Good morning boys and girls, I trust you all slept well and are ready of another day of ruthless back-stabbing and inhuman inhumation.
First I have some tragic news. Jan the Quirm Strangler is sadly no longer with us. She was viciously attacked last night in Wigblock Prior with a yoyo and was mortally wounded. Although it took her approximately 7 hours & 34 minutes to die, she spent her last hours in a state of delerium, rambling like a mad woman. For the record, she was completely innocent and had no role to play.
So let's have a short moment of silence as we remember our beloved Jan
.......there, that should be long enough!
Now let's take the register. Will all those present please answer "Yes, Sir!".
(He's not here sir!)
Ah yes, I remember. Mrs Massive Mummy sent me a sick note saying he couldn't attend yesterday owing to a severe attack of Vomitting Pooh Flu.
(Not here sir!)
Ah yes. Another Pooh Flu sufferer.
(Not here sir!)
Ah yes. She's currently perched on top of a telegraph pole as the flood waters swirl all around.
Well at least Dotsie is here. I can see her. Thanks for the lovely apple Dotsie. Dotsie, are you asleep?
(She's dead sir!)
Dead? are you quite sure?
(Usually people's heads are attached to their bodies, sir. It's only her head. There's no sign of her body, sir.)
Someone has decapitated Decapitating Dotsie!
How could anyone have done this to poor Dotsie, who was completely innocent and had no role to play.
It is a sad, sad day for all of us.
Anyway, moving swiftly on to more important matters. It has come to my attention that one of you was seen chewing gum. May I remind you that you are all assassins. Assassins DO NOT chew gum. It is not stylish. Kindly desist.
Right! That's all from me. Good luck to you all.
Oh...and somebody clear up that head, will you? It's bleeding everywhere.