Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Mar 23, 2014 4:32 pm

:lol: :lol: :mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Mar 30, 2014 8:52 pm

Image
Image
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Sun Mar 30, 2014 9:04 pm

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Mar 30, 2014 9:21 pm

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and


towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow


b) Thrush,


c) Magpie,


d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."


Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.


"Bloody hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because it lives in a bloody clock Mick !!"

:mrgreen:
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby mirandashell » Sun Mar 30, 2014 9:35 pm

My favourite joke:

What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same
I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum. Cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum?
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Re: Jokes

Postby Who's Wee Dug » Sun Mar 30, 2014 10:01 pm

The Blonde Man has arrived
....A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts:
"Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...
it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he
has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies:
"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close
your curtains the next time you & your wife are having
sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you
because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
He willnae tak' a drink! I think he's deid! , on the other hand though A Midgie in yir hand is worth twa up yir kilt.
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Re: Jokes

Postby pip » Mon Mar 31, 2014 7:51 am

Who's Wee Dug wrote:The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and


towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow


b) Thrush,


c) Magpie,


d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."


Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.


"Bloody hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because it lives in a bloody clock Mick !!"

:mrgreen:

To ruin Dugs highly offensive joke ;-) why would they be playing for euros if Chris Tarrent was the host. :roll: :roll:
'There is no future for e-books, because they are not books. E-books smell like burned fuel.'
Ray Bradbury (RIP)
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Re: Jokes

Postby Bouncy Castle » Mon Mar 31, 2014 8:19 am

:lol:
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

The rest of us are a bit crap.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Penfold » Mon Mar 31, 2014 8:23 am

:lol: :lol:
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
30
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelanCello » Mon Mar 31, 2014 8:04 pm

mirandashell wrote:My favourite joke:

What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same

Oooo, love jokes like that :lol:

Also, Miranda, this is probably a silly question, but is your username miranda-shell or miranda's-hell? or mir-and-a-shell? Just checking.
Listen.
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Re: Jokes

Postby mirandashell » Mon Mar 31, 2014 8:30 pm

It's Miranda Shell.

I have a brass figurine of the Shakespearan character sat on a rock with a conch shell at her feet.

And don't worry, you're not the first to ask! :D
I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum. Cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum?
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ghost » Tue Apr 01, 2014 5:35 am

eh?
Ooh you cheeky little sea winkle
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Re: Jokes

Postby michelanCello » Tue Apr 01, 2014 9:00 am

mirandashell wrote:It's Miranda Shell.

I have a brass figurine of the Shakespearan character sat on a rock with a conch shell at her feet.

And don't worry, you're not the first to ask! :D

OK, thanks :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby The Mad Collector » Thu Apr 03, 2014 6:47 pm

A man walks into a barber’s shop and asks how many people are waiting to be served. ‘I’ve got three cuts and a shave booked this morning,’ replies the barber. The man leaves but comes back the next day, ‘How many are waiting today?’ he asks. ‘I’ve got two cuts, a dye-job and a shave,’ replies the barber. Next day the man is back with the same question, and the barber tells him, ‘Four cuts and a wash.’ This goes on for weeks until the barber gets suspicious – perhaps the man is a rival planning on opening his own barber shop in the area. Perhaps he wants to find out how much business he can expect. To solve the mystery he gets his assistant to follow the man the next time he drops by. Next day the man comes in, asks his usual question and leaves, this time trailed by the assistant. When the assistant gets back, the barber says, ‘Well? Who is he? Where did he go?’ The assistant replies, ‘I don’t know who he is, but he seems to be a friend of your wife. He just went round to your house.’
One of those? Oh I'm sure I have one somewhere..

http://www.bearsonthesquare.com
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Re: Jokes

Postby meerkat » Mon Apr 14, 2014 12:34 pm

MEDICAL STUDY ABOUT LONGEVITY

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. :D
Just a meerkat from The Effing Forest
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