If Discworld was edited "for Americans"

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Postby poohcarrot » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:26 pm

What's a que? :?
"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy."
"You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.
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Postby Sjoerd3000 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:27 pm

It's what Manuel always says in Fawlty Towers! :P
A poster outside one shop urged people to Dig For Victory, as if it were some kind of turnip.
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Postby poohcarrot » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:28 pm

So how do you form an orderly one, then? :?
"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy."
"You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.
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Postby pip » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:30 pm

poohcarrot wrote:So how do you form an orderly one, then? :?


Its friday, I'm tired and whatever.
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Postby poohcarrot » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:32 pm

pip wrote:Its friday, I'm tired and whatever.

....it's Crackerjack! :lol:

You might be too young and too Irish to get that! Tony and Jan will understand though. :lol:
"Disliking Carrot would be like kicking a puppy."
"You kicked a puppy," Lobsang said accusingly.
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Postby pip » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:36 pm

poohcarrot wrote:
pip wrote:Its friday, I'm tired and whatever.

....it's Crackerjack! :lol:

You might be too young and too Irish to get that! Tony and Jan will understand though. :lol:


My mother does talk about crackerjack but i think it ended about three years after i was born. Hard to believe but the BBC transmitted here way back when. :D
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Postby raisindot » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:41 pm

Given that in certain parts of yahoo America, they still ban books like "Huckleberry Finn" and "Catcher in the Rye" from public and school libraries, I can imagine the report from a typical citizens group if presented with all the DW books to be considered for inclusion.


1. Colour of Money/Light Fantastic/Interesting Times/Sourcery/Eric: All out. Full of occult magic, and claim that other gods besides Jesus Christ exists.

2. Wyrd Sisters/Witches Abroad/Lord and Ladies/Carpe Jugulum/Maskerade: All out, because they witches are treated as people who work for the good of humanity, instead of the devil-worshipping evil women they really are.

3. Pyramids: Out entirely for assumption that other gods than Jesus exist.

4. Small Gods: No explanation necessary.

5. Thief of Time: Totally out for assuming that anyone other than God and Jesus control time. Also, improper use of Four Horsemen, since they don't precede reappearance of Jesus.

6. Equal Rites: Out because it's more sorcery, plus use of magic staff with life of its own. Only Moses can use a magic staff, because his is powered by God.

7. Going Postal: Totally out because main character is a thief who doesn't repent of his sins through prayer to Jesus. And he makes offering to false gods.

8. Making Money: Totally out because main character prays to the false god Anoia to save him and is saved by this false goddess. Also implication that main character appears to be having improper relations with his fiance before marriage.

9. Monstrous Regiment: Totally out, due to the abomination of cross-dressing and prayer to false gods and prophets.

10. The whole Tiffany Aching series: Totally out as it advocates for seducing young girls into becoming witches.

11. Hogfather: Totally out because narrative assumes that it is people who create gods, rather than the other way around. Plus, Hogfather holiday demonstrates no religious reverence.

12. Mort: Totally out, as main character works in the service of Death.

13. Reaper Man: Totally out, as it has inter-species romantic relationships and shows agents of God (Death) shirking their responsibilities. Also creates unnatural character of Susan who is semi-devine without being granted this status by God.

14. Men at Arms: Totally out because of bestial relations between humans and undead creatures.

15. Feet of Clay: Totally out because of inanimate objects being given life and sentience by a being other than God. Plus, gender hiding.

16. The Fifth Elephant: Totally out due to portrayal of vampires as positive, helpful creatures rather than the demon spawn of Satan. Plus, it features a talking dog whose talent was granted by magic, rather than God.

17. Moving Pictures: Totally out due to dog that speaks because of his proximity to occult magic, rather than having been granted this power by God.

18. Thud! Totally out due to presence of unrepentant stripper who has an unnatural relationship with a man of interminate species. Plus it features athiestic thought in the form of dwarfs who deny that their God actively guides their lives.

19. The Truth: Out due to portrayal as a vampire as being reformed without clear statement that his conversion is possible because of a belief in Jesus. Plus, the villainous characters are offered reincarnation after death rather than being sent to Hell.

20. Night Watch: Out because the main character runs around naked at the end.

21. The Lost Hero: Out because characters attempt to use scientific exploration to understand the world, rather than accepting that the world is at is because God made it and that's that.

Leaving (I think) the only acceptable books:

21. Soul Music is acceptable if the Death character's name is changed to the Angel of Death. Acceptable because main character dies as a consequence of his actions in popularizing the use rock and roll music.

22. Guards! Guards! Although villainous character uses occult magic to create a dragon, he is defeated in battle. Main character, a slovenly drunk, is redeemed by his heroic actions.

Report concluded.

:D

J-I-B
Last edited by raisindot on Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:45 pm

raisindot wrote:8. Making Money: Totally out because main character prays to the false god Anoia to save him and is saved by this false goddess. Also implication that main character appears to be having improper relations with his fiance before marriage.

17. Making Money: Totally out due to dog that speaks because of his proximity to occult magic, rather than having been granted this power by God.



:lol:
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Postby Tonyblack » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:46 pm

poohcarrot wrote:
pip wrote:Its friday, I'm tired and whatever.

....it's Crackerjack! :lol:

You might be too young and too Irish to get that! Tony and Jan will understand though. :lol:
Double or Drop as parodied in Pyramids. Obviously Terry remembers Crackerjack too.
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Postby deldaisy » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:20 pm

Bouncy Castle wrote:They don't change books in the other direction, though.

I've read many a book set in America, and have yet to find out what a stoop is. :lol:

Its when you don't drink milk all your life Bouncy... and your bones get thin and then you get old and have to use a cane and you walk with a STOOP. And then you find it really really hard to use your cane in one hand and your shopping trolley in the other hand when you try to get up on the STOOP.
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Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:24 pm

Apparently, you can sit on it!!
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Postby deldaisy » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:32 pm

Bouncy Castle wrote:Apparently, you can sit on it!!

I know it doesn't make sense hun. These are the people who changed path to sidewalk (in case anyone confused the road as a path: "NO. You have to walk on the SIDE! The middle path is for the cars!") and elevator to lift ("Wot's that thing do then?" "It LIFTS you up to the next floor and indeed to floors about that too..") The same people who pee themselves laughing when I tell them I have a car with a boot ("Ohhhhhh.. Is it a Nike? ha ha ha") but see nothing wrong with thier cars having a trunk. And worse still.... dip their biscuits NOT in their tea but in gravy.
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Postby Bouncy Castle » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:58 pm

I've always wondered about biscuits and gravy!!

Ginger Nuts and Bisto, perhaps?
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Postby Who's Wee Dug » Fri Nov 12, 2010 5:06 pm

Bouncy how would you manage to sooke yir ginger nuts you a contortionist or just flexible. :oops: :lol:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Postby deldaisy » Fri Nov 12, 2010 5:09 pm

Bouncy Castle wrote:I've always wondered about biscuits and gravy!!

Ginger Nuts and Bisto, perhaps?

When I was working in mining years ago, we had some visiting Americans in the office. I usually went to lunch with my boss but was busy and asked him to grab a sandwich for me when he went and bring it back. One of the Americans said "Oh we will grab you a peanut butter and jelly." My boss smiled. :twisted: I thought he was smiling cause they may not have realised the isolated minesite we were on had a huge first class mess on site that served restaurant quality meals. When he got back he plopped a large container on my desk and ran out the door. Yep! He had made me a sandwich with peanut paste on it and a huge chunk of port wine JELLY with a slice of bread on top! B*&%$D!
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