Ankh-Morpork Times (Editor's Desk)

[Tonyblack]

The Ankh-Morpork Times

I had this idea that I thought might be fun and creative. This thread is the editing desk of the A-M Times and we are all Discworld citizens making contributions.

The items that you post can be all sorts: an article about things happening in the city, a sports report, a letter to the editor, an advertisement – anything that you might find in the A-M Times.

Be inventive and have fun.

Here’s an advertisement that I’ve come up with:



Instructive! Interesting!! Fulfilling!!!

Come and spend time on a working holiday in the Ramtops Cultural Centre!

Centred in a forest setting just one mile from the picturesque hamlet of Bad Ass in the Kingdom of Lancre our staff will instruct you in such useful folk crafts as goat husbandry, thatching, privy digging and the collecting of (mostly) apples to make the traditional mountain spirit of Scumble.

Apply now to make sure of a place. The holiday costs just AM$50 per person* (non-refundable).

Applications by Clacks to greebo’smum@cmail.lancre

We’ll have a warm welcome waiting for you!




*All fees must be made in advance and are non-refundable. Does not include transport to and from the Cultural Centre. Please note that the organisers except no responsibilty for illness, injury or death sustained by visitors, nor does it include damage or theft of property. We also accept no responsibility for visitors being turned into amphibians or rodents. 'Not knowing' is NOT an excuse. Local laws forbid the imbibing of scumble by outsiders. The mentioning of the secret locations of the scumble distilleries to officers of the law and/or Revenuemen will be seen as an act of hostility by locals, so don't say you weren't warned. Moaning and griping about conditions at the Cultural Centre will not be tollerated and unless the visitors want to spend their whole visit sitting on a lilypad and eating flies, they had better not! No one likes a snitch and especially not a poncy city snitch. These disclaimers do not effect your legal rights.**


**You haven't got any.

[TheMole]

Dear Sirs, I would like to protest in strongest posible terms against too much asasins in our beutiful city!!!
A honest man is nowadays realy afraid to walk down the streets without danger of being killed!!!!!
Asasins Guild is laughing at us and the governement does nothing!!!!
I think this is really a shame.

One of proud sitizens of the city!

[Jarmara]

A-M Suicide Rate At All Time High

A spate of recent suicides have ensured that Anhk-Morpork has seen another record breaking year for self-imposed vital deficet.

On thursday alone, two tourists were noticed to be carrying large sums of money and imp-powered devices while soaking up the atmosphere of the Shades, one barbarian hero introduced himself in the Mended Drum as Yarg the Invincible and there were 3 cases of 'acquiring the services of a seamstress without means to pay'.

There is also a suspicion that Lord Vetinari's decison to extend the current laws for Mime Artists to Living Statues and men with guitar and 'singing' dog may have contributed to the figures.

Commander Vimes of the City Watch was too bloody busy doing important things to make a statement to the Times.

[Tonyblack]

Those are great! Keep them coming!

[Dotsie]

BURGLARY AT PORK FUTURES WAREHOUSE

Watch baffled – “No leads” says Sgt Colon (59)

Watchmen are said to be stumped at the discovery last night of a break-in at the pork futures warehouse. Potentially, pork bellies were stolen to the value of AM$400. The City Watch claims the case has been made more difficult by the fact that the burglary probably hasn’t happened yet, and may occur as late as next Grune.

His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes (57) told our reporter “We’ll find out who’s going to be responsible just as soon as we’ve solved all the murders. Now b*gger off”.

Turn to page eight for an amusing political cartoon of Sir Samuel “saving our bacon”.

[Tonyblack]

PMSL

[TheMole]

Dear Sirs,
I can say without doubt that I like your Times. I find your humorously shaped vegetable amusing and every day I am looking forward to a new hilarious cartoon of Sir Vimes.
But yesterday you really made me mad as a wet hen. You wrote that I had hit my neighbour several times with an iron rod.
I must protest in strongest possible terms against this utter and shameful lie.
I demand an apologize, otherwise I would present my case to Mr. Slant who is my good friend.
I would never, NEVER hit ANYBODY with an iron rod.

In fact, it was a wooden club.

Yours sincerely

Titus Gorgonblast

[Bickaxe]

Dear Sirs,

In response to Mr TheMole's letter dated 01 Sektober, I would like to correct him and others who have a problem with The Guild.
We do not kill people willy-nilly but accept contracts for which others have paid. We will only accept contracts on those with a means to defend themselves. We consider owning a knife a means to defend yourself.
If Mr TheMole or any other citizens have been a victim of a contract, we would be delighted to address the situation in my office over tea and cake at any time convenient to themselves.

Yours,

Lord Downey
The Guild of Assassins
Filigree Street
Ankh-Morpork

[Tonyblack]

Dear sirs,

In response to Lord Downey's recent letter I would like to ask him and his guild this question: What about those of us too poor to use their services?

I feel the the Guild of Assassins has become somewhat 'elite' only catering for the richer citizens of the city. Some of the poorer members of this society have 'problems' we'll like to get the guild to solve, but simply cannot afford the ridiculously high fees required.

Can I humbly suggest that a sort of hire purchase service be introduced by the guild - a 'die now pay later' type of arrangement?

Maybe cheaper contracts could be arranged by using apprentices, as this would solve the problem of the high fees and give the young men (and ladies) valuable 'on-the-job' experience.

Yours faithfully,

Name & Address supplied

[TheMole]

Yesterday, shocking scandal hit Ankh-Morpork restaurant "Le Foie Heureux" after a complaint made by Ankh-Morpork Taxmaster Moist von Lipwig who claimed that he had found aglets in his Spaghetti Carbonara.

The City Watch immediately closed the restaurant and after some time released a statement that "all the meals in restaurant were made of boots, shoes, shoelaces, mud, and similar disgusting things".

The Manager and the Chef were arrested because they´ve been trying to explain the scandal with laughable and unbelievable story of last year´s Hogswatch. The Chef was also accused of cheekiness against officer of the Law because he had said "Isn't there an old proverb that says a man must eat a bushel of dirt before he dies?"

His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes (57) told our reporter "Oh no, not you buggers again?"

Turn to page eight for an amusing political cartoon of Sir Samuel eating a bushel of dirt.

[mspanners]

Researchers at the Chelonian institute of affaires Unseen University ankh morpork have , after studying iconographs from the incident of the Hatching captured by the Counter Weight continent tourist Twoflower come to the conclusion that the Great Atuin is,in fact, Female and the this may be a problem for the inhabitants in the not to distant future.
Professor Ponder Stibbons has recently pointed out at a UU open day meeting that if this is the case then instinct will drive the Great Atuin to search out a mate, and in the normal way of things mate.
Unfortunately for us, this will involve a Chelonian Male mounting Great Atuin and possibly pushing the Disc off the backs of the Four elephants!
The next Big Bang for the Turtle may be the end for US..........but don't despair as the chaps at UU are researching this problem and believe that we have at least 20 Years before this is likely to happen and are working on a way to try to discourage the Great Atuin from mating by pouring hormones over the edge of the world into Her face and thus disrupting the mating cycle.
Only time will tell if this approach will work.

[Tonyblack]

Those are great guys!

[mspanners]

More news from UU Magical research departments, after much study the researchers at UU had come to the conclusion that Human kind are near the end of their evolutionary tree and face extinction.

On what do they base this Theorem you may ask and it is an obvious one.

In recorded History Death has always appeared as a Human Skellington of basically Modern Man. But as Death spans all the corners of time and space why is he basically the same as modern man is today? (Although he is quit a bit taller).

He would need to look like the ultimate evolved form of a spices else the last members of that species would not take his appearance seriously, for instance if he had taken the appearance of an ape man then we would not take any notice of him, it would be a joke.

So an number of theory's have been put forward by the rotund members of UU.

We are near the end of our time on the disc, Death did not need to take on a future from of mankind because there is not one.

Evolution is bunkum ,arch chancellor ridcully backs this idea, man is and has always and always will be the same as today's form.

Death just like the look of the thing,the future humans with compound eyes and six pairs of hands just looks silly to Him!

Take your pick!!!!!!!

[mspanners]

Even more news from UU,research in the new field of gas dynamics has discovered why a Witch can fly a broom stick.

With the aid of the UU new gas flow generator (a tunnel in which and object is placed and then subjected to high speed gas emanation created by large platters of beans and a few of the UU volunteers) it has been found that the either (Air) is force to go around the hulk of the Witch. This has the effect of causing the either to thin above the Witch/Broom combination where the majority of the bulk of the witch is exposed. This generates a tugging upwards and flight.

This idea may shed some light on the problem some of the thinner Witch's have reported to the Dwarf works at the Copperhead Broomstick Company. A thinner Witch doesn't cause as much of the either to go a round and thus generates lower tugging effect. It is only when the thin Witch has plunged over a cliff that the passing of gasses over the piloting witch is fast enough to tug Her into the atmosphere.

If this true the it will open up whole new opportunities in the Travail industry.Get a Troll to whittle a large witch/broom shape out of a covenant tree and when you need a trip a long way a way just un-tether the thing an hop on the back and off you go.........just don't forget to sent a post card to the paper.

And Go slowly as shock waves will build up in front as you startle people who never spotted your aproach.No one like fists being waved at them.

[Tonyblack]

DEAR SIRS,

IN RESPONSE TO YOUR RECENT REPORT CONCERNING THE EVOLUTIONARY 'DEAD' END OF HUMANITY AS EXPOSED BY THE 'WIZARDS' AT UU I WISH TO DRAW THEIR ATTENTION TO A SPECIFIC FAULT IN THEIR REASONING.

THEIR THEORY THAT I... I MEAN DEATH APPEARS AS A SKELETON OF MODERN MAN AND NOT AS AN ADVANCED FORM OF MAN AS MIGHT BE EXPERIENCED BY A FUTURE EVOLUTION, THEREFORE THERE IS NO FUTURE EVOLUTION IS HUMBUG.

THE PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH IS CREATED AND SHAPED BY THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING DEATH. THEREFORE IT FOLLOWS THAT ANY FUTURE EVOLUTIONS OF MAN WOULD SHAPE THEIR OWN PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH.

WIZARDS HUH! WHAT DO THEY KNOW!

YOURS EVENTUALLY,

MR G REAPER.