Ask Casanunda - Trouble Thread

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Ask Casanunda - Trouble Thread

Postby Ponder Stibbons » Sun Oct 11, 2009 8:51 am

I thought we should have a forum column for people to ask about their troubles, and anyone else can answer it.
If you have any problems and don't know what to do, u can ask here

Edit: If you have any intellectual question you can go to "Ask Ridcully - Questions".
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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Sun Oct 11, 2009 11:55 am

You think we'll really need the Ridcully thread? :shock: :wink:

Hmmm... OK Casanunda - big messy problem. What do you do with a bloke you know is 'into' you but keeps blowing hot and cold? Mostly cold if I'm honest but he always comes back like nothing's happened. He was a kind of hero figure with me at first but there was a definite 'feet of clay' moment and I think this is where our 'problem' started in that he was pretending to be something he wasn't and got found out big-time :roll: The strong silent act just gets worse and worse and TBH I've given up on anything but the odd chat on IM every now and then, but then he'll call me and suddenly its Mother Confessor time. He opens up the impermeable armour a chink and lets me get in close and then I don't see him for dust for several weeks. Talk about high maintenance! :evil:
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Postby Dotsie » Mon Oct 12, 2009 1:28 pm

Well Jan, are you into him? My boyfriend before Mr Dotsie was very high maintenance indeed, & I swore never again! If you're not that bothered about him, just let it lie. Or spend the rest of life asking "what's the matter?" :roll:
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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Mon Oct 12, 2009 2:53 pm

Regrettably yes, I suppose I am into him. :oops: The 'feet of clay' thing which really knocked him for six was not so important for me as my hero-worship for him wasn't absolutely keyed into that aspect. He's infuriating but he's one of the few people I can't be indifferent to, although he's 'made' me take some hard immunisation sessions so I can't say I'm still completely besotted or even fixated on him anymore :oops:

'Just good friends' is sustainable with him I suppose (and he is a really great and very kind friend) but when he's able to soften up I know he's still dangerous in the 'whither thou goest, I will go' manner (thou being hm of course :roll: ). He's a bad habit I suppose, but I don't want to kick it (and I have tried very hard) because before I 'met' him I didn't give a damn about anything or anyone, including myself. That sounds really lame I know, but he did help me a lot when I was borderline existing and so the friendship is still precious to me, and just about worth the bad bits... :?
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Postby Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit » Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:23 pm

It is very hard to deal with a person whom you care for, yet treats you like a chamber pot when they need someplace to dump their crap.

My Father explained this to me when I was having so very many problems with my ex-husband. He pointed out... Firmly... that I needed to stop and think before calling him with every little thing. He said that my mother and brother did that to him for years. Dumping off all the load of EMO, so that they did not have to deal with it and then basically walking off whistling (figuratively) because they no longer had this big load of CRAP to deal with as they had "given" it to him to spin in his head.

It is soooooooooooo very hard to set limits with a person like that. My mother will call me up to 9 or 10 times in a day with issue after issue and try to get me to take up the slack in her life and I had to make a very rough decision. Now, when she calls, I envision a "space bubble" helmet between the telephone and me. I use that method to filter what she says and let the negativity bounce off. It takes a while to get used to doing that, but it can work eventually.

Worst case scenario is that you may have to excise this person from your life if he becomes poisonous to your "Self/ID" ID as in your inner you, what makes you be your Ideal self. I am still not strong enough inside to make this break with my mother. My counselor thinks I should. I pretty much agree, but, I am not sure I can deal with the guilt this will bring crashing down on my head. I realize that guilt IS self imposed, but she has her roots of evil driven very deep into my psyche.
Aha! So, Bob's yer uncle... very clever.
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Postby Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit » Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:26 pm

Jan Van Quirm wrote:You think we'll really need the Ridcully thread? :shock: :wink:


By all the gods I hope not. *shudders and puts her intellect aside for the moment*
Aha! So, Bob's yer uncle... very clever.
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Postby Ponder Stibbons » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:26 am

Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit wrote:
Jan Van Quirm wrote:You think we'll really need the Ridcully thread? :shock: :wink:


By all the gods I hope not. *shudders and puts her intellect aside for the moment*


On second thoughts, we don't want to give him new ideas. :lol:
Thought it might clear up some of the spare pages and act as a crossroads. Or possibley not. :twisted:

I kinda have the same problem, jan, cept i don't no idea if shes into me or my friend and dont want to mess it up with them. And i'm too wimpy to pluck up the courage to talk to her about it.
Speaking of which, is he the sort of person you can talk to? If you can, discuss it with him, but not when u're worked up over it or just after he's "dumped the crap on you".
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hmm

Postby CJDobs » Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:46 pm

Ah, I think its time for a few home truths about us men . . .

*Warning* the following reply contains:

Truths
Lies
Badly placed humour
Cheap Shots.

. . .So . . . Men . . The Truth . . . . We're all B*****ds.

I should know, I am one. A man I mean. . . . . . .and sometimes, a bit of a B*****d.

I used to think all women were Princessess and treated them as such. On reflection, a bit sad and pathetic really. You just end up looking like a spineless puppy and you get kicked a lot.

So, then I used to be all mean and moody because this seemed to work quite well. As Arnold J Rimmer once said 'Everyone loves B*****d'.

Then, I settled down and got married, had several small wee things that look to you for love and guidance and felt bad about all the times in life I'd been a . . Rimmer.

Um . . . Truth of the matter is, Men are simple - just understand what bodily part we're are thinking with at the time and then you can understand our motives. Its a hard lesson to learn but I guarantee its true. Even the smart ones do it - although they pretend to be on a different intellectual level when doing it.

Any bloke who scoffs at my honest assessment is probably lying to himself or desperate for female company :lol:

Dunno if that helps at all, never been much of an Agony Aunt . . Never been much of a fella come to think of it. . . . .

:wink:
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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Wed Oct 14, 2009 5:58 pm

Ponder Stibbons wrote:
Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit wrote:
Jan Van Quirm wrote:You think we'll really need the Ridcully thread? :shock: :wink:

By all the gods I hope not. *shudders and puts her intellect aside for the moment*

On second thoughts, we don't want to give him new ideas. :lol:

Thought it might clear up some of the spare pages and act as a crossroads. Or possibley not. :twisted:

I kinda have the same problem, jan, cept i don't no idea if shes into me or my friend and dont want to mess it up with them. And i'm too wimpy to pluck up the courage to talk to her about it.
Speaking of which, is he the sort of person you can talk to? If you can, discuss it with him, but not when u're worked up over it or just after he's "dumped the crap on you".

Hmm - with Ridcully I was more worrying that we're all too weird to ask 'sensible' intelligent questions - but then the Archchancellor being a bluff, straight as an arrow type guy (and if he can't deal with it then gets the crossbow and damned well shoots it) then in could get very interesting! :lol:

As for people we're into but dump on us majorly - wanna swop? :lol: Not serious natch.

And yes I can talk to him - in the beginning very closely and consolingly (him to me at first), but with his 'disgrace' it got more difficult for him to be as open to me so now it's all 'safer' non-emotional stuff and not as personal/intimate (but not intimate intimate - not like that beyond flirting :oops: ). He actually prefers it when I'm doing the dumping but with him it's bloody iron man most of the time and he just pushes me back or simply says he has a 'meeting' or 'going for a run now Jan - take care' :evil:

I guess it's a little like CJ's saying and wires get crossed and then fused. Sometimes I think he's like an stray cat who likes the idea of being a house cat but when it comes to moving in it gets cold feet until the next time it gets hungry... And he's a lovely unfixed tomcat and uninvolved so potentially no risk on either side really.
Anyway - I can do 'just good friends' so long as we're not fighting (and that's definitely not happening so much these days -nothing like that for over a year now) so that's the way it has to be unless he decides he wants more - I can't make it any plainer that's what I'd like, but I also can't keep hoping he'll come round to it. So impasse but keep the contact as we do both want that is the way to go - such a waste though :roll: :lol:
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Postby Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit » Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:11 am

Jan and CJ, People suck. Sometimes they suck a lot and sometimes they suck a little, BUT we always suck. We Always would prefer to be listened to, because, after all we are soooooo darned fascinating. It is very hard to be a good listener, because as PTerry points out in Pyramids, we tend to be thinking about the next brilliant thing WE are going to say and how Wonderfully the other person will react.

I would not hold out hope for a relationship with a person who is more or less treating you like luggage. Not THE Luggage, now That would be Wonderful LOL out and out Total Respect and Fear... heheheh, just your garden variety samsonite. Relationships are sooooo rough. And Good Friends are really, really hard to find and keep.

I am glad to be going back to my counselor... I seem to have tapped into my vein of RAGE and need to bleed it off a ... lot. With my health issues, my marriage has been very platonic, and while that is good, when pain is a problem, it is not healthy for a marriage. Now that my back therapy is in progress, I told him that I AM planning to change it up. He, happily on my part, agrees. So, he and I will be working on this together, :twisted: he has even agreed to go to a few sessions with me. I have him either trained or in fear of me. We need to make sure which is which LOL.
Aha! So, Bob's yer uncle... very clever.
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Postby poohcarrot » Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:50 am

Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit wrote:Jan and CJ, People suck. Sometimes they suck a lot and sometimes they suck a little, BUT we always suck. We Always would prefer to be listened to, because, after all we are soooooo darned fascinating.


1. Most people don't suck. (negative vibes Tina!)

2. I am sooooo darned fascinating that I actually enjoy listening to, or asking about people's lives more than discussing my own.

I can have a conversation with someone I meet for the first time, and by the end know virtually everything of importance in that person's life, while they know virtually zero about my life. Asking people personal questions is much more fun than talking about yourself.
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Postby CJDobs » Thu Oct 15, 2009 10:07 am

poohcarrot wrote:
Tina a.k.a.SusanSto.Helit wrote:Jan and CJ,

1. Most people don't suck. (negative vibes Tina!)

2. I am sooooo darned fascinating that I actually enjoy listening to, or asking about people's lives more than discussing my own.

I can have a conversation with someone I meet for the first time, and by the end know virtually everything of importance in that person's life, while they know virtually zero about my life. Asking people personal questions is much more fun than talking about yourself.


Hi Poohcarrot,

I like your final statement and very enlightened of you to think that way, In general though, I do agree with Tina because most people aren't like that.

Ever sat in a meeting at work when a debate gets heated? Notice how many people are actually listening to the other? You can see behind their eyes that they are only thinking of their next killier statement.

Pub arguments with your mates are exactly the same - only on rare occasions does someone come up with a pearler that actually stops people babbling on and they respond with 'Gee, Never thought of it that way'.

Still, doesnt do to generalise and we are all different. Its a rare (and pleasant!) person to be around who actually lets you talk and actively listens - it also shuts me up because I then become conscious of just how much talking I'm doing - bit of reverse psychology going on there :lol:
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Postby CrysaniaMajere » Thu Oct 15, 2009 10:48 am

I'd say that for everyone of us there's a moltitude of people that make us think 'they all suck', I mean there are a lot of people that suck in my opinion, but not me. For all those persons, i'll be in the "people that suck" list. That's natural.
That's the reason why we search for things like forums that can reunite people with whom we have something to talk about..

Is my English making any sense to you?I hope so, but feel free to tell me everytime i make mistakes. I'm not used to write in English.
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Postby poohcarrot » Thu Oct 15, 2009 11:46 am

CrysaniaMajere wrote:Is my English making any sense to you?I hope so, but feel free to tell me everytime i make mistakes. I'm not used to write in English.


I'll get moaned it for this, but she did ask!

Your English is absolutely wonderful! :P

You have no need to apologise, ever. Most people on this forum can only speak one language, English, and even then we all makes mistakes. You can speak a second language almost perfectly. Having confidence in your own ability is the most important thing. So believe in yourself and stop apologising!

(BTW "used to do" refers to a past state that is no longer true, eg; I used to live in London (but don't now).

"used to doing" refers to being accustomed to something. When I moved to Italy I wasn't used to driving on the right, but I soon got used to driving on the right, and now I'm used to driving on the right.)

sits back to wait for moans!
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Postby Jan Van Quirm » Thu Oct 15, 2009 1:55 pm

Not from me smartypants - I just said more or less the same thing to Crysania over in the ToT discussion thread :wink:

Having said that I'm glad of things like chapters - it's getting v. worrying mostly agreeing with you atm :shock:

As for listening - Iron Man and I are more or less neck and neck on that score and why I know he's 'into' me :roll: All things considered I'm one of the few people he will 'open up' with (however little that actually is) and part of that's because the friendship's all online. It's down to both of us that things feels so constricted, so there's also give and take between us (aka respect) as to how 'deep' we now get. He can't take too much of it when it comes to the personal stuff and I know and understand why he just can't do it, but it's still hard to hear the pain and not be able to respond and comfort, especially where he's so good at doing this for me when I'm at rock bottom.

In a way I've got the unsh*tty end of the stick so I shouldn't complain - but it doesn't feel equal or balanced that I can't return the favour occasionally. :?
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