Your Writings

[chris.ph]

well worth the wait mspanners

[Tonyblack]

Man! I haven't been able to acces this bit of the site all afternoon. And then my Internet connection went totally screwy.

Fingers crossed that it's ok now.

[Tiffany]

I did enjoy reading that story mspanners. Glad you managed to post it, it was worth the wait.

[cols]

Truely brilliant. Well done and thanks for posting it msspanners

[mspanners]

Glad you all liked it, if anyone else out there want's to have a go at writing their return trip please feel free to post it here............

At the moment I am working on writing another short story about the Disc (actually I have 3 ideas but can only work on one at a time, and in my spare time, or I get the stories lines confused!) so feel free to finish there trip if anyone is up to the challenge .............?

[chris.ph]

i think i will leave it to you matey

[Kade]

Wow mspanners, I guess there are those of us who can write and those of us who are more adept to being the appreciative readers - while you obviously fit quite snugly into the first, I have a seat reserved in the latter.

I’m hopelessly dumb with imaginative writing and manage to confuse myself just writing letters, the fact that I use spell check and the thesaurus religiously show that while I have a great imagination, writing is a skill that I haven’t mastered – we will not even get started on punctuation which I am sure is somehow important and I therefore on principle try to slap in every now and then

[poohbcarrot]

Seven years ago I had a bet with a Canadian friend. Whoever could write the best 3000 word story would win a six-pack.

As nobody has ever seen it since then, I thought I'd make you all suffer.

THE NEW TEACHERS' PARTY

INTRO

The following story stems from the ramblings of a bitter and twisted, sad old man who has been in Japan way too long. The story is based on my perceptions of Japan, through the things I've seen and done, and the people I've met.
In parts it is quite offensive so if you are of a delicate disposition, f#%k off and don't read it!

[poohbcarrot]

PART 1

"My hovercraft is full of eels"

(that surely can't be the right translation)
"Pardon?"

"The ibex plays frisbee in stormy weather"

(I still have absolutely no idea what she's talking about)
"English please"

"I you fun nice teacher pleasant time have lesson together"

(Ah! Now I understand)
"You liked our lesson together"

"So so so so. The cauliflower is moulting"

"What?"

"Did you lived Japan how long?"

"Seven years"

"Together good more lesson have yes"

"I'll do my best"

What is the point in having a Japanese English teacher who can't speak English? What next? An agorophobic geography teacher? A science teacher who believes in Creationism?

Let me introduce myself. I am a "gaijin" and I live in Japan. Actually, strictly speaking I'm a "Gai-koku-jin" because "gaijin" is a bit insulting. Roughly translated "gaijin" means;

"Stinking, hairy, foreign, barbarian devil from another planet"

Whereas "gai-koku-jin" means;

"Stinking, hairy, foreign, barbarian devil from another country"

At a ski ground I was once called "gaijin-sama" which means;

"Mr Honourable stinking, hairy, foreign, barbarian from another planet" (Japanese people are very polite)

It is at this present juncture that I hear you ask, "Why have you lived in Japan for seven years but can't speak the language?" Well several reason spring to mind;

1. Even though I studied French and German at school, I'm crap at languages.
2. I'm a lazy git.
3. Japanese is bloody difficult.
4. I'm an English teacher so I always speak English.

Even if I could speak the language fluently, because I'm a "gaijin", people would assume I couldn't speak a word of Japanese, so still wouldn't understand me.

Example (in Japanese)

"Excuse me, where's the station?"
"I don't understand"
"Where's the station?"
"I don't understand"
"Where's the station?"
"I don't understand"
"WHERE'S THE STATION?"
"Oh.....where's the station?"
"That's what I've been saying!"
"The station......um....go that way and ask someone else"
(Japanese people have an inability to say, "I don't know" and will do their best to be helpful even if they don't have a clue.)

Incidently, when you first learn Japanese you learn the polite form of the language. Unfortunately, 99% of the time everyone speaks a more casual form of Japanese, so unless you're talking to the Emperor, your Japanese is about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking-party.

Example (in Japanese)

"Yo! Gaijin dude! Howz it hangin' bro?"

"Absolutely top-hole. Awfully decent of you to ask old boy. Simply spiffing and pip-pip don't you know. Positively splendid to meet you jolly chap"

"Gaijin dude, why y'all talkin' like some crazy mutha?

[poohbcarrot]

PART 2

Anyway, getting back to the story, I had just started a new job as an Assistant English teacher (AET) at a junior high school and tonight was the "new teachers' party", a week after term had started. Being an AET must be one of the easiest jobs in the world. AETs get paid pots of dosh for getting students to repeat the word "carrot". AETs are basically pet-gaijin-tape-recorders. If stress were food, my life would be porridge. (Terry Pratchett). Having said this, some AETs still unbelievably manage to make a complete dog's breakfast of the job and somehow manage to derail the gravy train just as it's leaving mashed-potato junction.

The most important thing to do first is to get on well with all the other teachers. I had already memorized all their names and faces and after finishing my conversation with my non-English-speaking-Japanese-English teacher, I went walk-about.

I grabbed a bottle of beer and a bottle of oulon tea (a non-alcohlic drink made from tyres) and started going round the tables. To pour your own drink in Japan is a social faux pas equivalent to groping the Queen.

"Tanaka teacher, please"
(stares in amazement, holds out glass and I fill it up)
"You know my name?"
"I do my best"

"Sakura teacher, please"
(stares in amazement, holds out glass and I fill it up)
"Lemons wilt under the sun lamp of history"
"I do my best"

At this point I must go off on a tangent and explain the two underlying principles that are the duct tape that hold Japanese society together;

1. Gambaru = to do one's best

An English man in a crappy low-paid job won't give a toss about the work, will try to bunk off and skive at every possible chance, will have no respect for his superiors and will gladly tell them to stick the job up their bums, will take every personal holiday available and loads of sick days too.
In short, he works to live, but is not "gambaru-ing"

A Japanese man in a crappy low-paid job WILL give a toss about the work, will gladly work unpaid overtime, would rather slit his own belly open than be disrespectful to his superiors, won't take all his allotted holidays and if he misses a day through illness, will count it as a personal holiday.
In short, he lives to work, he is "gambaru-ing"

Japanese Junior High school teachers are supposed to be in school between 8am to 6pm. This is what they get paid for. However, ALL teachers will be there by 7am at the very latest and won't leave until at least 8pm. Of course AETs can leave at 5pm but must say in a loud clear voice by the door,
"Osakini stretch mas" (Excuse me for being rude, but I'm leaving early)

2. Jan Ken Poi = the rock paper scissors game

The second most important part of Japanese life is Jan Ken Poi. When you were a child, you probably played this game a couple of times at the most. In Japan EVERYONE plays it ALL the time. Heaven forbid someone makes a decision based on their own free will.

"If I win we'll send food and money to all the starving people in the world and make everyone really happy. If you win we'll bomb Pearl Harbour. Jan...Ken...Poi. Bugger! I lost"

[poohbcarrot]

PART 3

Surprisingly, the national sport of Japan isn't Sumo, Karate, or Judo - it's baseball. The unofficial national sport of Japan is getting so blind drunk you can't even stand up. Most Japanese men drink every day (even if they don't want to). After work the average salaryman HAS TO go to a restaurant with his boss and HAS TO drink copious amounts of beer/sake/whisky. Japanese people get drunk very quickly, but unlike their British counterparts, do not resort to mindless acts of violence, vandalism or theft. Only three things ever get stolen in Japan - bicycles, umbrellas and gaijin women's panties (see later). The only time I've ever felt in danger was when I watched the Chelsea v Boro FA Cup final in a bar in Tokyo full of drunken Englishmen.

The collective noun to describe a group of drunken salarymen is a "vomit". Every weekday evening the streets are crowded with vomits of salarymen staggering round in various stages of inebriation. The trains all smell like breweries and watching everybody get off the train and wobble to the ticket barrier is a sight not to be missed.

"Good evening racing fans everywhere. Welcome to the 9:30 ticket barrier dash live from Chiba station. This is a 200 metre handicapped (by drink) race for red-faced salarymen.

And the train's pulling in......they're under starters orders.....the doors are opening....and they're off!
Straight away the first to show is Suzuki, but where's Akashi the pre-race favourite? Oh what a pity...he's still asleep on the train so he missed the start, and his stop.
It's still Suzuki leading but he's starting to wobble. And what's Tanaka doing? Oh my word, he's going the wrong way - the exit's this way. Oh no, would you believe it? Suzuki's fallen. He wobbled too much, cannoned off a vending machine and collapsed in a heap, bringing Shimoda down with him. And Shimoda's just thrown up. Nakano bravely tries to avoid the pool of vomit but he has no lower limb co-ordination, stands in it, slips and crashes spectacularly. Yoshida is the new leader and he's looking good, but what's this? Oh no it's a gaijin. Yoshida spent his entire school life without speaking a word of English, but now because he's drunk, he's trying to strike up a conversation.
The race is wide open again with Nemoto just ahead of Yamaguchi. But what's happening now?I don't believe it! Yamaguchi has stopped to have a pee on the platform.
It's Nemoto who reaches the steps first followed by Kato and Shimizu. But Kato and Shimizu have stopped and are now complaining to each other about their wives and their jobs.
Surely nothing can stop Nemoto now. I don't believe it! A spunky high school girl wearing a ridiculously short skirt, is going up the steps very slowly while sending a text on her mobile and doesn't realise that everyone behind her can see her underwear. Nemoto has slowed down so he's walking directly behind her, tongue dragging on the ground and drooling as he stares at her pants. And now he's started to masturbate. What a tradegy.
Matsumura takes the lead and is the first to reach the ticket barrier. Only something stupid can stop him now. He's put his ticket into the machine - unbelieveable! He forgot to fare adjust and can't get through.
Here comes Watanabe, what a chance! No! He can't find his ticket. He's looking in all his pockets...but here comes Shoji, he gets the ticket in the slot at the third attempt and it's all over. What a come from behind win for Shoji. And what a come from behind from Nemoto.
Well that's all folks, see you tomorrow (and everyday) at the same time".

To be continued......

[Tonyblack]

Oh this is really good! Nice one Pooh - looking forward to more.

[mspanners]

Japanese translate not English to in... Bugrit, millennium hand an' shrimp.

[poohbcarrot]

The trouble with this thread is that nobody reads it coz it's so far down.

[Tonyblack]

I don't know about that. For some reason I have trouble opening this thread. It shows four pages but if I click on page 4 it says that no topic exists. I have to go to page 3 to open it.