No news at all yet as far as I know.Byakuran wrote:
I didn't actually know there was a Going Postal film coming out... any news on who will be playing in it??
He's been in loads of things including The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Muppets Treasure Island.WannabeAngua wrote:
And by the way, where the heck have I seen Tim Curry before?? It's totally slipped my mind and I wont be able to sleep before I remember it
mspanners wrote:And I am sure Vetinari (And I am assuming the tall thin chap with the small Dog who said "Don't let Me detain you." was Him) was Not in the early books.
The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork smiled, but with
his mouth only.
"The Hub Gate, you say?' he murmured.
The guard captain saluted smartly. "Aye, lord. We
had to shoot the horse before he would stop.'
'Which, by a fairly direct route, brings you here,'
said the Patrician, looking down at Rincewind.
"And what have you got to say for yourself?'
It was rumoured that an entire wing of the
Patrician's palace was filled with clerks who spent
their days collating and updating all the
information collected by their maSter's exquisitely organized
spy system. Rincewind didn't doubt it. He' glanced
towards the balcony that ran down one side of the
audience room. A sudden run, a nimble jump - a
sudden hail of crossbow quarrels. He shuddered.
The Patrician cradled his chins in a beringed
hand, and regarded the wizard with eyes as small
and hard as beads.
"Let me see,' he said. "Oathbreaking, the theft of a
horse, uttering false coinage - yes, I think it's the
Arena for you, Rincewind.'
This was too much.
"i didn't steal the horse! I bought it fairly!'
"But with false coinage. Technical theft, you see.'
"But those rhinu are solid gold!'
"Rhinu?' The Patrician rolled one of them around
in his thick fingers. "is that what they are called?
How interesting. But, as you point out, they are not
very similar to dollars . . .'
.Well, of course they're not-'
'Ah you admit it, then?'
Rincewind opened his mouth to speak, thought
better of it, and shut it again.
.Quite so. And on top of these there is, of course, the
moral obloquy attendant on the cowardly betrayal
of a visitor to this shore. For shame, Rincewind! ' The Patrician waved a
hand vaguely. The guards
behind Rincewind backed away, and their captain
took a few paces to the right. Rincewind suddenly
felt very alone.
It is said that when a wizard is about to die Death
himself turns up to claim him ( instead of delegating
the task to a subordinate, such as Disease or
Famine, as is usually the case). Rincewind looked
around nervously for a tall figure in black( wizards,
even failed wizards, have in addition to rods and
cones in their eyeballs the tiny octagons that enable
them to see into the far octarine, the basic colour of
which all other colours are merely pale shadows
impinging on normal four-dimensional space. It is
said to be a sort of fluorescent greenish-yellow
Was that a flickering shadow in the corner?
'Of course,' said the Patrician, "i could be
merciful.' The shadow disappeared. Rincewind looked up
an expression of insane hope on his face.
'Yes?' he said.
The Patrician waved a hand again. Rincewind
saw the guards leave the chamber. Alone with the
"lord of the twin cities, he almost wished they
would come back.
"Come hither, Rincewind,' said the Patrician. He
indicated a bowl of savouries on a low onyx table by
the throne. "Would you care for a crystallised
jellyfish? No'. "Um ' said RinceWind,
"Now I want you to listen very carefully to what I
am about to say,' said the Patrician amiably,
'otherwise you will die. In an interesting fashion.
Over a period. Please stop fidgetting like that.
"Since you are a wizard of sorts, you are of course
aware that we live upon a world shaped, as it were,
like a disc? And that there is said to exist, towards
the far rim, a continent which though small is equal
in weight to all the mighty landmasses in this
hemicircle? And that this, according to ancient legend, is
because it is largely made of gold?'
Rincewind nodded. Who hadn't heard of the
Counterweight Continent? Some sailors even
believed the childhood tales and sailed in search of it.
Of course, they returned either empty handed or not
at all. Probably eaten by giant turtles, in the
opinion of more serious mariners. Because, of
course, the Counterweight Continent was nothing
more than a solar myth.
"it does, of course, exist,' said the Patrician
"Although it is not made of gold, it is true that gold is
a very common metal there. Most of the mass is
made up by vast deposits of octiron deep within the
crust. Now it will be obvious to an incisive mind like
yours that the existence of the Counterweight
Continent poses a deadly threat to our people
here' he paused, looking at Rincewind's open
mouth. He sighed. He said, do you by some chance
fail to follow me?'
"Yarrg, said Rincewind. He swallowed, and
licked his lips. "i mean, no. I mean - well, gold . . .'
"i see,' said the Patrician sweetly. "You feel,
perhaps, that it would be a marvellous thing to go to
the Counterweight Continent and bring back a
shipload of gold?'
Rincewind had a feeling that some sort of trap
was being set.
''Yes?' he ventured.
'And if' every man on the shores of the Circle Sea
had a mountain of gold of his own? Would that be a
good thing? What would happen? think carefully.'
Rincewind's brow furrowed. He thought. "We'd all
be rich?' The way the temperature fell at his remark told
him that it was not the correct one.
"i may as well tell you, Rincewind, that there is
some contact between the Lords of the Circle Sea
and the Emperor of the Agatean Empire, as it is
Styled,' the Patrician went on. it is only very slight
There is little common ground between us. We have
nothing they want, and they have nothing we can
afford. It is an old Empire, Rincewind. Old and
cunning and cruel and very, very rich. So we
exchange fraternal greetings by albatross mail. At
"one such letter arrived this morning. A subject of
the Emperor appears to have taken it into his head
to visit our city. It appears he wishes to look at it.
Only a madman would possibly undergo all the
privationS of crossing the Turnwise Ocean in order
to merely look at anything. However.
he landed this morning. He might have met a
great hero, or the cunningest of thieves, or some
wise and great sage. He met you. He has employed
you as a guide. You will be a guide, Rincewind, to
thiS looker, this Twoflower. You will see that' he
returns home with a good report of our little
homeland. What do you say to that?'
"Er. Thank you, lord,' said Rincewind miserably.
"There iS another point, of course. It would be a
tragedy should anything untoward happen to our
little visitor. It would be dreadful if he were to die,
for example. Dreadful for the whole of our land,
because the Agatean Emperor looks after his own
and could certainly extinguish us at a nod. A mere
nod. And that would be dreadful for you, Rincewind,
because in the weeks that remained before the
Empire's huge mercenary fleet arrived certain of
my servants would occupy themselves about your
person in the hope that the avenging captains, on
their arrival, might find their anger tempered by
the sight of your still-living body. There are certain
spells that can prevent the life departing from a
body,be it never so abused, and- i see by your face
that understanding dawns?'
"I beg your pardon?'
"Yes, lord. I'll, er, see to it, I mean, I'll endeavour to
see, I mean, well, I'll try to look after him and see he
comes to no harm.' And after that I'll get a job
juggling snowballs through Hell, he added bitterly
in the privacy of his own skull.
"Capital! I gather already that you and Twoflower
are on the best of terms. An excellent beginning
When he returns safely to his homeland you will not
find me ungrateful. I shall probably even dismiss
the charges against you. Thank you, Rincewind.
You may go.'
Rincewind decided not to ask for the return of his
five remaining rhinu. He backed away, cautiously.
"oh, and there is one other thing,' the Patrician
said, as the wizard groped for the door handles.
"Yes, lord?' he replied, with a sinking heart.
"i'm sure you won't dream of trying to escape from
your obligations by fleeing the city. I judge you to be
a born city person. But you may be sure that the
lords of the other cities will be appraised of these
conditions by nightfall.'
"i assure you the thought never even crossed my
"indeed? Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander"
Gorphal picked up the parchment and raised one eyebrow slightly when he saw the familiar ideograms of the Golden Empire.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests