem to innately think that crazy equals crazy talented, and Orson has crazy in spades.
Now all he needs to do is cut off an ear.
1: People have died waiting for the Ender's Game movie.
We've all been waiting for an Ender's Game movie since the days when Star Wars was cool. Even now I'm sure there are at least a thousand republicans and democrats waiting for this thing to come out and internet movie reviewers ready to tear it to pieces if it isn't perfect. There are those out there who claim they won't see it because the money will go to a man who donates large amounts to an anti gay marriage organization but you know, deep down, you'll go see it.
Because if there's one thing were good at here in America it's apathy. Now if you'll excuse me I have to not donate to the 'Save Cute Puppies' society.[/i]
