Horoscope for CATS
Reading fortunes in the litter box
Your situation is beyond hope. Better luck in the next of your remaining lives.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The best way to bond with humans is to go into the bathroom when they are doing their business and stare at them. They'll be glad you did.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Resistance is futile. No amount of hissing and scratching will save you from the unpleasant trips to the vet. Save your effort and seek revenge “outside the litter box”.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
What goes up must come down. Learn to aim your bodily discharges down or sideways
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
If you meet a fat, lazy cat that speaks in thought bubbles, get your furry ass out of there!
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Keep working on perfecting that evil eye. What you have now makes you look rather dopey.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23)
Reading your fortunes in the litter box tells me one thing – tapeworms!
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
You need to be more assertive. Don't settle for dry kibbles and discarded leftovers. Scratch the hand that feeds you if you must.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Reading your fortunes in the litter box, I see droppings scattered inharmoniously. Do not make important decisions involving fitting into small spaces, hairy humans, or meerkats.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You will need to rely more on your territorial instincts this year. Mark your space. Spray away and let the others know you're in da house.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Keep away from apple trees. Don't let the apple do to you what it did to poor Newton's cat, may he rest in peace.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
You'll need to be more social this year, so make new friends. Why should you endure your insufferable company all by yourself?
Have an assassin put a placebo in her drink, just as a warning