Amazing Pooh Carrot - 2 Full Chapters

Moderators: Jason, Toothy, Tonyblack

Amazing Pooh Carrot - 2 Full Chapters

Postby poohcarrot » Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:59 am

Repent or Die - Week 2

As the curtains drew back, the huge, packed auditorium was filled with a deathly silence. The stage was bathed in a warm, pink glow of artificial twilight, and dry ice billowed and curled, cascading eerily into the front rows of the expectant audience. An ever-lasting synthesized chord of music began quietly, then began to increase in volume indicating the show was about to start. Momentarily the sound was drowned out by the ten thousand people crowd getting down on their knees in preperation. Then a solitary white hot spotlight pierced the pink gloom, illuminating a gold-enrobed figure kneeling before an altar at the top of a marble staircase. Above the altar hung an enourmous picture of Jesus, with long flowing locks of brown hair, bearded face and steely, determined, blue eyes which seemed to stare into the very soul.
Brother Sjoerd's rich, deep voice echoed and bounced round the hall beginning the opening prayer, a prayer that everyone knew and loved. His voice was joined in unison by the assembled throng.

"Our dear Lord, to thee we pray.
Help us now and everyday.
Guide our choice and what we say.
If the Sinner's guilty, let's make them pay.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost,

Rising from his knees, Brother Sjoerd made the sign of the cross three times, then slowly turned to face the audience. The musical chord, still increasing in volume, was joined by a pulsating drum beat. Brother Sjoerd raised his arms like Rio's Christ the Redeemer, seemingly attempting to envelop the two billion holovision viewers in a three-dimensional love embrace. Cameras form every angle zoomed in for close ups of his perfect face, eyes tightly shut. The chord now started rising in pitch and the thumping drumbeat increased its tempo. Just as the sound was beginning to get uncomfortable for the ears, it abruptly stopped. Instantly Brother Sjoerd opened his eyes and broke into the whitest, most perfect smile, breaking the hearts once again, of his millions of adoring fans.
"It's Showtime!"
A rainbow of swooping lights, strobes and lasers hit the stage as the Evangelical Sisters of Mercy Choir burst into "Jesus is my sunbeam", the show's theme song.
The whole audience were on their feet now, belting out the words of the song as if their lives depended on it, dancing and gyrating in the rows and aisles, while spotlights zig-zagged over them. For a big man, Brother Sjoerd tripped lightly down the staircase and onto the stage where he stood swaying and clapping in time to the music.
The holovision viewers were treated to a split screen plethora of rapidly changing images of the choir, the audience, Brother Sjoerd and the massive picture of Jesus.
The song reached a crescendo then stopped and the crowd went wild, stamping their feet, cheering and whistling. Brother Sjoerd just stood there, letting the adulation wash over him, until he raised his right hand and the cheering ebbed away.
"Welcome Brothers and sisters. Welcome to...," he made the gesture of a conductor leading an orchestra and the audience, right on cue, screamed,
"Repent or die!"
"And what a show we have for you tonight. Sinner Carrot returns after narrowly escaping death last week, polling 62% for stoning, just under 5% short of the 66.6% devil's majority needed."
The crowd booed and hissed and shouts of "Kill the heretic" could be heard.
"Let me tell you Brothers and Sisters, about an amazing new record set by Sinner Carrot. He is the first person, ever, to score an absolute zero per cent for "Repented". However, not only did he score zero, but after checking the voting figures in detail, we found that there was not one person on the planet, of the nearly two billion voters, who considered him worthy of repentence. Amazing!"
This brought further cheering and clapping from the crowd.
Reaching into his robes, Brother Sjoerd pulled out a pile of printed g-mails.
"So what did you out there in holovision land think of Sinner Carrot?"
He began reading some of the g-mails,
"Kill him, kill him, kill him!"
He's scum! Send him to Hell!"
"Stone him AND burn him!"
"Torture his ass!"
Looking up into a nearby camera, Brother Sjoerd winked and said,
"I must admit that though the thought of torture is truly tempting, it must be stressed that on "Repent or die" we don't go in for gratuitous violence."
The cowd laughed and cheered yet again.
"However, Brother Kaplowski of Atlanta, Georgia who made the the "torture" comment, is in the audience tonight and, God willing, if there is a Devil's majority of 66.6% for stoning, then Brother Kaplowski will be one of the lucky ten people chosen to hurl the rocks. Where are you Brother Kaplowski?"
Brother Kaplowski stood up and his face filled the holovion screens, a face that was so full of pride that he was almost bursting. The crowd went wild again with those people in neighboring seats patting him on the back and shaking his hand.
"So, without further ado, let's bring forth the Sinner. Brothers and Sisters, I give you, Sinner Carrot!"
The lights dimmed, the dry ice machines went into overdrive and spot lights illuminated a place in the centre of the stage. The crowd were all chanting, "Bring forth the Sinner, Bring forth the Sinner", as up through the floor and smoke rose Pooh Carrot. But this wasn't the Pooh Carrot of last week. Gone were the hippy clothes he'd worn to blend in with 1978 Earth. Gone was the long, greasy, surgically implanted hair, and gone too was the beard. He stood there dressed in black T-shirt and black jeans, face and head clean shaven, with a look of defiance and a copy of the Bible in his right hand. The audience gasped in astonishment.
"Why, Sinner Carrot", laughed Brother Sjoerd, "You appear to have gone through a transformation! Does this mean you've seen the light? Are you going to claim you've repented?
"We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?" retorted Carrot.
Without waiting to be asked, Pooh Carrot strode over to the Sinners' chair, where he sat down, crossing his legs casually.
"Let's rock and roll, Bro!"
"Before we start, let me run through the rules for you once more. You are allowed to ask any questions you wish, then you must "preach" a "sermon" from the "pulpit". Based on your sermon, viewers round the world will vote on one of three choices, death by burning, death by stoning, or they may judge you to have repented, in which case you will be free to leave and all charges will be dropped. However, if they vote for your death, the sentence will be carried out live, immediately after the final votes have been counted. Remember, that the Devil's majority of 66.6% has to be reached for any of the three options to be carried out. You may begin the questions, Sinner Carrot"
"OK, can you just confirm for me that there was nothing, zilch, not a sausage, nada that existed anywhere before God said "Let there be light". Then there was light and darkness, and that was on day one of creation."
"What did God do on day two of creation?"
"He created the sky."
"And what did he do on day three?"
"He created the land, the seas and all the plants."
"So what did he create on day four?"
"He created the sun, the moon and all the stars."
"Did he now? Surely we see day during the daytime because of the sun, don't we? And we can see at night because of the moon and all the stars, can't we? So if there was no celestial bodies of any kind until day four, this leads to one obvious question. On days one through three, where did the light come form?"
"The Bible is open to interpretation."
"What sort of answer is that? Clearly if there had been no sun, moon and stars on days one to three, it would have been impossible to see anything, and there would have been no day and night as the Bible claims. Basically, the first thirteen verses of the book of Genesis are complete and utter gibberish."
"Be careful about what you say about the Bible, Sinner Carrot, denying the authenticity of every word is a capital offence."
"You mean I'll be in even more trouble than I am now? I'd better be careful then, I suppose. You do of course realise that you are completely barking mad, don't you? Anyway let's move on to the story of Adam and Eve, because that's a bit suspect to put it mildly. Now, you believe that Adam and Eve were the Father and mother of the whole human race"
"That is so."
"And God also created from the dust, or Adam's ribs, or whatever other silly explanation you want, Kasandra, Kiley and Tracey?"
"There is no mention of those people in the Bible."
"So he only created Adam and Eve and nobody else?"
"And these two people had children, and their children had children etcetera, etcetera, and the human race was formed."
"How what?"
"How did Adam and Eve's children have children?"
"The normal way. I'm sure that you are well aware how human reproduction occurs."
This brought a snigger from the audience.
"Oh, I'm fully aware, believe you me, but are you?"
"What are you inferring?"
Well, Adam and Eve had children who were all boys. In order to make more children you need a man and a woman. By your own admission there were no other women around apart from Eve. Therefore Cain, Abel and Seth must have shagged their own mother, mustn't they? The God you believe in condones incest!"
"He certainly doesn't! Jesus said it was a sin."
"So how do you explain where all the other people came from?"
"God must have created them."
"But it doesn't say so in the Bible, does it?"
"Not in so many words, no."
"Well let's move on to the Garden of Eden, then."
"What about it?"
"There was a talking snake, that's what about it!"
"You are referring to the serpent who tempted Eve with an apple."
"That's the critter in question. I mean, come on! It's just like Mr Floppsy Bunny goes to Toytown, isn't it? Snakes can't talk, they lack vocal chords. But you believe a snake could talk?"
"Sheesh! Unbelievable! And what separates mankind from the animals?"
"God gave us free will."
"Ah, yes, free will! Your godipidia website defines free will as "the power of making choices that are unconstrained by external circumstances or by an agency such as fate or divine will." Does that sound accurate?"
"That seems an adequate description."
"God gave Adam and Eve free will. He also said to them in Genesis 1:29 that he gave them every tree that has fruit with seed in it."
"That is correct."
"Every tree?"
"Adam and Eve then exercise their free will and make a rational decision to eat an apple from the Tree of Knowledge and what happens? God gets a right strop on and kicks them out of Eden."
"But God had forbidden them to eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge."
"Why on earth did he put it there, then? He gives Adam and Eve free will, he says they can eat ANY fruit, God himself creates Hissing Sid, the talking snake, and then he only goes and sticks an apple tree with delicious-looking apples right next to them and says don't eat the apples. What did he expect would happen? For a God, this God of yours is pretty near-sighted and stupid. if you see a park bench with a sign saying "Wet Paint", doesn't everybody touch it to see if it's wet?"
"Touching a park bench is hardly a commandment from God."
"How do you know that God didn't paint it himself? He does move in mysterious ways, doesn't he?"
"You're just being silly!"
"And the Bible isn't? God further goes on to infer that Adam and Eve were dumb and if they eat the apple they will gain knowledge and become intelligent."
"They should not have eaten the apple."
"So mankind should have remained dumb forever? Mankind should never strive to better itself by gaining more knowledge? If mankind had remained as thick as a sheep would that have pleased God?"
"Of course not!"
"Are sheep stupid?"
"They possess no free will and are easily controlled, so that is a reasonable assumption."
"Just how do sheep differ from the population of this world? A population that believes everything it is told about the Bible. A population who do not want to gain knowledge. A population that isn't prepared to step out of line and question things which are just plain daft."
"Some things are indisputable."
"The early christians believed the Earth was the centre of the universe and the sun and all the planets went round it. Galileo was branded a heretic for stating otherwise, wasn't he?"
"The early christians were wrong."
"And you lot are right?"
"The Lord is my shepherd and we are just sheep."
"That quote is incorrect!"
"It may be incorrect, but it's true. The Bible wants you to be no better than a brain-washed sheep, believe everything implicitly regardless of science or logic, and never question anything. Of course it's easy to believe the Bible if you, yourself are ignorant, if you lack even a basic intelligence. After all, ignorance is bliss."
"You do realise that you are offending every man, woman and child in this world?"
"The truth can be painful, but I'd just like to make one thing perfectly clear. I do not totally disagree with everything the Bible says. There is a lot of very good, powerful stuff in it. I agree with the majority of the Ten Commandments, and if you ignore the scientifically impossible magic tricks, Jesus seems like a decent dude who talked a lot of good sense."
"You have the gall to refer to Christ's miracles as magic tricks, and the Son of God as a "decent dude"?! Have you no shame, Sinner Carrot?"
"I'm ashamed to say, no."
This witticism brought a little titter from some members of the audience, but was instantly curtailed by Brother Sjoerd's angry look.
"Getting back to the creation fairy story, God created all the animals on one day. He didn't create anymore another time, did he?"
"That is correct."
"So God created two dogs and they had puppies, and their puppies had puppies and so on. Then the dogs evolved to match their environmental surroundings, leading us to this day where there are Great Danes and Chihuahuas, both of which are classed as dogs?"
"Sadly for you, you have read the Bible but haven't quite grasped the true meaning. There is no such thing as evolution. Charles Darwin is regarded as an apostle of the Devil. His obscene heretical views were discredited many years ago. Nobody believes in that evolutionary nonsense in our modern world."
"No evolution?!"
So God created each breed of dog individually, then?"
"That would be the logical assumption."
"There are over three hundred different types of dog."
"If that's how many there are, yes."
"I got that figure from the on-line encyclopedia, godipia, so I trust it's correct?"
"It will be."
"You're saying that four and a half billion years ago God created all the animals, and the dinosaurs, and nothing has evolved since then?"
Brother Sjoerd and the audience burst out laughing.
"Sinner Carrot, you do jest at times. Where on earth did you get that four and a half billion years figure from? Most amusing! However, everyone on this planet knows the world is just over six thousand years old."
"Using the Bible, it can be calculated that God created the world a mere six thousand years ago."
"You're stark raving bonkers! You can't seriously believe that, can you?"
Brother Sjoerd just sat there, smiling saintly.
"Good God! You DO believe it, don't you? You seriously and actually believe the world is only six thousand years old. That means that you believe that man and the dinosaurs co-existed together. Well, if that's the case, why are there no dinosaurs mentioned in the Bible? I mean, come on, they were pretty damn big, pretty hard to miss, I'd say. If they weren't wiped out by a meteor strike, what happened to them?"
"Ah, Sinner Carrot, if you had read the Bible properly, you would have known about the great deluge God sent. The flood that carved out the Grand Canyon in the United States. The flood that covered the whole world beneath water for forty days and nights. The very same flood that killed off all the dinosaurs. You must remember that at the time of the flood, mankind had only just begun and only inhabited a very small area of the world. Dinosaurs co-existed together with man, but there is no mention of them in the Bible because they inhabited lands that man had yet to set foot in."
"Is this flood you're talking about the one with Noah and his Ark?"
"Oh, well done."
"And you believe the Noah's Ark story too?"
"Please correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the Noah story go something like this, God told Noah to build an Ark for he was going to send a flood. God also told Noah to round up two of every living creature to go in this Ark."
"Spot on!"
"It all makes perfect sense to me now. All the animals mentioned in the Bible are indigenous to the Middle East, and because dinosaurs didn't live in the Middle East, there is no mention of them. That explains why Noah didn't round up two veloceraptors and two brontasauruses."
"So how do you explain the existence of kangaroos? Or Pandas? Or llamas? Or polar bears? None of these animals are mentioned in the Bible. None of these animals are indigenous to the Middle East. And you yourself said that man had not yet set foot in the lands where these animals live. These animals all exist today, so how is it possible for these animals to have been on the Ark? If they hadn't been on the Ark, they'd have gone the same way as the dinosaurs, wouldn't they?"
Brother Sjoerd looked taken aback and a buzz of noise erupted from the audience. Then, for the first time in the programme's history, Brother Sjoerd stumbled on his words.
" the creatures on the Ark were living in close proximity to man."
"But not the dinosaurs?"
"How bizarre! So after the waters had receded, kangaroos, koala bears, wombats and duck billed platypuses, (or is that platypi?) disembarked from the Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey and made their way overland to Australia, where they only exist today, having to swim the last remaining distance because Australia is an island."
"Can Koala bears and kangaroos swim?"
"I don't know."
"And Noah lived to be over six hundred years old?"
"Remarkable! On this Ark then, because you say evolution does not exist, there must have been over six hundred dogs, four hundred sheep, and one thousand six hundred cattle. Not to mention the estimated three hundred and fifty thousand species of beetle. Incidently, these figures I got from godipidia, which you have already stated is accurate. Do you know how many animal species there are?"
"I don't have that information to hand at the moment, Sinner Carrot."
"I do! According to godipidia there are approximately one million two hundred and fifty thousand. In the Ark there were two of each, making a total of two and a half million animals. It would have had to be an enormous boat to house that many don't you think? Did you know that two plus two equals five?"
"What? Of course it doesn't you fool! It equals four."
"How do you know it equals four?"
"Are you simple Carrot? Through my own personal experience, two plus two has always equaled four. So why should I believe it equals five?"
"But I bet if the Bible said it equaled five you'd believe it, wouldn't you?"
"Of course I wouldn't!"
"Really? So if the Bible said two plus two equaled five you wouldn't believe it because of your own personal experience?"
"That's just what I said!"
"The Bible says that Noah lived to be six hundred years old. Through my own personal experience, I don't believe this.
The Bible says that an old man and a few of his family members built a sea-worthy boat the size of a small town to house two and a half million animals. Through my own personal experience, I don't believe this.
The Bible says that an old man and a few of his family members were able to identify, sex-test and round up two and a half million animals from the four corners of the world. Through my own personal experience, I don't believe this."
"Very clever Carrot! You're just trying to bamboozle me with words."
"Exactly like the Bible, then."
"Look! The story of Noah is true. Everybody believes that."
"How do you know everybody believes the story of Noah? Is anybody allowed to say the story of Noah isn't true? No, because either they'll be executed or forced to be a contestant on this show. Dog food!"
"Dog food?"
"Yep! Dog food! How many cans of dog food would Noah have needed to feed just the dogs on the Ark? Let's assume each dog eats one can of dog food a day."
"I don't bloody know!"
"Well, if there were six hundred dogs that would be twenty four thousand cans for the forty days the Ark was at sea. That's a lot of dog food. Now how did the animals get onto the Ark?"
"They went in two by two. What the hell are you on about now?"
"OK, I'll be generous and assume it took each pair of animals thirty seconds to go up the gangplank and get onto the Ark. Obviously the cheetahs would be faster than the snails, but I think thirty seconds would be fair. For the sake of argument, let's assume that Noah had already collected all the two and a half million animals and they were standing in a long queue waiting to go on. Once they started boarding, assuming they boarded continuously twenty four hours a day, seven days a week without any disruption, it would have taken them over two years to all get on board. So if the dogs went on first, Noah would have needed almost half a million cans of dog food to feed them for the two years plus forty days which is seven hundred and seventy days. If the dogs went on board last, you'd still need the same number of cans of dog food to feed them with, while they were standing in the queue.""
"Are there any more blasphemous statements you wish to add, Sinner Carrot? Because we must cut for a commercial break soon."
Pooh Carrot thought about it for a minute.
"No. That'll do for now."
"Right! Let's have a word from our sponsors, then we'll be right back with Sinner Carrot's "Sermon", which I for one, am looking forward to with bated breath. Stay tuned."
When the programme returned, Brother Sjoerd was standing at the front of the stage.
""Brothers and sisters, it's "Pulpit" time.
"Pul-pit, pul-pit", clapped and shouted the crowd, as up rose the pulpit next to Brother Sjoerd. Taking his Bible, Pooh Carrot took the stairs two at a time and stood there in the pulpit, surveying the audience. This was certainly not a bunch of happy, shiny people. The rabid animal that was the audience jeered at him and mouthed obscenities. Pooh Carrot decided to make it short and sweet.
"One of the world's greatest and most respected authors from the last century, Terry Pratchett, wrote in his Nation novel, "God made us clever enough to work out that he doesn't exist." Don't any of you lot get it? Are you all so blinded by your faith that you can't see the truth? God gave YOU free will. If God gave you the ability to choose right from wrong, what to believe in, and how you choose to lead your life, then nobody should be punished for exercising this God-given right. If anyone should be punished, it's you people who act like brainwashed sheep and believe unquestionably, everything they're told, no matter how fantastical, for you are the ones who are disrespecting God. God gave you intelligence. For God's sake use it!
And as for the Bible, well, I know in this society it's a crime punishable by death not to believe every word, but how can you believe every word? How can you be sure that every word is true? Did God write the Bible? No, he didn't! It was written by man. Now God might be infallible, but man sure as hell isn't.
In all probability, I will be shortly murdered in a most barbaric fashion, but for what? For exercising my God-given right of free will? For daring to say that man is not infallible? You have absolutely no right to vote for my death, simply because I don't believe in the same mythical, bearded sky pixie that you do. And if any of you have even the remotest doubt about the absolute truth of every single word of the Bible, then your conscience should dictate that you vote "Repented", for I have committed no real crime."
When the last word had been uttered, he opened the Bible, ripped out the book of Genesis, tore it into little piece and flung it into the air.
"This is all complete and utter pants!"
As the pieces were fluttering down like confetti, he turned and descended the pulpit's steps.
The audience went beserk and rushed the stage trying to rip Carrot limb from limb. The security guards struggled to keep the mob back, firing Tazers indescriminately. One big guy, face contorted with rage, managed to break through the security guards, clambered on stage left and rushed at Pooh Carrot. Pooh Carrot stood there, not giving ground as he weighed up the onrushing assailant.
"You filthy heathen bastard! I'm gonna wipe that smug smile off your face".
When he got within striking distance, he unleashed a killer haymaker of a punch. Time seemed to freeze as the blow arched towards Carrot's head, but at the last moment Carrot's left arm shot up parrying the blow, and his balled right fist delivered a ferocious straight jab, connecting with the attacker's chin and virtually lifting him off the ground. He was unconscious before he hit the stage and lay sprawled in the remains of Genesis.
"Here endeth the first lesson," said Carrot and with a shrug of his shoulders, he turned his back on the audience and sauntered nonchalantly back to his seat.
Brother Sjoerd, mouth gaping, stared at Pooh Carrot.
"Sinner Carrot! You do realise for that little stunt of desecration I could have you instanty executed?"
"No, you couldn't. That would be breaking the rules of your own game. If you tried to have me executed, you'd lose all credibility and this show would be finished. Not to mention the fact that you'd make me into a martyr. The only way to kill me, is if 66.6% of people vote for for my death. So let's vote Bro!"
Brother Sjoerd turned to the hostile crowd,
"Brothers and Sisters, it's voting time. Should Sinner Carrot be burned to death, stoned to death, or has he, dare I say, convinced anyone in the world that he has repented and his life should be spared? You have three minutes to vote, starting from now. While the votes are being processed, let's hear another word from our sponsors."
During the commercial break, a digital scoreboard had been wheeled onto the stage proclaiming the three options of "Burning", "Stoning " or "Repented".
"Welcome back Brothers and Sisters. Now it's time to look at the old scoreboard and see just how you all voted. First, let's have the votes for "Burning".
Next to the word "Burning" the numbers started rising. First 10%, then 20%, then 25% as the figures started to slow down. 30% was reached but the numbers were really slowing down now, then a red light came on and the "Hallelujahs" sounded indicating a final total of 32.7%.
"Oh dear Sinner Carrot. By my reckoning that leaves 67.3% of votes left, over the Devil's majority. It looks like your time in this world will soon be at an end."
Pooh Carrot looked non-plussed.
"It ain't over till the fat lady sings, you know."
"True Sinner Carrot. But if I were you I'd start believing in miracles. Now let's have the votes for "Stoning."
Next to the word "Stoning" the numbers started rising rapidly without showing any sign of slowing down. 40% was reached, then 50%, then 60% and only then did the numbers start to slow. 65% was reached, then 66%, as Brother Sjoerd sat there with a smile playing across his lips.
The crowd, having been threatened with arrest by the Religious Police during the commercial break, had calmed down, but were now clapping and cheering, for surely the Sinner would soon be dead.
The scoreboard's red light flashed, the "Hallelujahs" sounded and the final total for "Stoning" was displayed. The crowd went suddenly quiet, and Brother Sjoerd stared disbelievingly at the figure - 66.4%!
"Impossible! Let's have the votes for "Repented". The figures rose for a second then stopped at 0.9%
"Well, Sinner Carrot, truly unbelievable! But it looks like you've escaped for another week."
Turning to the audience one last time, Brother Sjoerd completed the show's closing lines,
"Brothers and Sisters, Sinner Carrot will be back again next week so make sure you are too. May God go with you and may the good Lord Jesus protect you. A-men."
The credits rolled as two billion holovision viewers sat dumfounded, staring incredulously at their screens.

It took almost five hours to clear the auditorium, all the time Pooh Carrot sat on the Sinners' Seat twiddling his thumbs, surrounded by heavily armed guards. Eventually, when the coast was clear, he was frog-marched back to the secure room. He was feeling very pleased with himself, and not a little releived until he was greeted by a scowling Dot-C.
"Hiya Dot-C. I told you "I'll be back". I'm still alive...just. What did you think of my performance?"
"Carrot, you are an imbecile. What the hell do you think you were doing? When you tore up that Bible, I felt like slapping you myself. I thought we'd agreed it was best not to antagonise them? So what did you do? You only went and destroyed their Holy Book, didn't you?"
"Well, you know how it is. Spur of the moment decision and all that. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, it wasn't the whole Bible, just one book."
"Whatever! It was stupid! Very stupid! But you've done it so you'll just have to live with it, although probably not for very long."
"Thanks for the support!"
"Oh, do shut up Carrot! Now, do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"The guy you laid out has recovered consciousness and is being lauded as a hero for his actions, video of youtaking him out has shot straight to number one on the godtube site, a T-shirt with your face and the words "Heathen Bastard" has already been produced and is selling in unprecedented numbers..."
"Ooh! Do you reckon I'll get a commision from each one sold?"
"Fat lot of good that'll do you if you're dead, I must say. Also, the ratings for the show were over two and a half billion, making it the most watched holovision programme of all time."
"OK, OK, tell me the good news now."
"That was the good news. The bad news is that you are marginally less popular than a turd in a swimming pool, the holovision company has received nigh on five million death threats against you so far, and there is an unruly mob numbering in their tens of thousands outside this very building chanting "Death to Carrot". The only reason the building hasn't been torn apart brick by brick is because of a massive Religious Police presence, and these Police are not particularly subtle in their approach to man-management. There have been reports of several dozens of injuries, but thankfully no deaths yet. In almost every major city on the planet there have been demostrations denouncing you and calling for your immediate execution."
"Could be worse, I suppose."
"You're right! I haven't finished yet. Here's the good part. In order to placate the world's population, Brother Sjoerd has gone on live holovision promising a rule change for the next programme. For next week's show, the number of voting options is being reduced by a third. "Burning" is being taken out, leaving just "Stoning" or "Repented". This means that you'll have to convince 33.5% of the population of a world that hates you, that they should vote to let you go free."
"Bugger! Oh well, at least I managed to convince 0.9% this time, so where there's life, there's hope."
"Um...actually, no you didn't convince people. A lot of people who voted "Repented" have come forward to say that you're guilty as sin, but after seeing you KO that guy, they said it was the "best damned holovision" they'd ever seen. They voted "Repented not because they believed you, but because they want to see you come back next week. In a world of sheep, you're a wolf. You're unpredictable, a loose cannon. That's why they voted."
"So basically you're saying I'm screwed."
"It would appear so."
"Do you, by any chance, happen to have any good advice as to what I should do now?"
"After weighing up the evidence, there is one course of action I could suggest."
"What is it then?"
"Have you considered prayer?"
"Oh ha, ha, Dot-C. Very droll!"
Last edited by poohcarrot on Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy."
"You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.
User avatar
Posts: 10425
Joined: Sun Sep 13, 2009 12:11 pm
Location: NOT The land of the risen Son!!

Postby poohcarrot » Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:57 pm

Judgment Day - Repent or die Week 3

In the secure room, Pooh Carrot was hunched over a desk, surrounded by masses of paper covered with his scribblings. He was engrossed in the Bible, his copy looking like a yellow, spiky porcupine with all the post-its sticking out of it. To the casual observer it would have looked like Dot-C was just sitting on the sofa, legs crossed, staring into space, but this wasn't the case. Being a robot equipped with a computer, she could wirelessly scan the god-net from anywhere. In frustration Pooh Carrot threw down his pink marker pen.
"Oh, this is impossible! How on earth can anyone believe this piffle? There are more holes in the plot than a Swiss cheese, the statistics are all shot to pieces, it says one thing on one page, then a few pages later completely contradicts itself. I lost count of the contradictions after forty nine. But I don't see how I'm going to get a third of the world's brainwashed sheep to vote me innocent, simply by saying that Mark wrote that Jesus was crucified at the third hour, while John wrote it was the sixth hour. The Bible can't even decide where Jesus was when he ascended into Heaven, in Acts it says Mount Olivet, while in Luke it says bethany. Interesting though pointing out contradictions is, it's hardly a game-changer, and that's what I am in desperate need of right now."
"You're such a pessimist, Carrot! You aren't dead yet, you know."
"What am I meant to do?"
"Would you like my help?"
"Yes please, Dot-C, if you have any so much as even one completely insane idea of how I can get out of this mess, I'd love to hear it."
"You said the magic word, please, so I'll help you a little. Watch this and tell me what you see. It's a godtube video of your first appearance on "Repent or Die."
Dot-C stood up, turned round, then her eyes projected a godtube video onto the wall.
"Ooh! There's me still disguised as a hippy. By the way, if we ever get back to our world, I'm going to have a word or two with SW about that. A hippy in 1978! I ask you! Only ten years too late."
"Stop whining and keep watching......there! Do you see it?"
The video froze on the wall. It showed a holovision shot of the whole of the stage from the back of the auditorium, with Pooh Carrot centre stage.
"See what?"
"I'll zoom in for a close up."
"You've just zoomed in on that massive picture of Jesus hanging above the altar."
"Ooh, you're quick today, Carrot. Tell me about the picture, then."
"Well for starters, that picture is not of someone from the Middle east. It's a white caucasian male, probably because the places where Christianity really took off were in Western Europe and the US. So they made the picture look like one of their own race."
"Good! And...?"
"According to the Bible, Saint Paul said having long hair was an abomination, or some similar comment, so Jesus couldn't have had long hair. He also couldn't have had very outstanding facial features or have been very tall, because in the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas betrayed him with a kiss, the reason being the Roman Soldiers didn't know what he looked like. If he had looked like that, all Judas would have had to do is tell the Romans to arrest the bloke who looked like Johnny Depp, that famous actor from the last century, and Bob's your uncle. Because this is a myth-based cult based on superstition and illogic, the powers that be can palm off any old nonsensical claptrap and the brainwashed hordes will lap it up."
"Now watch as I zoom in on this bit."
"Dot-C, you've just zoomed in on me with that silly implanted long hair and itchy beard. I don't get it."
For a second or two Pooh Carrot looked puzzled, then,
"Bloody hell Dot-C! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I think that's highly unlikely, as you usually spend all day thinking about sex."
"But Jesus and me look practically the same. The likeness is uncanny. Are you insinuating that I should pretend to be Jesus?"
"I'm not insinuating anything, it was your idea."
"If I pretended to be Jesus, it wouldn't convince anyone, you know, unless I could perform a miracle or two. As I'm not Jesus, the chances of me managing to somehow pull off a believable miracle in front of three billion people are as remote as you suddenly flinging your arms around me, kissing me and telling me you love me."
Dot-C walked over to Pooh Carrot, flung her arms around him, and kissed him sensuously on the mouth. Then she whispered into his ear,
"I love you Carrot!,"
"Wow! Miracles do happen! Just a question, Dot-C, does anybody in this world know you're a robot?"
"Robots are not in general use here. Their religion has caused their scientific progress to slow down. It is even against their God's will to do stem-cell research, so they still have diseases that in our world were eradicated years ago."
"On the last programme I did say that Jesus' miracles were magic tricks, didn't I?"
"You certainly did, Carrot."
"Well, I've already thought up two miracles that I could perform, but I'll need your help."
"I only exist to serve, master."
"Oh don't get all servile on me now. If I'm going to get hanged I might as well get hanged for a sheep as a lamb."
"Stoned, Carrot, stoned, not hanged. I believe hanging is less painful."
"Oh, shut up Dot-C!"
"Well, that's gratitude, I must say," said Dot-C smiling to herself, "By the way, you do know this next programme is jokingly named "Judgment Day", don't you?"
"No, I didn't. But I'm sure you'll enlighten me as to the reasons why."
"Nobody has ever survived after day three."
"So "Judgment Day," is it? Well, I'll give them something to judge me about."

"Bring forth the Sinner! Bring forth the Sinner!"
The chorus of boos and jeers as Pooh Carrot emerged was almost deafening. Pooh Carrot looked at the audience, the vast majority of whom were wearing "Heathen Bastard" T-shirts emblazoned with his face. He theatrically bowed to them, causing the jeering to rise a few decibels in volume. He himself, had swapped his black T-shirt for a white one depicting a long haired, bearded face and inscribed below was the same legend, "Heathen Bastard." He was also carrying his Bible. After taking his seat in the Sinners' chair the cries of derision continued. It took several attempts by Brother Sjoerd to calm them, before a modicum of silence was reached.
"Sinner Carrot, I can't say it's a pleasure to welcome you back, because you are an odious human being and evil incarnate, and if anyone on this planet deserves to die, it's you, but we must adhere to the rules of the game and ensure God's justice is carried out."
"And I love you too, Bro."
"But first I'd just like to point out that wearing a T-shirt of our Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ, and calling him a "Heathen Bastard" is hardly going to win you many fans, and I for one, find that T-shirt an affront to decency."
"Come now Bro, I am just agreeing with the audience who believe falsely, that this person is a "Heathen Bastard," that's all."
"I can assure you that the audience do not regard that person as a "Heathen Bastard." Far from it, they love that person and believe whole heartedly that he is the Son of God."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I am!"
"Well, this picture is actually taken from the first episode of this programme that I appeared on. It isn't a picture of Jesus, but a picture of me. You may recall that I looked like this when I first was thrust unwillingly into the limelight."
Brother Sjoerd took a closer look.
"You are right. I was mistaken."
"But were you? Who is to say that I am not the Son of God? The Bible predicts that Jesus will return one day. Maybe that time is now."
"Don't be so stupid!"
"I see that all the g-papers have been trying to find out all about me, but not one of them has come up with even one scrap of information as to where I come from. In fact nobody on this planet has any information about me at all. Don't you think that's a bit strange?"
"It's not impossible."
"I agree. But it's highly improbable in today's age of computers and the god-web, that somebody could live their whole life without leaving a trace anywhere."
"So, are you claiming to be the Son of God?"
"You just claimed I was. But I will leave that for God and others to decide. To help people make up their minds though, let me perform three small miracles."
"You're going to perform three miracles?"
"This I must see."
"And so you shall. Previously I stated that I had not read the Bible. Is this correct?"
"You did make that claim, yes."
"The reason I hadn't read the Bible is because I know what it all says. After all, I did help to write it."
"Oh, this is preposterous!"
"Well let's do a little experiment. You choose any verse, from any book of the Bible, Old or New Testament, and I will tell you what that verse says."
"You have no chance, Carrot. OK, the book of Nehemiah, chapter nine, verse seven."
"Oh, an easy one. "You are the Lord God, who chose Abram and brought him out of Ur of the Chaldeans and named him Abraham." Is that correct?"
"Give me your Bible. Um...I believe it is. Right, here's one from the New Testament, Corinthians two, chapter eleven, verse ten."
"How appropriate! "As surely as the truth of Christ is in me nobody in the regions of Achaia will stop this boasting of mine."
"You just have a good memory, that's all."
"Whatever you say, Bro."
"You said three miracles, show us the second."
"I'll need a member of the audience to help me, if that's OK. You choose any person, completely at random. Preferably someone who isn't going to try to rip my head off this time."
Brother Sjoerd pointed to one person, who was led onto the stage by the security guards. Pooh Carrot went up to him.
"Here is a Bible. Please hold it in your left hand. I want everyone to make sure that you are telling the truth. Now, I have some questions for you. Firstly, are you a Christian?"
"Yes, I am."
"Do you swear on the Bible that we have never met before?"
"Yes, I do."
"Is there any conceivable way I could know anything about you at all?"
"No, I don't see how that's possible."
"Do you agree that If I were Jesus, I'd be able to see into your heart and mind, and tell everyone watching your personal details, even though we've never met?"
"Jesus could probably do that, but you sure as hell couldn't. You're a mere prawn of Satan."
"I think you meant pawn, but never mind. Now let's see, shall we? Your name is Jan Van Quirm and you are fifty two years old. You are Dutch. You live in Groningen in the Netherlands. You are married to Michel and you have two children, both boys, aged nineteen and seventeen. You work for the Dutch railway as an engineer. Twenty five years ago you were arrested by the Police for drunk driving and were banned for a year. You have a degree in mechanical engineering from..."
"Stop! Stop! How do you know all that?"
"Do you swear on the Bible that I have just spoken the truth?"
"Yes, yes! I swear."
"Thank you. That is all. You may return to your seat now."
The crowd was buzzing as Mr Quirm first handed the Bible back then was led, ashen-faced, back to his seat.
To keep the momentum going, Pooh Carrot faced the audience and commanded them in a firm voice,
"Brothers and sisters. Let us pray."
Pooh Carrot knelt before the audience. After a moment's hesitation, the bemused audience got down on their knees too. Pooh Carrot closed his eyes.
"Dear Lord God, who sees all and hears the prayers of all who believe, we humbly beseech you to grant our request this day. In the Bible Mark states, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Matthew states, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask in prayer." Dear Lord God, we humbly beseech you now to heed or prayer. If Pooh Carrot is not your Son, if Pooh Carrot is not Jesus Christ returned to earth, then this very instant, please smite him with a thunderbolt."
Half opening one eye, Pooh Carrot scanned the audience. They were all concentrating hard and mouthing their words to God. After a minute of nothing happening, Pooh Carrot stood up.
Brother Sjoerd was beside himself with rage.
"That was not a miracle!"
"If that was not a miracle, then there can only be three explanations. Firstly, in this audience of ten thousand people, there is not one person who is a true believer, so God didn't listen to their prayers. Secondly, the Bible is wrong and the two verses I quoted in the prayer are not true. Or thirdly, that I'm the Son of God, and God chose not to smite me for I have a mission to fulfill. Obviously if I'm not the Son of God returned, then it must have been a miracle, for I am still living and breathing."
"There is one other explanation that you failed to mention, Carrot."
"And that is?"
"That God chose not to kill you now, for he wants you to be stoned to death for your sins."
"To be stoned to death I have to receive 66.6% of the world vote. I promise you that today, God will not let that happen."
Pooh Carrot returned to the Sinners' seat and sat down.
"I believe, Bro, that it is the time in the programme for me to ask some questions, so here's the first one. If the Earth is only six thousand years old as you claim, why, after four thousand years, did God send his only Son to walk with man?"
"A simple answer. God sent Jesus because mankind had wandered from the path of righteousness. Mankind was no longer following the word of God as written in the Bible."
"An interesting answer, but you are wrong."
"Yes, wrong. I was there don't forget."
"So what is your explanation then, oh wise one?"
"The first part of what you said is correct, in that God sent Jesus because mankind had wandered from the path of righteousness. The second part of what you said is incorrect, for mankind was STILL following the word of God as written in the Bible. However, God's message had been distorted by man over the years, so that what the Bible purported to be the true word of God, wasn't. It was in fact only the word of man. The word of God had been altered and changed so many times that it bore no resemblance to the original message."
"You lie!"
"You know the game "Chinese whispers"? Where ten people stand in a line, then the first person whispers a phrase to the second, who in turn whispers it to the third, then the fourth. By the time the phrase has reached the end of the line, it has completely changed and bears no resemblance to the original. That is exactly what had happened to the Bible over four thousand years. Mankind was still worshipping God, but was worshipping God according to the the guidelines laid down in the Bible. These guidelines were wrong because they had been written by man. Jesus was sent to reaffirm the original message."
"Why did mankind change the Bible over the years?"
"Mainly for political and selfish reasons. When mankind had strayed from the path of righteousness previously and had stopped worshipping God, God destroyed everyone with a flood and started again. Two thousand years ago, although mankind was not worshipping God correctly, it was still worshipping God, unlike in the time of Noah. God sent Jesus to point everyone in the correct direction."
"And I trust you will give me examples of this political tinkering, will you?"
"Certainly. One hundred and twenty years ago what did the Bible say were the Ten Commandments, in particular Commandments six, eight and ten?"
"Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not covet."
"Correct. Does anybody actually speak like that nowadays?"
"Of course not. That's why they were changed to more modern English."
"What are those Commandments now?"
"You shall not murder, you shall not steal and you shall not covet."
"Does anybody actually know what the word "covet" means? It's hardly used in day to day conversation, is it?"
"Everyone who is a Christian knows, I can assure you."
"So the "thou shalt nots" got changed to "You shall nots" to make it easier to understand?"
"Why was the word "kill" changed to the word "murder"? Surely everybody knows what the word "kill" means, don't they?"
"What's in a word? They both mean the same."
Pooh Carrot jumped up from his seat.
"They DO NOT mean the same in the slightest! If it was the word "kill" it would mean that capital punishment is wrong in God's eyes. It would mean that a country with a large military shouldn't wage wars for the sake of getting their grubby hands on scarce mineral resources. It would mean that this very programme would be an insult to God. The word was changed to politically justify the American Empire of the early twenty first century. That's political tinkering. God intended the Commandment to be "You shall not and must not kill any other human being, for whatever reason, ever."
"You said two examples. What is the second?"
"This tinkering goes to the heart of the longest battle of all time. The battle of the sexes. The Bible was written by men, not women. Men wanted to have control and dominance over women for all time. That's why in Genesis it states that man will rule over women. That is not what God said. Genesis also says God created man in his own image, thus implying that God is male. God is not male. Neither is God female. God is asexual. If God is anything, he is everything. Everything has an opposite. God is light and God is dark, God is hot and God is cold, God is love and God is hate. God is inclusive, not exclusive. God is everything. Claiming one sex is more powerful than the other is wrong. Both sexes are equal in God's eyes. "
The audience, who had been stunned by the miracles, were hanging on every word. Suddenly there was a brief skirmish near the front and a figure stood up. It was a woman, and she was dressed appropriately in the regulation head scarf that all women had to wear, should they venture out of the house. The man she was obviously with was trying desperately to get her to sit down, but she was having none of it. The woman started to slowly clap. Holovision cameras zoomed in on her just in time to see a burly security guard point his Taser at her and fire. The woman collapsed in a whimpering heap and other security guards picked up her twitching body and carried her away. Brother Sjoerd strode to the front of the stage and pointed at the man.
"Was that your wife?"
The man was terrified.
"Y-y-y-yes, Br-brother."
"Have you no control over her?"
"I-I'm sorry Brother. I didn't know she was going to do that."
"She is your property, so you must take full responsibility for her actions. Guards, take this man away and hand him to the Religious police. I want him charged under the Dangerous Pets act. Nobody interrupts this show."
Turning back to face Pooh Carrot, the anger was still visible on brother Sjoerd's face.
"Now, Sinner carrot. We've had enough of your clever party tricks, your insulting Jesus with your patently absurd "second coming" claims and your incitement of second class citizens. You've said more than enough already, so Brothers and Sisters, it's "Pulpit time" once again.
"Pul-pit, pul-pit chanted and clapped the crowd right on cue, and once again the pulpit rose at the front of the stage.
Pooh Carrot roes from his seat, walked to the steps, slowly climbed and stood surveying the audience. Unlike last week's audience who had been rabid and would have torn him to pieces given half the chance, this week's audience felt different. The atmosphere wasn't so aggressive and a lot of those that he could see had an "I-wonder-what-he's-going-to say-or-do-next" look about them. This crowd could be manipulated. Pooh Carrot composed himself, then began, quietly,
"Are you Christians?"
There was no response so Pooh Carrot repeated the question louder.
"I said, are you Christians?"
A few people replied "Yes." Now, raising his voice to evangelical preacher levels, he shouted,
"YES!" roared back the crowd, reacting instinctively through years of experience.
"YOU!" Pooh Carrot pointed to a stunned member of the audience in the third row,
"YES!" cried the man, swept up by the crowd's emotion.
Pooh Carrot took one step back, then hurled himself from the pulpit into the air, performing a back somersault, and landing perfectly on the stage.
"A-MEN!" screamed the crowd, rising to their feet and applauding wildly. Pooh Carrot strolled back to the Sinners' Seat, winking at brother Sjoerd as he passed him. Brother Sjoerd walked to the front of the stage and said,
Brothers and Sisters, it's voting time! Should Sinner Carrot be stoned to death, or do you think he's repented? You have three minutes to make up your minds, while we take a short commercial break."

When the programme returned, the votes for "stoning" were counted first. The scoreboard's figures started rising rapidly, slowed, then stopped and the "Hallelujahs" sounded - 62%! Pooh Carrot had survived again. It was a mere formality to tally up the "repented" votes - 38%.
"Brothers and Sisters, don't forget to tune in next week when Sinner Carrot will be the first person, ever, to return for a fourth time, so make sure you return too. May God go with you and may the good Lord Jesus protect you. A-men."

Upon arrival back in the secure room, Pooh Carrot was greeted by Dot-C, who this time wasn't scowling.
"Not bad, Carrot. You could have done better, but at least you survived."
"Ta, Dot-C, high praise indeed."
"Can I have my skin back now? I feel naked without it."
Pooh Carrot put his thumb and forefinger on the corner of his Bible, slowly peeled off the thin membrane and handed it carefully to Dot-C. She rolled up her sleeve to reveal a rectangular red patch on her arm, where she affixed the membrane back in place.
"Once the guy had touched the Bible and you had his fingerprints, was it easy to access the data on him?"
"Simplicity itself, Carrot! As I said before, this planet's scientific progress has been stunted because of religion. It's years behind ours. Hacking into their computers was a doddle. Their defence systems are laughable."
"I'll tell you one thing, though, this mole mic doesn't half tickle when you speak into it. When you were reading the Bible verses to me, it was all I could do to stop sticking my finger into my ear and wiggling it about."
"You're always moaning, aren't you?"
"Not all the time, thank you very much. And what the hell was with that excessive use of force used on that poor woman who applauded me? Somewhat of an over reaction wouldn't you say?"
"In all the time you've been here, Carrot, you haven't left this room, apart from when you go gallivanting off to make an exhibition of yourself on holovision. All you've been doing is studying the Bible to try to discredit it. It's now time for a brief history lesson, but first, let me test you on the history of our world. Can you tell me what happened at the start of the twenty first century back home?"
""The early part of the twenty first century? Well, in 2009 most of the world's banks went belly up due to liquidity problems. In their greed they had been lending money they didn't possess, and printing and selling bonds made of fairy gold, that weren't worth the paper they were printed on. The whole house of cards collapsed, causing the Great depression of the twenty-teens. Unemployment soared as the capitalist system self-imploded. At the height of the Depression, in 2017, John Lennon published his book, "All you need is love". This book advocated moving away from the greed of the capitalist system to a sharing society where full employment, not profit, was the bottom line. This book went on to become the greatest selling book of all time and caused a sea-change in world opinion. Religion was shunned and one by one the world's religions disappeared, to be replaced by a belief in your fellow man, rather than belief in an invisible and non-existent supreme being. The "Me-generation" died out, and from the ashes of capitalism rose the society we have today, where helping your brother and sister is more important than making money, love is more important than greed, and peace is the most important thing of all."
"Exactly! But on this world John Lennon was assassinated so he never got to write that book."
"What happened then?"
"When the banks started having problems, in an effort to shore up capitalism, governments pumped massive amounts of public money into the banking system. This led to huge deficits because it was tax payers' money that was given to the banks. Governments everywhere then had to slash budgets to balance the books. This caused massive unemployment, for all infrastructure building projects and government services to the needy were dramatically cut, but the capitalist system was still in place. In times of trouble people turn to religion and the Creationists exploited this. As the world population became poorer and the money supply shrank because people didn't have jobs, the churches, led by the Creationists, set up soup kitchens to feed the poor and starving, and in the process, converted many people to their cause. By 2019 the Depression still showed no signs of ending and when Creationist political parties sprang up in Europe and the US, promising hope and to get rid of unemployment at a stroke, people listened. Throughout the Western world in 2020, Creationist parties simultaneously came to power on a wave of popularism and religious fervour in most countries."
"And did they get rid of unemployment at a stroke?"
"Actually, yes they did. The Creationist governments of the leading industrialized nations worked together and on Easter Monday 2021, they all passed the same law, the "Emancipation of Women" Act."
"That means freedom, doesn't it? Freedom for women? That's hardly sticking to Biblical principles, is it?"
"The "Emancipation of Women" Act was Orwellian in nature. Women were freed from the drudgery of work, in other words they were prohibited from working, anywhere. All women were replaced in their jobs by men thus making unemployment a thing of the past. Women were also freed from the onerous task of having to chat with a lot of other women, in other words women were banned from congregating in groups of more than three. Women were freed from the choice of what to do with their hair when they went outside the house, in other words they were forced to wear head scarves in public. Women were freed from the hassle of going to the police in cases of wife-battery, in other words husbands could beat up their wives without fear of prosecution. And just for good measure, women were banned from driving and disenfranchised too."
"I bet that wasn't too popular!"
"You're dead right there. But it was a lot more popular than you'd expect. In most countries there was over half the population that agreed with it. Women fought back and staged massive protests in all the countries where the law had been passed, but to no avail. These protests were monitored by the authorities, the participants identified, and usually, in the small hours of the morning, the protestors received a knock at their front door and were carted off to "Re-education camps" where they were systematically brainwashed, then returned to society as docile shadows of their former selves. To finally seal the deal, the "Dangerous Pets" Act was passed in 2025, classing women in the same category as dogs, making the husband responsible should his wife ever step out of line."
"Wow! Looks like a hit a raw nerve with my comments"
"More like pouring salt into a festering, gangrenous wound."
"Anyhoos, enough of women's problems, I've got a few of my own, if you may recall. You've had time to check the god-net so what's new on planet fruitcake?"
"Heathen Bastard T-shirts!"
"Still selling well are they?"
"The original one is still doing a roaring trade, but the new one, the one you were wearing today, has so far received orders even surpassing the original. The interesting thing about the orders is that the smaller sizes are selling the most. This leads me to believe they are being bought mainly by women. I would hazard a guess that a lot of women are unhappy with their lot and are buying the new T-shirt as a protest against the authorities"
"Still no chance of me getting a cut?"
"Nope! There are currently demonstrations in some cities against you, but they aren't as well attended as last week and not so vociferous. The interesting thing in looking at holovision pictures of last week's demos compared to this week's, is the number of female attendees. Last week there were probably about 30% of women involved, this week women are conspicuous by their absence."
"Any rule changes to the programme?"
"Didn't I mention that? How remiss of me. Yes, there has been one change. Next week the Devil's majority had been reduced to 50.1%"
"Oh, wonderful! Just what I need. Any other bombshells you're going to drop on me, Dot-C?"
"Just one more."
"Hit me with it, then."
"You know when Brother Sjoerd grabbed your Bible to check the Bible quote?"
"You checked out his fingerprints too, didn't you? Has he got a dark past? Is he choirboy buggerer, or possibly a Devil worshipper?"
" You know I'm a robot yet look human in almost every way? What is the foolproof method of telling if I'm a robot or human."
"Your fingerprints on every finger are exactly the same. You can't possibly be saying that Brother Sjoerd is a robot too?"
"Not only is he a robot, but his prints are exactly the same as mine."
"The chances of this happening completely by accident are billions to one. The only explanation must be that he was created in the same factory that I was. That means he's from our world."
"So what's he doing here?"
"I have absolutely no idea!"
"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy."
"You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.
User avatar
Posts: 10425
Joined: Sun Sep 13, 2009 12:11 pm
Location: NOT The land of the risen Son!!

Return to Terry Pratchett

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest